Third Base Line

Signings, Both Real and Imaginary

2010-02-05T09:56:00.001-06:00

When the Twins signed Jim Thome--who, believe it or not, has passed his physical--TBL was cautiously optimistic. He hasn't been at his best the past couple of seasons, but he's still Jim "Holy Crap, Lookit That Go" Thome. And, best of all, he won't be hitting against our pitchers anymore. (The evidence suggests that Thome will still be able to go yard off Twins pitching from his wheelchair in 2050.) The official line out of the organization at the moment is that Kubel is our DH, and Thome will be our big bat off the bench.

Then, oh joy! oh rapture!, word came down from on high (okay, from WCCO) that Joe Mauer had signed a 10-year contract extension! TBL's ecstasy lasted about 4 hours, when news that there was no contract extension after all penetrated the haze of confetti and champagne here at Casa Liberales. Sigh. Pout.

But now, today, another real signing! Color TBL stunned, because the Twins have gone out and gotten themselves a real, live, honest to goodness second baseman. Yes, dear readers, you read that correctly. And not just any ol' second baseman who knows what that stick thing is for and has some concept of "fielding", but Orlando Hudson. Four Gold Gloves. Two-time All-Star. Career .282/.348/.778 hitter. A mere 32 years old.

Who are these people, and what have they done with the Twins front office?

With the acquisition of shorstop JJ Hardy from Milwaukee, the infield is nearly complete. Unless Gardy's unnatural love of futility infielders leads him to make a tragic staffing decision at third base, we Twins fans may actually be treated to a Twins lineup without the black hole that is Nick Punto's bat on a daily basis. Can you picture it, dear readers? TBL can.

Who are the contenders at third? Most obvious are Punto, Matt Tolbert and Brendan Harris, but TBL hears there are some youngsters just itching to get to the bigs, so spring training may offer some surprises. Players are already trickling into Fort Myers, and soon there will be baseball again!

Fair and Balanced

2009-11-21T16:11:00.004-06:00

a mistake-rib scarf knit on the bias

I love the look of a bias-knit scarf, especially in self-striping yarn, but garter stitch is just so darn boring. So I set about converting my favorite reversible stitch into a bias-knit pattern. Several hilarious test swatches later, I think I got it right...

I used James C Brett Marble Chunky on size 10 needles, but the pattern is gaugeless.

Sl - slip stitch purlwise
KFB - Knit through front, then back, of stitch. This creates a new stitch.

Cast on a multiple of 4 stitches plus 2.

Row 1: Sl1, KFB, [P2, K2] to last 4 stitches, P1, P2tog, K1
Row 2: Sl1, [K1, P1] to last stitch, K1
Row 3: Sl1, KFB, K1, [P2, K2] to last 3 stitches, P2tog, P1
Row 4: Sl1, [P1, K1] to last stitch, P1
Row 5: Sl1, KFB, [K2, P2] to last 4 stitches, K1, SSK, P1
Row 6: as Row 2
Row 7: Sl1, KFB, P1, [K2, P2] to last 3 stitches, SSK, K1
Row 8: as Row 4

Repeat until piece is desired length, bind off loosely, stay warm.

Who'd'a Thunk It?

2009-04-21T14:30:00.001-05:00

After the abyss o' despair that was the Toronto series, the sucking continued unabated through the seventh-inning stretch on Friday when---WHAM! BANG! BOOM! A week's worth of unused hitting (smuggled onto the field by one Jason Kubel) descended upon the unsuspecting Angels, hitherto possesors of a 9-4 lead.

Kubel went 4-for-5 and hit for the cycle, including a lead-grabbing grand slam, and then trotted out Saturday night to give his teammates another hitting clinic and lead them through a romp of a win, 9-2. Sunday, Kubel was too tired to do much at the plate, but ace-thus-far Glen Perkins took charge, buffed his 1.50 ERA on the Angels' lineup and handed the ball to Joe Nathan after 8 brilliant innings for the 3-1 win and the sweep.

Wow. Hitting AND pitching. In one series. Remarkable. TBL is still pinching herself.

Yesterday the Twins enjoyed their first day off of the season--the last team in the majors to get one--and we can only hope it wasn't a momentum-killer as they take on the Red Sox in Fenway for a 2-game visit.

Tonight, Scott Baker tries to put his last (and only) outing and its four home runs behind him to face the slugging Sox, while Twins hitters have the unenviable task of swinging for Tim Wakefield's evil knuckleballs. Wednesday, Francisco Liriano will continue his search for a hot streak against Brad Penny, who hasn't exactly had the season of his life so far, either.

Fever Dreams

2009-04-17T11:30:00.002-05:00

Twins vs Blue Jays series totals (4 games):

Team	Runs	Hits (HRs)	ERA	Suck Factor
Jays	31	56 (9)	2.87	-3
Twins	13	36 (2)	7.11	+12

TBL had a dream last night. This is not an analogy or storytelling device, but a true and accurate description of the effusions of TBL's subconscious after she trudged home from the horror that was last night and attempted to escape into sleep.

In her dream, TBL was at the Dome, and the Twins were not playing very well. The identity of their opponent was not clear. She left the game early, for reasons similarly unknown, and ventured with her friend Jessica to a cabin in the woods in search of popcorn. (No, she does not understand that part of the dream any more than you do.) The next morning, she turned on the news and was horrified to learn that the Twins had suffered baseball's first 3-digit defeat. The score was 126 to 11. That is when TBL woke up, disturbed the cat, noticed that her alarm would be going off in less than a quarter hour, and decided to use those minutes to huddle under the blanket and swear.

As much as TBL would like to blame the absence of Baby Jesus and believe that his supposedly-impending return will restore the Twins to glory, let us be realistic, dear readers. If only for one moment.

Yea, though Mauer's bat is mighty, it cannot keep the other 8 fellows from striking out all the freakin' time. And though he is a game-caller without peer, he can only call the pitches, not make the pitcher deliver them both in the strike zone and in such a location as to maybe, possibly, get someone out.

Mauer's triumphant return, in other words, stands to make the Twins approximately 1/10th better. Ponder that for a moment, would you? Ah, yes. Now you see it.

1/10th will do precisely bupkiss against this level of suck. Which is why TBL proposes that the gentlemen on the active roster at once embark on this simple three-step plan:

1. Cease awaiting their fearless hero's return. He will be here when he gets here.
2. Pull their craniums back into the light of day.
3. Play baseball at a level resembling the professional.

And please, please stay out of TBL's dreams for a while.

In the Beginning

2009-04-06T22:48:00.004-05:00

At last, dear readers, baseball has returned. TBL has little to report: the Dome was crowded, the "food" remains unchanged, the score was not all one hoped it would be. It appears our boys left all the good bats in Florida. Overnight courier, anyone?

(By the bye, does anyone know why there were no Gameday programs?)

On the bright side, the Twins are tied for first in the division (with Cleveland and Detroit, who also lost, half a game ahead of Kansas City and Chicago, whose game was postponed). And Joe Crede's back appears to have survived the night.

Postscript for the psychotic Justin Morneau fan a few rows back: He can't hear you. Give it a rest, already.

Anticipation

2009-02-25T17:54:00.004-06:00

To be honest, TBL just hasn't been feeling the excitement. Sure, pitchers and catchers reported last week. But that passed in a blur of being food poisoned. And sure, spring training games start this week, but it has been passing in a blur of doing all the things one neglects while puking one's guts up, like going to work. Still, TBL might have worked up some vague feeling of anticipation if the offseason hadn't passed in a blur of...nothing.

Honestly, what does the team pay their scouts and office-type folks for? Their biggest pre-Spring-Training move was signing R.A. Dickey. No, TBL had never heard of him before, either, and a gander at his stats does not inspire glee. The best year of his career was 2003, when he posted a 5.09 ERA. Be still TBL's beating heart.

Sometimes TBL thinks they do it just to taunt her.

And now, they've gone and signed Joe "Single-Handedly Keeping the Chiropractic Profession Afloat Through the Recession" Crede. Sure, if he can stay healthy, it could be brilliant, fantastic, wonderful. But given the Twins' longstanding history of luck and health, it is far more probable that we have just paid Mr. Crede $2.5 million for the pleasure of watching him sustain some horrible, season-ending injury in the third inning of the home opener. We could have paid Corey Koskie half that to keep Brian Buscher's spot on the field warm for a few days before leaving in an ambulance, and TBL would have had the additional pleasure of dusting off her old jersey, too.

While TBL was checking the news wire for the exact amount the team's insurance will have to pony up to cover that salary, up came the news that Boof's shoulder is in much worse shape than they thought and he will be joining Pat Neshek on the "See Ya in the New Ballpark" list. Yes, sirree, luck and health. That's Minnesota for you. (Though whether or not that was actually unlucky is debatable, in light of Bonser's last year or two...)

However, on the way home from ~~the salt mines~~ work, TBL chanced to see, through the window of a downtown bar, a few seconds of someone's spring training game on TV. And something stirred deep within her disgruntled breast. Not hope--that would be asking entirely too much right now--but yearning. For the crack of the bat and the roar of the crowd, for the recording of Bob Casey's voice before the game and the blur of Gomez rounding second in the late innings. For scoresheets and stale popcorn and the betting pool on how many games until Gardy's first ejection.

Opening Day will come whether the Twins are ready or not (TBL thinks "not"), and there will be baseball. Baseball, Mom, apple pie and kvetching. It really doesn't get much better than that!

Autumnal Knitting: Lotus Hat

2008-10-26T15:41:00.007-05:00

This is an autumn hat I made based on the Crosshatch Lace stitch. I call it "Lotus Hat" because the decrease at the crown forms a lotus-like pattern, while the lace on the body looks rather like stems and leaves. I made it beanie-style, designed to only cover the tips of the ears, but have included instructions for lengthening it.

TBL's Lotus Hat

Original pattern

Gauge:
5 st/in in stockinette

I used:
Pakucho color-grown organic cotton, worsted weight
Size 6 needles

CO 96 st. Join into a round, being careful not to twist.

Work in K1, P1 ribbing for 6 rounds.

Work Chart A (Crosshatch Lace) around 3 times, ending on row 8--24 rounds total. (For a longer, earlobe-covering hat, work one extra time--32 rounds total.)

Work Chart B once. Break yarn and thread through live stitches. Pull tight, secure, and weave in ends.

Gaugeless pattern (extrapolated from the original and NOT TESTED):

CO a multiple of 12 stitches. Join into a round, being careful not to twist.

Work in K1, P1 ribbing for 6 rounds or until desired band height is achieved.

Work Chart A (Crosshatch Lace) until hat is approximately 2 pattern repeats shy of total desired length (as measured from crown to edge), ending on row 8

Work Chart B once. If there are more than 16 stitches left on the needles, work row 20 again. Break yarn and thread through live stitches. Pull tight, secure, and weave in ends.

Apologies for the blurry charts--Blogger doesn't like the very tall image size. Click here to see the original image.

Today's Reason

2008-10-09T08:38:00.001-05:00

...to duck behind the couch, curl up into a ball, and whimper.

National Debt Clock Runs Out of Digits

NEW YORK - In a sign of the times, the National Debt Clock in New York City has run out of digits to record the growing figure.

As a short-term fix, the digital dollar sign on the billboard-style clock near Times Square has been switched to a figure — the "1" in $10 trillion. It's marking the federal government's current debt at about $10.2 trillion.

The Durst Organization says it plans to update the sign next year by adding two digits. That will make it capable of tracking debt up to a quadrillion dollars.

The late Manhattan real estate developer Seymour Durst put the sign up in 1989 to call attention to what was then a $2.7 trillion debt.

TBL's yarn stash is starting to look like a better investment than her 401(k), because we may just revert to an agrarian society by the time she's 65.

Qwitcherbitchin'

2008-09-29T08:44:00.002-05:00

There may be a Blackberry in TBL's future, as this summer she has found the vast majority of her "free time" on the bus. But she has valiantly carved some few moments out today because she simply could not resist remarking on this comment by Whine Sox pitcher Mark "World's Smallest Violin" Buehrle on the necessity of making up a previously rained out game with the Tigers:

"You play 161 games and today is supposed to be the last day of the year," Buehrle said. "Everybody is going home, a lot of people are going to the playoffs and here we got to play another game that matters for us and not for the other team."

See, Markie, the point is that you only played 161 games. The Twins played 162, and so must you. There are many words to describe this phenomenon, like "justice" and "fairness" and "schadenfreude". Perhaps you can meditate upon them as you ride the bench today.

Meanwhile, dearest readers, let us all cast our minds back to the Sucking Years and use the empathy we acquired then to whole-heartedly embrace those stalwart Detroit Tigers as they strive to end the season tied for last place, rather than in sole possession of it.

Did Anyone Get the Plate Number?

2008-07-09T16:02:00.001-05:00

Twins @ Boston
Twins 0, Boston 1
Twins 5, Boston 6
Twins 5, Boston 18

Baseball's a funny ol' game. You're cruising along, winning seven series in a row, sweeping four of them, and all of a sudden, BAM! Run over by a big red truck. But as long as that doesn't turn you into cat food, it's all okay. Really.

___________________________________________________

Next up, Twins @ Tigers for four games.

12:05 Thursday, 6:05 Friday, 2:55 Saturday, 12:05 Sunday

When Hitting Isn't Desirable

2008-06-30T10:22:00.002-05:00

Ugh. Yet another incident in which a player physically abuses a team employee. After the Astros' Shawn Chacon hit his GM in an argument over his removal (demotion) to the bullpen, we have Manny Ramirez shoving the BoSox traveling secretary to the ground when the man told him he might not be able to secure Manny 16 tickets for that day's game. (Aside: way to plan ahead, Manny...)

C'mon, guys. You're giving the game a bad name. This isn't football, y'know.

Ramirez won't be released like Chacon was, because he's performing on the field. Indeed, manager Terry Francona stated that Manny has apologized and that the incident has been resolved. Keep in mind that Ramirez took a swing at teammate Kevin Youkillis in the dugout just a couple of weeks ago, and wasn't punished for THAT, either. I guess hitting .289 with 16 homers and 52 RBI constitutes a Get Out of Trouble Free card with unlimited refills.

Ridiculous.

Here's a Wacky Idea

2008-06-29T17:09:00.004-05:00

Let's play interleague all the time!

Twins vs. AL: 31-33 (.484)
Twins vs. NL: 14-4 (.778)

Zounds. More interleague excitement:

Twins pitching vs. AL: 4.73 ERA, 1.47 WHIP, 2.57 BB/9, 5.52 K/9, 2.15 K/BB
Twins pitching vs. NL: 2.44 ERA, 1.08 WHIP, 1.89 BB/9, 6.61 K/9, 3.50 K/BB

Twins hitting vs. AL: .270 BA, .324 OBP, .389 SLG, .713 OPS, 4.63 R/Gm, 0.64 HR/Gm
Twins hitting vs. NL: .281 BA, .340 OBP, .433 SLG, .772 OPS, 5.44 R/Gm, 0.83 HR/Gm

So...did the Twins just happen to get hot as interleague play was starting, or will they return to the wildly inconsistent stylings of April and May as we resume AL-only play?

Time will tell. First up, the Tiggers.

Perkins v Gallaraga on Monday; that should be interesting. Gallaraga's got good overall numbers on the season, but hasn't fared well against the Twins and got knocked around in his last start. Perkins has been inconsistent, but did well against the Tigers the last time he faced him and is coming off of a game he won mostly out of sheer pigheaded stubbornness.

YAWN

2008-06-27T15:19:00.002-05:00

People Who Really Piss TBL Off, list entry #34:

People who think it's funny to set off &%*#! firecrackers on a residential street at midnight on a weeknight.

And again at 1:40 a.m.

Also at 3:15.

And finally at 4:30.

There are times, darling readers, when TBL finds it very difficult to remember that she is a pacifist. A solid majority of those occur between bedtime and dawn. (Most of the rest involve the Yankees or the Whine Sox.)

George Carlin, R.I.P.

2008-06-23T11:19:00.004-05:00

George Carlin, 1937-2008

This was a guy who turned brutal honesty into an art form. He said what he thought, like it or not. Nothing was taboo because he didn't believe in taboos. He believed in putting it out there, and if it shocked people, then he figured they needed some shocking. When we stuck our heads in the sand and said, "If I don't like it, it's not happening", he took the opportunity to sneak up and shoot us in the butt with a SuperSoaker full of ice water.
_____________________________________________________________

"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done'."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"

"When you're born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat."

Carlin on the 1991 Persian Gulf War

That's It Exactly

2008-06-17T13:41:00.002-05:00

TBL has been looking for a good analogy for the season to date, and today she found one. (No points for guessing why this particular analogy came to her...)

Watching the Twins so far has been like leaving the office for the lunch hour on a nice sunny day and taking a long, invigorating walk through a picturesque area, in shoes that haven't properly broken in yet.

The comments are open. Post your analogy!

Is There a Doctor in the Stadium?

2008-06-10T11:45:00.002-05:00

Darling readers, does it seem to you as though the Twins have been unusually injury-prone this season? Because that is how it has seemed to TBL. So many trips to the DL! Not to mention those unofficial "out for a few days" situations that reduce bench options and frustrate the heck out of everyone.

So TBL decided to poke through the archives and see if this really is shaping up to be an injury-prone season. She compiled the official injury list (trips to the DL) from April 1 through June 9th. Weeding out 15-day designations that turned into 60-day--turned by June 9th, that is--this is what she found:

2001
15-day - position players: 3
15-day - pitchers: 2
60-day - position players: 1
60-day - pitchers: 0
total injuries: 6

2002
15-day - position players: 4
15-day - pitchers: 3
60-day - position players: 0
60-day - pitchers: 1
total injuries: 8

2003
15-day - position players: 1
15-day - pitchers: 2
60-day - position players: 0
60-day - pitchers: 1
total injuries: 4

2004 (first season on Field Turf)
15-day - position players: 7
15-day - pitchers: 1
60-day - position players: 0
60-day - pitchers: 0
total injuries: 8

2005
15-day - position players: 3
15-day - pitchers: 1
60-day - position players: 0
60-day - pitchers: 0
total injuries: 4

2006
15-day - position players: 2
15-day - pitchers: 1
60-day - position players: 0
60-day - pitchers: 0
total injuries: 3

2007
15-day - position players: 4
15-day - pitchers: 2
60-day - position players: 0
60-day - pitchers: 1
total injuries: 7

2008
15-day - position players: 6
15-day - pitchers: 2
60-day - position players: 0
60-day - pitchers: 1
total injuries: 9

Well. It's certainly high, but not vastly so. One injury more than our worst starts previously, and TBL is mindful that those seasons (2002 and 2004) ended up being pretty darn special.

Of course, what really matters is WHO goes on the DL, right? Certainly the weeks-long loss of Michael Cuddyer hurt the Twins in April, the projected 2-month loss of Matt Tolbert hurts now, and the projected season-long loss of Pat Neshek is a constant, throbbing pain in the side of a shaky pitching staff.

TBL provides the following roll-call of this season's injured versus previous seasons' and leaves you to draw your own comparisons and conclusions. Of course, she would just love to hear what those are...

2001
OF Torii Hunter, 15
LHP Mark Redman, 15
2B Jason Maxwell, 15
LHP Eddie Guardado, 15
OF Chad Allen, 15
1B/DH David Ortiz, 60

2002
2B Luis Rivas, 15
OF Brian Buchanan, 15
1B/DH David Ortiz, 15
3B Corey Koskie, 15
RHP Brad Radke, 15
RHP Brad Radke, 15
RHP Jack Cressend, 15
RHP Joe Mays, 60

2003
RHP Mike Fetters, 15
IF Denny Hocking, 15
RHP Rick Reed, 15
RHP Mike Fetters, 60

2004
RHP Grant Balfour, 15
C Joe Mauer, 15
C Matthew LeCroy, 15
OF Torii Hunter, 15
IF Nick Punto, 15
3B Corey Koskie, 15
OF Shannon Stewart, 15
2B Luis Rivas, 15

2005
RHP Carlos Silva, 15
1B Justin Morneau, 15
2B Luis Rivas, 15
INF Nick Punto, 15

2006
DH Ruben Sierra, 15
OF Shannon Stewart, 15
RHP Matt Guerrier, 15

2007
INF Jeff Cirillo, 15
OF Rondell White, 15
C Joe Mauer, 15
OF Josh Rabe, 15
LHP Glen Perkins, 15
LHP Dennys Reyes, 15
RHP Jesse Crain, 60

2008
OF Michael Cuddyer, 15
RHP Kevin Slowey, 15
SS Adam Everett, 15
RHP Scott Baker, 15
INF Nick Punto, 15
INF Matt Tolbert, 15
INF Adam Everett, 15
INF Nick Punto, 15
LHP Pat Neshek, 60

Arrr, That Be Hurtful

2008-06-05T13:27:00.002-05:00

From a story on CBS Sports comes what may well be the insult of the year in baseball:

"...the Pirates logo should have patches over both eyes."

(Unsure whether to giggle or wince, TBL managed both simultaneously.)

Well, That Was Interesting...

2008-06-05T09:05:00.003-05:00

Things You Don't See Every Day
(But Did Last Night):

- a two-run sac fly
- a triple by Jason "Fast Like Taffy" Kubel
- a drunk guy running onto the field during a game of no particular importance or notoriety
- an upper-deck Mauer homer
- a fan catching an opponent home run and NOT throwing it back (good for him!)

__________________________________

Busy, busy, busy. Gads, dear readers, but TBL has been busy. She hardly knows where May went. Perhaps she left it on the bus one morning as she made her woozy, sleep-deprived way to the office. If anyone out there finds TBL's May, she will give you her July 4th tickets as a reward for its return.

Avast! Thar Be Critters!

2008-05-18T09:02:00.004-05:00

So, TBL has gone a wee bit wacko with the Critter knitting. Here we see Captain Jack Critter, terror of the end table. To make Cap'n Jack a reality, TBL had to figure out how to knit him a tricorn. Uncharacteristically, she wrote it down as she went! So...the pattern.

Critter Tricorn
(probably suitable for any toy with a roundish head)

When making this for a Critter, use the same weight of yarn and needle size as you used for the Critter. When making it for other toys, calculate gauge and act accordingly. TBL used Wool Ease Worsted on size 6 (4.00 mm) needles.

abbreviations: M1p - make one purlwise (check here for a simple tutorial)

CO 6 st, join in round.

1. KFB around -- 12 st
2. (KFB, K1) around -- 18 st
3. (KFB, K2) around -- 24 st
4. K around
5. (KFB, K3) around -- 30 st
6. K around
7. (KFB, K4) around -- 36 st
8. K around
9. (KFB, K5) around -- 42 st
10. K around
12-16: (K1, P1) around
17: K around
18: (P1, M1p, P7) around --54 st
19: (P1, M1p, P8) around --60 st
20: P around
21: (P1, M1p, P7) around --66 st
22: (P1, M1p, P8) around --72 st
23: P around
24: (P1, M1p, P7) around --78 st
25: (P1, M1p, P8) around --84 st
26: P around
27: (P1, M1p, P7) around --90 st
28: (P1, M1p, P8) around --96 st
29: P around
30: K around
31: P around
32: K around

Bind off purlwise. Weave in ends. Using short lengths of same yarn or matching thread, tack brim to crown at three equidistant points. Place on Critter. Terrify nearby Critters.

Sunday Catblogging

2008-05-11T16:13:00.003-05:00

Aaahhh....sunbeam.

Hiatus

2008-04-30T17:09:00.003-05:00

Good day, darling readers. TBL apologizes for her inattentiveness, entirely due to her being in the middle of not one but TWO Secret Projects, neither of which (alas) is blog-related. Initially TBL had planned to maintain the blog whilst Secret Project-ing, but you can all see how that worked out. TBL now plans to be back to more regular blogging in 2-3 weeks.

Perhaps, by then, our darling Twins will have done something fabulous for her to chortle over.

An Open Letter to Nick Blackburn

2008-04-03T10:24:00.004-05:00

Dear Nick,

My, that was a lovely start. Seven innings, five hits, one walk, one wild pitch, one run. TBL could hardly believe it was your first major-league start. Unfortunately, when they came to the plate your teammates resembled nothing so much as drugged emus.

Please allow this longtime Twins fan to offer you a piece of advice which, if followed, will help you to remain sane throughout your career as a Twins starter:

Get used to it.

Practically,

TBL

1 of 162

2008-04-01T11:49:00.003-05:00

Twins 3
Los Angeles Angels of Whose Brilliant Idea Was This Name Anyway in Anaheim 2

Ah, dear readers, last night's game deserves better than the little scrap of lunch break TBL has to give it, but such is life in the cubicle. And yea, the cubicle is necessary for the earning of the salary with which the tickets are purchased.

But it was indeed a very good game.

The Bubble was packed, the blizzard-proof roof was welcome, Baby Jesus got his first RBI before the team got its first out, Livan Hernandez was a pleasant surprise, none of the new Twins players lost a ball in the roof/lights (wait for it), Carlos Gomez broke the sound barrier twice, newly vegan Pat Neshek struck out the side, and Joltin' Joe Nathanated the Angels for the save and the win.

The sky did not fall without Johan Santana. The defense did not crumble without Torii Hunter. Though they will both no doubt be sorely missed as the euphoria of Opening Day gives way to the long grind of the season, this game was a lovely way to start.

Did you know...?

The Twins are the only team to open the season without any players on the disabled list.

Last but not least...

Purely on account of his jumbotron photo, TBL has dubbed new shortstop Adam Everett "Jughead".

Glory Days Revisited: Outfield

2008-03-28T12:31:00.000-05:00

Ah, what verdant stretches do our outfielders from the unforgettable years of 2002-2004 patrol now?

Brian "BOOM" Buchanan played for the Padres and Mets after being traded away from the Twins, then spent time with the St. Paul Saints and the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks before recently signing a minor-league deal with the Royals.

Lew Ford refused an assignment to the minors at the end of the 2007 season and signed as a free agent with the Hanshin Tigers in Japan. Here's hoping "Leeeeeeeew!" doesn't mean anything obscene in Japanese.

If the following is news to you, you need to emerge from the cave more often: Torii Hunter signed with the Angels for ninety million dollars in November. Zounds.

Jacque Jones, as you may recall, turned down an offer of arbitration from the Twins in 2005 and soon signed with the Cubs, where he performed fairly well through 2007 but had ongoing conflicts with management. He was traded to the Tigers in the offseason.

Bobby Kielty was traded to the Blue Jays in mid-2003 for Shannon Stewart (more on him anon). In the offseason, the Jays turned around and traded him to the A's for Ted Lilly. He performed poorly for the A's in 2004 but they stuck with him and were rewarded with both a solid 2005 and the presence of biggest Irish afro on earth in their dugout. He saw limited action in '06 and was released while on the disabled list in mid-2007. He signed on with the Red Sox shortly thereafter and went on to hit what turned out to be the game- and series-clinching home run in a pinch-hit appearance during game 4. They signed him to a 2008 contract in the offseason.

Traded to the Giants before the 2004 season, Dustan Mohr has proven hard to keep track of. He played well for the Giants that year but was not retained. He spent 2005 with the Rockies, where he saw limited action and hit poorly. He struggled as a fill-in player with the Red Sox in 2006 and was demoted to the minors and ended the season in AAA for the Tigers. In 2007 he played in a handful of games for the Devil Rays around midseason and was released. He has yet to sign with another team.

Minnesota-born Michael Restovich, claimed off waivers after spring training 2005 by the Devil Rays, was back on waivers within a week and claimed by the Rockies, who traded him to the Pirates that May. He was released at the end of the season, signed to a minor league contract by the Cubs, where he spent the 2006 season. He then signed on with the Nationals in the minor leagues, failed to make the club out of spring training, was called up in mid-April and hit himself back into AAA within weeks. He is currently playing for the Fukuoka SoftBank Hawks. Presumably he made it to Japan by using some small fraction of his frequent-flier miles.

Michael Ryan has not played in the major leagues since the end of his 2005 season with the Twins. He spent 2006 in AAA with the Braves and 2007 in AAA with the Phillies. He is now an unsigned free agent and does not appear to be in spring training with any organization.

Shannon Stewart played for the A's in 2006 and is currently in spring training with his old team, the Blue Jays.

Glory Days Revisited: Infield

2008-03-26T06:10:00.000-05:00

Today we discover whatever happened to those closest to the diamond in the Twins' glorious run of 2002-2004.

Catcher Henry Blanco (aka "Mango Face") moved on to the Cubs after his 2004 stint with the Twins, and is still there. He is such an excellent defensive catcher and game-caller that even the dubious distinction of having the lowest career batting average among active players with 1000+ at-bats cannot dent his career prospects or the affections of Cubs fans.

After a brief stint in the Brewers' minor league system, Pat Borders became the injury-riddled Mariners' main catcher for the first half of 2005. Seattle displayed its gratitude by designating him for assignment at the All-Star break. He signed a minor-league contract with the Dodgers in 2006 but failed to catch on with the big league club. He announced his retirement in May of that year.

Second baseman Jay Canizaro never returned to the majors after his 2002 stint with the Twins. He played one season in the Devil Rays minor leagues before leaving baseball.

Chris Gomez worked his utility-infielder magic with the Blue Jays in 2004, the Orioles from 2005 to mid-2007, and the Indians in the latter half of 2007. He is now with the Pirates. Arr!

After six seasons alternating brilliance and boneheadedness for the Twins, shortstop Christian Guzmán signed a huge four-year contract with the Nationals in 2005, where he has become a byword for disappointment. His 2005 season was nothing short of a disaster, 2006 was entirely lost to a shoulder injury and surgery, and 2007 consisted of brief periods of greatness bracketed by months of disabling injury. He is currently on the last year of his contract

Utility infielder Denny Hocking left the Twins after ten seasons and signed with the Rockies, whom he played for in 2004. In 2005 he played for the Royals. He is now retired and has been doing radio work with Fox Sports.

Ah, Corey Koskie. TBL's all-time favorite player. Brooks Robinson reincarnate in the field. How TBL misses thee. Corey signed with the Blue Jays for the 2005 season but was plagued by injury and did not play much. He was traded to the Brewers and was doing fairly well until suffering a concussion in early July, 2006. Post-concussion syndrome kept him off the field through 2007 and the expiration of his contract. He has not signed with another team.

When the Twins declined to offer a contract after the 2005 season, Matt LeCroy caught on with the Washington Nationals. A less-likely candidate to play in the National League TBL has never seen; the man was born to DH. Catching a game in 2006 due to injuries to both of the team's catchers and despite known bone spurs in his throwing-side knee, he allowed six stolen bases and was lifted in the seventh in favor of a first baseman. The Nationals manager was literally reduced to tears when speaking of it later, defending his decision and LeCroy's abilities. He would spend the second half of the season in the minors and refuse an offer to manage one of their minor-league teams to continue his playing career through a minor-league contract with the Twins. He saw major league action as a September callup, and signed a minor league deal with Oakland in the offseason. He was assigned to minor-league camp early in spring training and requested his release, which was granted. He is currently a free agent.

Doug Mientkiewicz (aka "Dougie Baseball", "Dougie Defense", "Eye Chart") was traded to the Red Sox in mid-2004 for Justin Jones (who promptly amounted to nothing), where he caught the final out in Boston's World Series win and was the subject of controversy for keeping the ball, which has since been given to the Hall of Fame. He then played for the Mets, Royals and Bankees in quick succession. He is in spring training with the Pirates under a minor league contract.

2004 Twins DH/pinch-hitter and very occasional right-side-of-the-infielder Jose Offerman saw limited action with the Mets and Phillies in 2005 before embarking on a second career in the independent leagues.

AJ Pierzynski, after spending only one year with the team that traded Joe Nathan, Boof Bonser and Franciso Liriano to get him (pardon TBL while she chortles...), settled in as the White Sox's everyday catcher and continues to piss people off across the league. He has also made occasional offseason appearances since 2005 with a fringe wrestling outfit called Total NonStop Action.

Catcher Tom Prince retired in 2003 after a brief stint with the Royals. He is currently the manager of the rookie-league GCL Pirates in Bradenton, FL.

The Twins let free-swinging second baseman Luis Rivas drive them crazy for six seasons. The Cleveland Indians put up with it for four games. He spent 2006 in the minor leagues with Tampa Bay, caught on with the Indians, played his four games, got busted back to AAA and is now with the Pirates on a minor-league contract. (Is it just TBL, or are the Pirates grabbing up an awful lot of the Twins' former infielders for this year's spring training roster?)

+3 Nathanator of Closing

2008-03-24T13:19:00.001-05:00

The Twins just announced that they have signed Joe Nathan to a contract extension through 2011, with a club option for 2012. No word yet on how much that cost.

Glory Days Revisited: Pitching

2008-03-23T12:33:00.004-05:00

For some reason, who can say why, TBL has been feeling nostalgic for that incredible run of winning seasons and (less-winning) postseasons from 2002 - 2004. And she started to wonder, whatever happened to those boys?

So TBL decided to hit the Google and find out!

Today we will hunt high and low for long-lost, newly-lost and gladly-lost pitchers from those magical seasons.

Grant Balfour missed 2005 recovering from surgery (and being paid by the Twins). He signed a minor-league contract with the Brewers and rehabbed there until mid-2007, when he returned to major league play and posted a 20.25 ERA in three appearances over 10 days. He was then traded to the Devil Rays and finished out the season with them. He is currently on their spring training roster.

Jack Cressend pitched for the Cleveland Indians in 2003 and actively sabotaged them in 2004. That about did it for his career.

Tony "Palmball" Fiore was last spotted in 2006, playing for an independent league. He has not played in the MLB since his stint with the Twins ended in 2003.

Aaron Fultz pitched for the Phillies from 2005-2006, then was picked up by the Cleveland Indians on a one-year contract with a 2008 option. He is in spring training with the Indians but is struggling.

"Everyday" Eddie Guardado went from Twins closer to Mariners closer, playing there from 2004 to mid-2006, when he was traded to the Reds in July. In August, he blew out his pitching elbow and did not return to major league action until August 2007. His return did not go well. He is now in spring training with the Rangers.

Seth Greisinger played briefly for the Braves in 2005. He then moved on to a career in the Japanese leagues; he will be pitching for the Yomiuri Giants this season.

Following a disastrous stint as closer for the Cubs, LaTroy Hawkins has pitched in a setup role for the Giants, Orioles and Rockies. He is currently pitching for the Evil Empire.

Mike Jackson dropped off the radar in 2003 and pitched poorly for the White Sox in 2004. He is now retired.

Matt Kinney pitched for the Brewers for almost two seasons after his last with the Twins (2002). Designated for assignment in August 2004, he was claimed off waivers by the Royals and finished out the season with them, whereupon he signed with the Giants. He played briefly in San Francisco in early 2005 and then in the minors through 2007. He is currently pitching in Japan.

After the Twins traded Kyle Lohse and his bad attitude to the Reds in mid-2006, he continued to earn less than half his money and was traded to the Phillies in mid-2007. He did well enough there but they did not extend him a contract, and he sat home well into spring training before signing with the Cardinals for (a faintly ludicrous) 4.25 million on March 14th.

Joe Mays signed with the Royals when the Twins declined to offer him a 2006 contract; he was released by the Royals six weeks into the season. Most pitchers would have changed their names and left the country after that, but not Joe. He caught on with the Reds and lasted a whole seven weeks with them. The next season he signed a minor-league contract with the Dodgers but, failing to turn his spring training invite into a major-league job, requested and was granted his release. He has not pitched since but is generally listed as an unsigned free agent rather than a retired player.

Having missed most of 2003 due to injury, Eric Milton was traded to the Phillies for Carlos Silva and Nick Punto in the offseason. The Twins got the best of that deal, as his best post-Twins ERA is 4.75, and that was from 2004. He spent 2004 with the Phillies, then got himself a huge 3-year contract with the Reds which drove fans crazy until his tenure with the team came to an end last May with a season-ending injury. At the time of this writing he is an unsigned free agent and is not, so far as TBL can determine, even in spring training with anyone.

After two seasons with the Twins, Terry Mulholland pitched briefly with the Diamondbacks in 2006 and then retired.

Mike Nakamura pitched for Toronto in 2004 and is currently the closer for the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters. (Hee!)

Brad Radke pitched through 2006 and then retired with a career record of 148-139, 4.22, which is more impressive than it sounds--consider that he pitched for the Twins during the abysmal years of 1995-2000.

Rick Reed retired after going 6-12, 5.07 for the Twins in 2003. Probably a wise move. Still, he was a great help in 2001 and 2002, and for that we thank him.

Joe Roa played in the minors for the Pirates for a year following his 2004 season with the Twins and is now retired.

Kenny Rogers (aka "The Human Rain Delay") has done quite a bit since bidding Minnesota goodbye after the 2003 season. He spent 2004-2005 with the Rangers, pitching in 65 games and beating up two cameramen before moving on to Detroit, where he got himself a World Series ring and made the Twins hitters look foolish at every available opportunity.

JC Romero spent a season with the Angels, half a season with the Red Sox and half a season with the Phillies after the Twins traded him for Alexi Casilla after the 2005 season. He is still with the Phillies after a posting excellent numbers in the second half of 2007. No word yet on whether he continues to devote his spare time to teaching toddlers how to throw a proper tantrum.

You all know where Johan Santana is. Dammit.

Carlos Silva signed a staggeringly large 4-year contract with the Mariners in the offseason.

TBL can find no trace of Bob Wells after his nigh-apocalyptic 2002 season with the Twins.

Holy Grapefruit League, Batboy!

2008-02-28T20:56:00.000-06:00

" 'O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
he chortled in his joy."
--Lewis Carroll, Jabberwocky

At last. Oh, at last! Baseball is back, friends and neighbors. Then end of winter is in sight and there is once again reason to get out of bed in the morning.

TBL has discovered that there is no AM reception in downtown buildings, all of which apparently are made of pure lead, so she has finally succumbed to the XM revolution. For the next month or so, she will be spending her mornings with Air America, while her afternoons will be all spring training, all the time.

Politics, baseball and a view of the Foshay Tower. If one simply must work, it doesn't get much better.

Fortunately for her excellent mood, TBL was unable to receive a broadcast of today's 6-1 spring training opener loss to the Reds. She hears Glen Perkins had a bad day (no surprise after coming off an injury-shortened season) and that hits were few and far between (no surprise when the batters are Twins).

But tomorrow's another game, and today's didn't count.

Play ball!

Early to Rise

2008-02-18T21:41:00.009-06:00

“All shall be well, and all shall be well,
and all manner of things shall be well.”
--Dame Julian of Norwich

Downtown Minneapolis in the 6 o'clock (a.m.) hour is an odd place. A hush has fallen over its bustling precincts; there are people around, but they hurry on their way with heads bent. Even the hiss of espresso machines in skyway coffeehouses sounds strangely muted.

Perhaps it seems weird to me partly because anywhere I find myself before dawn feels a bit surreal. And yet, there's a certain charm in walking the wide corridor of an empty skyway while headlights burn a transient path through the shadowed street below.

In those sleepy moments as I make my way through the maze with my coffee mug in hand and my office shoes not yet ready to remind me that they haven't quite broken in, I am so very glad that all the struggle of the last two years has led me to this life I have today, to my new job and my little apartment-kingdom with its fine patina of cat hair, to old friends and new, to that still and quiet place inside myself, and to the endless possibilities strung out before me like the glowing spheres of the streetlights along Nicollet Mall.

I am remade. I am new. I am filled with wonder.

I am happy.

Heights of Dumbassery

2008-02-14T20:28:00.005-06:00

Recently, several people have asked TBL why she has not blogged on the Santana trade. The answer is simple: TBL tries to keep a 97% profanity-free blog, and until now she has been unable to uphold that standard on this subject. In fact, she has already backspaced over two f-bombs and one h-e-double-hockey-sticks, and this post has barely begun!

By now you, the uniformly astute readers of these pages, have no doubt formed a fairly good idea of the author's opinion on the subject.

TBL is not amused.

We all, of course, recognized--while maintaining irrational hope to the contrary--that a shining star like Johan Santana would not spend his entire career here in Flyover Country, where men are men, sheep are nervous, and pennies are compressed into copper wire inside the white-knuckled grasp of baseball owners.

So TBL cannot claim any real surprise or even dismay over the fact that he was traded. No, all the swearing and rending of garments and flinging of crockery stem from the specifics of the transaction, to wit:

They traded Señor En Fuego, two-time Cy Young Award winner, slayer of dragons, vanquisher of tyrants, savior of distressed maidens, heir of Elendil, Johan "Sit Down, Bitch" Santana for...

...prospects.

PROSPECTS?!

Prospects plus an experienced center fielder or starting pitcher, TBL could have lived with. Even prospects plus a mighty fine relief pitcher. But it just ain't right to trade such a dazzling known quantity for nothing but a handful of question marks, however highly rated.

Imagine, if you will, that fellow Cy Young winner CC Sabathia lost the excess weight and the lousy 'tude, and we went out and got him in exchange for Joe Benson, Wilson Ramos, Tyler Robertson and Anthony Swarzak (currently listed by Baseball America as our #2, 3, 4 and 5 prospects, respectively). How would you feel about that? TBL would, while sincerely acknowledging the potential of said prospects, spend about a month chortling over the dumbassery of the other GM.

Which is, of course, precisely what Mets fans are doing.

So, unless and until one or more of our latest acquisitions becomes a new Twins superstar, TBL must christen GM Bill Smith as "Brian Sabean, the Second".

TwinsFest '08

2008-01-28T08:25:00.001-06:00

Saturday marked TBL's annual pilgrimage to TwinsFest. Since attendance is usually right in line with the prior season's team performance, it was possible to wander about more or less freely for the first time in several years. (There are benefits to stinking up the joint, however small and fleeting.)

The main goals of the day were:
1) Introduce a certain dedicated Twins fan to TwinsFest
2) Meet up with the blogger behind Lipgloss and Baseball
3) Go through the free minor-league autograph line every session
4) See the exhibits
5) Sign up to win free stuff

TBL is happy to report that all goals were satisfactorily accomplished. And now, bits and bobs of the day, in photos.

Boof Bonser, newly trim and ready to pitch.

Mike Redmond helps the Twins Wives' Club sell sparkly shirts.

Mystery player and Nick Punto

What with the new ballpark finally going up, one exhibit showed some of the old ones. TBL suspects that taking photos of photos qualifies as geeky.

And, what we're all eagerly waiting for...the new ballpark! Only teensy!

Back in the Yarn Stash Again

2008-01-27T20:10:00.000-06:00

Greetings, dear readers! TBL is back!

The novel is done, the severance package has not run out, and there will be an interesting announcement regarding cubicle-type stuff just as soon as the paperwork is done and it's all official.

TBL is working on her annual Twinsfest report, which will appear here soon, but for tonight, a knitting pattern.

Over the weekend, TBL learned that one of her friends (who has gone over and above the call of duty in the emotional-and-practical-support-for-the-unemployed-friend game these last two months) recently lost his only winter hat. Well, what's a knitter to do? TBL cracked open the stash, unearthed her very best skein of alpaca, and cast on.

But this couldn't be just any hat, oh, no. This occasion deserved a brand new pattern, made up on the spot. TBL based it on the super-stretchy, extra-insulating "waffle stitch", and here, without further ado, presents:

Aaron's Hat

This is a "gaugeless" pattern. Take your own gauge with whatever needles and yarn you like and figure out how many stitches you'll need for the circumference you desire. Waffle stitch is VERY stretchy; no need to do a gauge swatch in pattern. Taking your gauge from stockinette stitch will work perfectly.

Go down a size or two from the needle recommended for your yarn to make this hat nice and toasty warm.

Mine was worked over 80 stitches with Misti Alpaca Chunky on size 8 (US) needles.

---------

Cast on a multiple of 8 stitches, join into a round.

Work in waffle stitch until piece measures about 3 pattern repeats short of the total desired length.

Waffle Stitch in the round:
1 & 2: (K2, P2) around
3: K around
4: P around

(closeup of waffle stitch pattern)

Decrease:
1: (K2, P2tog, K2, P2) around
2: (K2, P1, K2, P2) around
3: (K5, K2tog) around
4: P around
5: (K2tog, P1, K2, P1) around
6: (K1, P1, K2, P1) around
7: (K2, K2tog, K1) around
8: P around
9: (K2tog, K1, P1) around
10: (K2, P1) around
11: (K1, K2tog) around
12: P around
13: K2tog around

If more than 10 stitches remain, repeat round 13.

Cut yarn and thread tail through live stitches. Pull tight. Weave in ends. Stay warm!

Four Days in November

2007-11-28T15:55:00.002-06:00

Even most of TBL's closest friends did not know this until now: aside from all the story writing and blogging, TBL also keeps a journal. A traditional, handwritten journal. A diary, if you will. And while most of the contents are extremely private, TBL would like to share with all of you a few recent entries.

Do pardon the diarists' shorthand--they were not originally written for public consumption, and TBL does not bother with trivialities like grammar and prepositions when writing solely for herself. Proper names of people and companies have been redacted because they are nobody else's business.

25.Nov.07

First entry in weeks. Will shortly lose lack-of-time excuse as have been laid off. Do not expect to work between Wednesday (first day unemployed) and new year.

Announcement of layoff (19.Oct) followed by three weeks solid depression. Cleanliness of apartment has yet to completely recover. Will shortly have time to rectify that, as well.

Looking for new job downtown. Being there would go long way toward making up for recent events.

Hope to finish revisions of Catch Me in December, since will have all that time. Ask A____ for advice how to find right agent?

Severance package quite good. Jobless December not worrisome. Trying to view time off to write as gift. When else might have chance at whole month off? But still hoping to win Hot Lotto.

Have been reading up on Buddhism. Idea of "right thought" and seeing things as they really are very appealing. Also concept of mindfulness, opposite societal worship of multitasking. Meditation very difficult, though--brain not wired for stillness.

Knitting lots lately. Also reading and watching movies. Distractions sans interactions.

26.Nov.07

Tomorrow last day at job. Have résumé in for 3 positions--1 @ K____, 2 @ C____. REALLY want job at C____. Excellent benefits, everyone who works there seems to love the place.

Not sure how to make it through tomorrow with dignity intact. Have been known to cry at commercials.

J____ coming to pick me up, bless her--will not have to face teary bus ride clutching box of lost-job detritus. Have better friends than deserve.

One foot in front of other. No day lasts forever. Got through divorce, will get through this.

27.Nov.07

Last day @ G____. Plan to hand off key card and bolt before could cry foiled by sudden appearance of half of team. Somehow managed to joke around with them several minutes before making exit. Cried in car. Professional dignity intact, passenger seat slightly damp.

Spent evening watching DVDs with J____ & printing out résumé for job fair tomorrow. Résumé paper should go out, find job for me, given exorbitant cost.

28.Nov.07

Am now officially unemployed. Yet, still got up before crack of dawn, because job fair* at 8:30. Insult, meet injury.

Got all tarted up in best professional-style outfit, went to ass-end of Bloomington to beg for employment. ("Tarted up" prob. not best phrase; actually looked like Republican convention delegate. Very disturbing.)

Turns out, rumor that are more jobs like mine than people like me in need of jobs is true. IT recruiter from S____ tried to get me to give him all my résumés so I could not hand out elsewhere. IT recruiter from P____ wanted to know if could interview this week. Both companies, unfortunately, in locations that suck, also known as outer ring suburbs. IT recruiter from T____ downtown asked ton of questions, scribbled notes all over résumé and mentioned specific job trying to fill. HR types with W____ and U____ downtown made interested noises but unsure what openings were in IT. Left résumé, will be forwarded to IT types.

Really want to work downtown. If find job there, will be magically transformed into super-cool single girl about town. (Realistically, will prob. continue as awkward, knitting spinster with cats, but firmly believe that rich fantasy life is good thing, esp. in troubled times.)

Cat suddenly behaving very strangely, perhaps in odd feline attempt to cheer up the biped.

Is working.

* Not sure why called "job fair". "Fair" implies bright lights, food on stick, atmosphere of gaiety, possibly beer. Job fair had none of above. Also, facial muscles sore from excess of fake smiling. Should be "job gauntlet" or perhaps "employment roulette".

Half an Hour

2007-11-07T11:06:00.000-06:00

This morning, I was half a block from my bus stop when the bus went whizzing merrily through the intersection.

I was not late. It was early.

With a few choice words on the probable ancestry of bus drivers who can't stick to the schedule, I struck out for the nearest coffeeshop to wait out the half hour until the next bus came along. On the way I passed beneath the overhanging branches a tree festooned with leaves faded to a glorious shade of chartreuse. The sidewalk beneath was carpeted in those leaves, rustling as I walked over them.

A breeze kicked up just then and knocked a bushel of them free from the branches. I stopped and stood there laughing like a crazy person while the leaves whirled around me. I wasn't slumped in a bus seat on my way to my rapidly-disappearing job. I wasn't trying to coax resume-worthy phrases out of my sleepy brain or calculating for the hundredth time just how long my severance package could be expected to support me.

No, I was standing on the sidewalk on a quiet street being pelted by windblown leaves on a crisp autumn morning when all the colors of the world were just beginning to turn winter-bright. Half an hour that normally belongs to my obligations suddenly belonged to me, the unexpected gift of an early bus.

The breeze died and the leaves settled around my feet and I continued on to the coffeeshop. When I asked for a jacket for my cup the guy behind the counter and I spent a minute laughing over all the funny things he'd had customers call those little rings of cardboard. My favorite was "mittens".

Then I sat and drank my coffee and read my book and watched the dry red and brown maple leaves skitter across the road outside. When the next bus came, I got on it and I went to work, where most of the cubicles are empty now and everything I do comes with a countdown clock attached.

But when I close my eyes, I can see brilliant green leaves swirling in the wind.

Don't Let the Door Hit You, Etcetera

2007-10-19T12:16:00.001-05:00

Well, dear readers, TBL's amazing run of luck has continued with the announcement on Wednesday that her job is being "eliminated" at the end of November.

You may have seen The Company on the news that evening; the story started "Massive layoffs today at a Bloomington mortgage company..." Yes, indeedy, the job TBL has had for the last eleven years was part of that sad tale.

Therefore, TBL will be taking some time away from the blog to sob quietly in a corner, with occasional breaks to gnaw on the couch cushions and/or construct tinfoil hats. After that, the job hunting. Needless to say, blogging will probably be rather more spotty than usual for the foreseeable future. Either that, or you will be hearing from TBL much more than you'd prefer. Hard to say, really.

Ask And Ye Shall...

2007-10-16T10:00:00.000-05:00

Mere days after wishing for, in essence, a coffeehouse with beer, TBL unwittingly wandered into just such a place!

Common Roots Cafe, on the northwest corner of 26th & Lyndale, has soups, salads, sandwiches, bagels, pastries, other breakfasty things, coffee drinks and...beer and wine! Oh, but it gets better, dear readers.

They use local ingredients, compost their food waste (there's a special bin for customers to tip their own uneaten portions into), and serve Peace Coffee, which is a line of fair trade organic coffees from a company based right here in Minneapolis. The tap beers were all local brews when I was there--two from the new Surly Brewery in Brooklyn Center, an organic ale from Flat Earth in St. Paul, and do-gooder beer Finnegan's from St. Paul mega-brewer Summit. All the wines listed on their online menu are regional and/or fair trade. The lighting is good and the furnishings simple. Alas, no couches. And last but not least, the menu is vegetarian-friendly.

Helpful reader Douglas suggests, in the comments to the original post, Arcadia Cafe on Franklin and Nicollet as another place where one can get a drink or two without having to navigate the bar scene. TBL has not been there yet.

Must...Sleep...

2007-10-11T10:00:00.000-05:00

We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION". Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the police would find you.
You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
-- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"

It's going around. That first early-October bout of flu, which hits before the shot can take hold, if not before the shot has even been administered. And this year, it's a bad one. TBL knows. TBL has got it. TBL would very much like to curl up and die, but having taken Tuesday off work to nip this thing in the bud (and that worked ever so well...) she must stagger onward until the weekend.

If you've got/had it, you already know that this is a keep-you-up-all-night flu. If you haven't had it yet, be warned. Of course, when battling the Martian Death Flu, sleep is your best weapon. And because TBL cares about you, dear readers, she is going to share with you her secret homemade sleepin' potions, which she has found to be nearly as effective as codeine without the need for any pesky prescriptions, and also tastier than over-the-counter medicines.

(do not, TBL repeats, do not mix these with anything you're not supposed to take with alcohol)

Get into your pyjamas first. You are ill and exhausted, and therefore will not be awake long enough after you take these to change clothes.

O'Nyquil (hot)

In a standard sized coffee mug, put 2-3 tablespoons honey (more if your throat is sore and/or you have a sweet tooth), a smidgen of cardamom, a generous squirt of lemon juice (optional), and a dash of cinnamon. Or, have a cinnamon stick on hand to stir the final product with.

Fill 3/4 full with boiling water, stir until honey is dissolved. Add one jigger (1.5 oz) Irish whiskey (Scotch fans could use that, TBL supposes. That would be MacNyquil.). Stir again. Drink while hot. Collapse into bed.

Drowsy Monk (cold)

Add 2 oz Benedictine to 6 oz orange juice. Stir. Ignore funny color. Drink. Sleep.

It should go without saying that you need to stay well-hydrated whilst ill, and more so if using alcohol to induce sleep! TBL does not recommend any alcohol consumption whilst sick if you can sleep without it, but if you can't it's definitely the lesser of two evils.

They Should Serve Beer at Dunn Bros.

2007-10-06T22:48:00.000-05:00

The fridge here at Casa Liberales normally contains a small supply of beer, usually an ale of some description. Bell's Oberon and Finnegan's Irish Amber are the current favorites. But you know, sometimes a girl just wants a nice stout. Or perhaps a porter. A lambic, even, on very rare occasions. Rather than laying in a whole six-pack, parts of which might still be cluttering up the beer drawer (What, it's supposed to be for produce? Who knew?) six months later, I usually just stroll on down to the local bar.

Let me tell you, going to a bar alone is strange. Especially on a Friday or Saturday when it's really crowded. I know people do it, but what I don't get is how they can just sit there at the bar without anything to do.

It's likely a side effect of growing up an only child in a house full of books smack in the middle of 50-odd partially tamed acres ideal for playing knights-and-dragons or wizards-and-invading-hordes in, but I require constant intellectual stimulation. I am more than capable of providing said stimulation for myself, but I can't just sit somewhere. I have to be reading or writing or watching (good) TV. Or engaged in conversation, of course.

Then again, I'm not one of these hail-fellow-well-met sorts who can wander into the local watering hole and befriend half the bar in a quarter of an hour or less. Actually, with the exception of those very rare people with whom I feel instantly comfortable, I can barely string together a coherent sentence when talking to strangers. And "people watching" in a bar is only interesting for the first five minutes.

So when I go to the bar on my own, I take a book. Boy, do I get some funny looks. Especially on the weekends. Also, reading by the light of that dinky little candle on the table? Not easy. Once, someone actually stopped by my table and asked, "Why don't you go to a coffeeshop and read?"

I said, "I didn't want coffee. I wanted a beer." And I went back to reading.

But you know, if someone opened a bar with a coffeehouse feel (lights up, free wi-fi, pastries available, etc.) I would LOVE that. The quiet and sense of space and maybe a few puffy couches, now with beer!

I would miss out on the drunken proclamations of the trendy young things at the next table, but you can't have it all.

Not Our Best Day

2007-10-03T18:49:00.001-05:00

See this cat? This cat hates me.

This cat hates me because, in the course of an hour and a half, I:

woke her from her nap (also known as "daylight")
stuffed her into a small crate
carried her from her home out into the big scary world
took her WAY too close (approximately 20 feet) to traffic
handed her over to strangers who:

stuck a thermometer somewhere she did not find amusing
drew her blood...twice
held her over a sterile basin and squeezed

stuffed her back into the crate
took her back out into the big scary world
woke her up from her restorative post-trauma nap to squirt antibiotics down her throat

And though I attempted to explain that I, too, had had something of a traumatic afternoon, she failed to see how loss of large amounts of "money" (whatever that is) and witnessing smoke coming off one's "debit card" (ditto) is in any way comparable to the indignities she suffered.

On the other hand, I'll get paid again long before she stops having Clavamox squirted down her throat twice daily...

Coming Soon

2007-10-02T08:25:00.000-05:00

TBL was going to do a postmortem of the Twins season here tonight, but she is instead dealing with a sick cat. The highs and lows (oh, so many lows) of the 2007 Twins season will, never fear, be picked apart in due course. There may also (bonus material!) be some sobbing about vet bills and being tired of eating ramen.

Dustpans for Garza

2007-09-20T13:54:00.000-05:00

Being on the winning end of a sweep is a glorious thing, made even more so by the preceding weeks of The Minnesota Twins Present: A Keystone Cops Revival.

It sure didn't look like Young Master Garza was going to get his first (ever) win at the Dome last night when the first batter of the game tagged pitch #5 waaaaaay into the right field seats. But he pulled himself together and pitched 6 1/3 innings without giving up any more earned runs (there was an unearned run in the seventh). He also got four whole runs of support from his teammates, the most he's gotten all season long. TBL is belatedly realizing that the Curse of Radke has not landed solely on poor Johan...

Also, Morneau got hits in this series. Yes--multiple hits! Okay...two. But still, the hitting!

And last but not least, and also serendipitously on National Talk Like A Pirate Day, TBL finally got to meet up Jen of Lipgloss & Baseball for a game and a long chat. Turns out, we were separated at birth. (Something you've been meaning to tell me, FPC?) Be very afraid, Minnesota--there are two of us. Muahahahahaha.

And now, Twins haikus:

Firmly entrenched in
Third place, watching the hated
White Sox rot in fifth

I don't really mind
No October ball; just send
The Yankees home too

Next up: Friday night, Johan "Will This Season Never End?" Santana vs. Mark "Twin Killer" Buehrle and the despicable Chicago Whine Sox. TBL's laying in the good whiskey for this one.

Minnesota Math

2007-09-17T09:16:00.000-05:00

On Friday evening, whilst watching the fiasco unfolding on the field before her, TBL sent a text message to FPC who, as a long-suffering Cubs fan, would surely understand.

It's one thing when your team sucks. But when your team sucks AND the umpires suck, there forms a great swirling vortex of suck from which nothing can escape.

And after the next two games (Baseball 2.0--now without egregious umpire interference!) it occurred to TBL that "great swirling vortex of suck" was a pretty apt description of the season as a whole. (And should any of you think TBL is being too harsh, bear in mind that the highlights of the season thus far have been a five-game winning streak in late August and a doubleheader stomping of the dreadfully bad White Sox in July.)

It also turns out that TBL's decision not to reserve a bundle of bucks for playoff tickets was the right one.

The Twins have been eliminated from the Central Division race, and the only way they could win the wild card would be to win every game for the rest of the season, while Detroit, New York, Seattle, Toronto and Oakland all lost every game remaining to them. Which, considering that Oakland and Seattle are playing a series against each other starting today, is utterly impossible.

Okay. No playoffs. How about a winning season, TBL? What would that take, you wonder?

Allow TBL to break that down for you.

The Twins have 13 games remaining on the schedule. They are currently 5 games below .500. If they go on a 5-game winning streak starting tonight (and wouldn't that be delightful?), they would hit .500 on Saturday, with 8 games left to play. Winning four of the eight, naturally, would give them a season record of .500, while even one more win would allow them to squeak into the "winning season" category.

In other words, they have to win 9 of 13 (play at a .693 clip) to break even, or 10 of 13 (.769) to climb past .500.

In those 13 games the Twins (72-77, .483) face the Rangers (70-79, .470), the White Sox (64-85, .430), Detroit (83-67, .553) and Boston (90-60, .600). And while there is a slim chance the Twins could sweep both Texas and Chicago, TBL is pretty well convinced that Detroit and Boston are going to kick their butts so thoroughly there won't be much left of the team but a faint smear on the Green Monster when all's said and done.

But perhaps they will surprise us. Goodness knows they've been a surprise to TBL most of the season.

Changing of the Guard (Or, Holy ****!)

2007-09-13T12:27:00.000-05:00

from WCCO.com:

Terry Ryan, executive vice president and general manager of the Minnesota Twins, will announce Thursday afternoon that he is stepping down at the end of this season.

Ryan, 52, will stay with the organization, WCCO's Mike Max has learned. The Twins won the American League Central last season, but they're two games under .500 this season and out of the playoff chase.

Ryan has long been highly regarded throughout baseball for his work in crafting a contender with a limited payroll. The Twins have received several awards for Organization of the Year this decade, but Ryan began to take some heat this year for the signings of some unproductive veterans and failures to lock up some of the team's stars to long-term contracts.

Uh...wow.

This is unexpected.

Perhaps not entirely unwelcome, given recent events, but definitely unexpected. Although the finaly paragraph in this segment of article may offer a hint as to why recent events have occurred...

But the last two years haven't been as kind to Ryan. The Twins stumbled out of the gate last season when Ryan gambled on veterans Tony Batista and Rondell White to supplement a shaky lineup. It wasn't until he relented and put in younger players that the Twins made their stunning run to another division title.

And this year, Ryan took a chance on rickety veterans Sidney Ponson and Ramon Ortiz to bolster a rotation that lost Brad Radke to retirement and Liriano to injury. But both Ponson and Ortiz flamed out early in the season.

Ryan also has failed to get long-term extensions done for ace Johan Santana, Hunter and reigning MVP Morneau, putting the future success of the Twins in question as they get ready to move into a new stadium a few years down the road.

Assistant general manager Wayne Krivsky, who was long lauded for his behind-the-scenes work as Ryan's right-hand man, left before last season to take over as Cincinnati's general manager.

Was Krivsky the brain behind the throne? The man has made some good, and some other very interesting trades for the Reds in the last two years.

The big question, though--who's the new GM?

And Now, A "Duh" Moment

2007-09-13T10:59:00.000-05:00

According to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, Johan Santana wants himself a six-year contract:

Whether the Twins trade two-time Cy Young Award winner Johan Santana this winter could depend on whether they are willing to give him six years or more on a contract extension rather than the five they're expected to offer.

Here's a wild-n-crazy idea.

GIVE IT TO HIM.

Unraveling

2007-08-30T10:41:00.000-05:00

SWIPE!

(hack, cough, sputter)

Gads, the blog was dusty! Pardonez-TBL for one moment, she missed a spot...there. Much better.

Well. Here we are again. TBL confesses to neglecting the blog partly because the Twins continue their pursuit of blah-ness. (Although, the series in Baltimore? Delightful!) But the largest share of the blame, TBL is afraid, must be laid square at the doorstep of fellow blogger Crazy Aunt Purl.

CAP is a funny, funny lady, and TBL reads her often because when one is of an age that no longer begins with "2" and suddenly finds oneself divorced and living on one's own with several cats and a yarn stash that has grown large enough to devour the neighbor children, it is lovely to know (or at least read) someone in much the same situation who can make it all seem hysterically funny.

And CAP, in the course of being very funny about things like the relative coolness factor of thirty-something spinsters with cats who knit a lot (you called?), got me addicted to a TV show on BBC America called 'How Clean Is Your House?'. Basically, these two women travel Britain going to houses that are so messy they're a health hazard, cleaning them up, showing the residents all the bugs, vermin and dangerous microorganisms they've been living with, and sharing handy chemical-free cleaning tips. Then they come back a few weeks later to see if the residents are keeping the place clean or sliding back into old habits.

Since CAP's post about the show was so amusing, TBL set the DVR for an episode. And made the mistake of watching it during dinner. Then TBL jumped up and cleaned her kitchen counters.

Long story short, BBCA airs two hours of 'How Clean is Your House?' every weekday. TBL gets home from work, makes some dinner, watches two hours of Kim and Aggie setting their "filthy beggars" to rights, and then sets to on the much more manageable problems here at Casa Liberales. And while TBL will never be as, er...exacting as Kim and Aggie, in the last two weeks she has dusted every surface in her home, scrubbed every inch of her kitchen and bathroom surfaces and floors, cleaned out and scrubbed the fridge, vacuumed twice-weekly, polished her silver, organized her closets and cupboards and even shoehorned her yarn stash into a manageable space. Furthermore, she has created a cleaning schedule and posted it on her fridge where it confronts her every day when she makes dinner. TBL has become tidy, dear readers.

That thumping sound you just heard was Fourth Pew, Center fainting from the shock.

Did you know that housework burns about 200 calories an hour? TBL's favorite jeans are looking scandalously good on her these days, if she does say so herself. All that TV-watching and frenzied cleaning, however, have not left much time for the blogging. And that is why Crazy Aunt Purl is to blame.

There has, however, been gobs of time to knit! (Well, what do you do while you're watching television? Never tell TBL you just sit there.) In what may prove to be the greatest barrier yet to managing the yarn stash, one of the knitters at TBL's Thursday evening stitch-n-bitch, as opposed to the Sunday morning stitch-n-bitch, has taught TBL the secret to acquiring incredibly cheap yarn. Those of you on a yarn diet should skip the next few paragraphs.

Go to a thrift store (and there are plenty around the Twin Cities). Yard sales can also be good. Browse the sweaters: start at large and work your way down the sizes--bigger sweater = more yarn! Also, for some reason, TBL has noticed that sweaters in very large sizes are more likely to be hideously designed but made out of lovely yarn. Check the seams--do not buy serged seams. Pick the sweater apart at home. Unraveling is the best part! Loop the yarn (which now looks like ramen noodles) into loose skeins. Wash gently to take the kinks out and dispel that lovely thrift-store aroma. Dry. Wind into skeins. Add to stash.

TBL loves this because not only is it so very in keeping with her environmenty and recycley tendencies (aka "hippieness"), but it's cheap yarn. Gobs and gobs of yarn for pennies a gram! You begin, dear readers, to see why stash size is a matter of concern.

TBL has acquired five sweaters ranging from $3.99 to $9.99. She has unraveled three so far. One, a lovely worsted weight coral and red twist in a silk/nylon/wool blend, yielded over 800 yards. A worsted self-striping jewel toned wool/mohair blend yielded about 1000 yards. An acrylic in shades of green gave 850 yards. (Many yarn snobs will not bother to recycle acrylic yarn. However, TBL is ever so slightly allergic to wool, in much the same way as she is ever so slightly fond of baseball. She finds cashmere scratchy.)

For yardage, measure out ten yards and weigh on a kitchen scale. Weigh total recycled yarn. Calculate approximate yardage thus: (sample weight in grams/10) * total weight in grams.

The silk/nylon/wool blend is being worked up into a clapotis stole. The acrylic is earmarked for a scarf. The self-striping wool/mohair will probably be a shawl someday, likely for Shiela's Shawls. The sweaters waiting to be unraveled are a variegated DK wool in crayon colors which will probably end up as a pile of hats and mittens for all the nephews and the niece, circa 2009, and a men's XXXL in sock-weight maroon tweed cotton.

One day soon--pictures!

Back on the baseball front, however, things are not so tidy and TBL is not having so much fun. There has been a great deal of talk about whether the Twins can retain the services of Johan Santana, and judging by what Santana himself has had to say lately, it does not seem promising.

Allow TBL to refresh your memory:

"I'm not surprised," Santana was quoted when asked about the lack of another trade. "That's exactly how they are. That's why we've never going to go beyond where we've gone."
And the ace said that it might jeopardize his future with the franchise.
"You always talk about future, future, future," Santana told the paper. "But if you only worry about the future, then I guess a lot of us won't be a part of it."
"Why waste time when you're talking about something that's always going to be like that? It's never going to be beyond this point. It doesn't make any sense for me to be here, you know?"
Santana wouldn't elaborate on his comments Wednesday, saying that he had said all he wanted to say a day earlier. But the two-time Cy Young Award winner did confirm that his statements were indeed how he felt.
"I was just being honest," Santana said.

This team can build for the future all it wants, but without Santana things don't look so good. Yes, there's Francisco Liriano, but he just had Tommy John surgery. It's going to be a couple of years before we have a good idea of what his future holds.

Obviously, one can't go back in time and make a big trade to boost the club and keep Santana happy. But there's an offseason coming up--how about getting something done at the winter meetings, TR? Show us, and Johan, that the organization is committed to building for the immedate rather than the distant future.

In Other News...

2007-08-16T14:45:00.000-05:00

...the Twins traded Ramon Ortiz to the Rockies for AAA third baseman/middle infielder Matt Macri, whom they've had their eye on for quite some time--they drafted him out of high school in the 17th round in 2001 but failed to sign him. The Rockies got him in the 5th round of the 2004 draft out of college.

TBL sez: This isn't exactly the trade for a third baseman so many of us were agitating for a month ago. That said, Ortiz wasn't getting any work here, and Rochester has got to be desperately short of players by now, the way the big club has been looting them.

...Jason Bartlett may be headed to the DL after straining his left hamstring in yesterday's game.

TBL sez: %$#*!

...Jason Kubel's strained right oblique, originally thought to be minor, may land him on the DL, too.

TBL sez: [sound of cranium making contact with desk surface]

...former Twin Jose Offerman lost his freakin' mind after being hit by a pitch in a minor league game, taking his bat to the pitcher and the catcher, dealing the former a broken finger and the latter a season-ending concussion.

TBL sez: Well, that won't get you back to the majors, dumbass. (Also, kind of puts J.C. Romero and Kyle Lohse in perspective, doesn't it?)

...lefty Glen Perkins, on the DL since late May with a shoulder strain, is pitching a rehab assignment for the GCL Twins and, if all goes well, could rejoin the Twins in about two weeks.

TBL sez: Can TBL get a "hallelujah"?

Postcards From the Stands

2007-08-14T19:44:00.000-05:00

While TBL is normally the most mild-mannered of fans (you may cease snickering at your leisure), recent events have gotten her a wee bit hot under the collar. In fact, TBL was in something of a temper when she sat at her escritoire earlier this evening and penned the following missives.

Ron Gardenhire
c/o Minnesota Twins
Minneapolis, MN

Dear Gardy,

It's not "just running into good pitching". It's not "a rough patch". It's a team full of asses in desperate need of a good kicking, and guess whose job it is to wear the steel-toed boots?

Expectantly,

TBL

P.S. In case the hint passed unnoticed, it's your job.

Active Roster
c/o Minnesota Twins
Minneapolis, MN

Dear Twins,

Darling boys. You know how TBL adores you. You know that vast swathes of her life revolve around you. So TBL wants you to remember that she has your best interests at heart and listen very, very carefully. Are you listening? Good.

YOU SUCK.

Not only do you suck, you are wholly responsible for your own sucking. You are the cause of the sucking, the perpetrators of the sucking, and the only ones who can end the sucking.

By blaming it on luck or the Castillo trade or Santana's infamous rant you are not only aiding and abetting the sucking, you are amplifying it. Not to belabor the obvious, but this merry-go-round of stranded runners, errors, bunt attempts worthy of Charlie Chaplin and baserunning that reminds TBL rather painfully of her own brief Little League career requires no amplification.

Pull your heads out of your collective posterior and play some damn baseball, you nodcocks.

Exasperatedly,

TBL

Third Base Line Readers
c/o These Here Innernets
All Over the Darn Place

Dearest Readers,

TBL has carefully assembled this brief collection of baseball-related quotations, appropriate to the circumstances at hand, for your amusement in this bleak hour.

"I get tired of hearing my ballplayers bellyache all the time. They should go sit in the pressbox sometimes and watch themselves play."
--Padres president Buzzie Bavasi

"We had so many people coming in and out they didn't bother to sew their names on the backs of uniforms. They just put them there with Velcro."
--Pirates player Andy Van Slyke

"A man once told me to walk with the Lord. I'd rather walk with the bases loaded."
--Oriole player Ken Singleton

"I told [the manager] I wasn't tired. He told me, 'No, but the outfielders sure are.' "
--Rangers pitcher Jim Kern

"The fans like to see home runs, and we have assembled a pitching staff for their enjoyment."
--Twins executive Clark Griffith

Referentially,

TBL

Moves

2007-08-06T14:42:00.000-05:00

After letting the trading deadline and the $2 million salary savings from moving Luis Castillo to the Mets pass without further comment, the Twins have made a flurry of roster moves in the last few days.

On Friday, with the Twins searching for a roster spot for Michael Cuddyer to occupy when he came off the DL, the Arizona Diamondbacks claimed Jeff Cirillo off waivers. TBL has yet to find a story stating (or even hinting) why Cirillo was out on the waiver wire in the first place. If any dear readers out there possess such information, do please send it this way.

The Twins did not contest the claim, and Cuddyer rejoined the club. Then, on Sunday, Lew Ford was sent down to Rochester to make room for LHP Carmen Cali, plumping the pitching staff up to 12 members after a period of heavy use of the bullpen. Naturally, after this decisive action, Sunday's starter went eight shutout innings. One wonders if Ford appreciates the irony.

Speaking of Sunday's starter--eight innings, four hits, two walks, no runs. The more TBL sees of Baker and Garza, the more she mourns the losses Ponson compiled for us.

And last but not least, I came across this quote over the weekend. Nick Punto, if you're out there, this one's for you:

"It's not easy to hit .215. You have to be going terrible and have bad luck, too."
--Steve Kemp

Regarding the Bridge Collapse

2007-08-02T12:16:00.000-05:00

Darling readers, I am fresh out of funny today.

Last night, the I-35 bridge over the Mississippi River in downtown Minneapolis collapsed during rush hour. I was not there; I rarely traveled that bridge. To the best of my knowledge, no one of my acquaintance was there. The first I heard of it was an announcement over the PA at the Metrodome, informing us of the tragedy and asking us all to stay for the game, so as not to add traffic to an already chaotic situation on downtown roads.

I have not been directly affected, except...

Except, I live here. Minneapolis is my home, and disaster has struck it. My life, my community, my plans for the future all have "Minneapolis, Minnesota" writ large across them, and this terrible thing has happened here.

We know that a 2001 inspection revealed "fatigue cracking" in the bridge supports, but concluded that it was still sound and did not require immediate intervention. We know that in 2005 a federal report labeled the bridge "structurally deficient", but that this designation is somewhat vague and, more to the point, applies to thousands upon thousands of bridges nationwide which haven't exactly been falling down in droves. Bridges can be classified structurally deficient due to any number of problems, many of which are not a source of immediate danger.

We do not know what the problems with the I-35 bridge were, or how serious they were deemed. We do not know whose responsibility it was to monitor the bridge, or whether they followed proper procedures. We do not know if this was at all predictable. We want to know. We want to be angry and to punish, because then we will feel as if we are doing something, creating something out of this twisted mass of steel, concrete and horror.

Let us leave aside blame for now. There will be plenty to go around when we know why this happened. That may be months or even years in the future. Regardless of how long it takes, why open new wounds which may be undeserved? Sorrow and gratitude is the harder road, but the better.

There is a good deal to be sorrowful for. For the dead and their families, first and foremost. For the physical and mental trauma of the surviving victims, next. For our own sense of safety and trust in public works. For the city, reeling and confused today, with years of disorder and band-aid traffic solutions ahead. For all the things which will be neglected or downsized or ended for lack of a piece of the hundreds of millions of dollars it will take to rebuild.

There is also a good deal to be grateful for. Due to resurfacing, the 8-lane bridge was down to two. Imagine how many more cars might have been on it otherwise. The most-occupied vehicle involved in the collapse--a school bus carrying around 60 people--was not the site of any death or even serious injuries. The train traveling under the bridge at the time was carrying freight, not passengers. The Twin Cities boast three Level One trauma centers. (Many cities, even larger cities than this, have only one. Some have none.) The best possible emergency care for the victims was not only available, it was abundant. And let us not forget the citizens and rescue workers who rushed headlong into chaos and saved lives while risking their own.

We do not know why this happened. We may not know for years. We will all, I expect, flinch a little when passing under or over a bridge for a while. There will be memorial services, public announcements, political wrangling and fiercely-argued theories from the mundane to the boggling in the days ahead. There will be a flurry of bridge inspections, and alarming news reports on the results. Finances and partisanship willing, repairs will be undertaken. Minneapolis will knit itself back together. Memories, anguish and even blame will fade.

Someday, there will be a new bridge for I-35. And someday later still, we will drive over the new bridge and casually say, "Remember when...?"

Taking a Lead(off Hitter)

2007-07-31T13:26:00.000-05:00

Normally, three in a row would not be very impressive. But, considering what came just prior (a five game losing streak), TBL just has to say:

Holy winning streak, Batman!

Win the Third came on the backs of Scott "May I Stay, Please?" Baker (8 IP, 7 K, 2 H, 1 ER, 0 BB) pitching a gem, Joe "Sorry About Going 0-for-Cleveland" Mauer (3 RBI) accounting for all Twins runs and Jason "Who, Me?" Tyner (3-for-4, 2 R) hitting like a madman in the unfamiliar role of leadoff hitter (more on that, later).

Win the Second was due largely to an excellent pitching performance by Matt "I'd Like To Stay, Too" Garza (6 IP, 11 K, 5 H, 3 BB, 1 ER) and three errors by a surprisingly helpful Cleveland squad.

Win the First, you may recall, featured a return to form for Johan "En Fuego Again" Santana and the first major-league home run by Jason "Woo-Hoo!" Tyner, snapping his streak of 1,120 at-bats without a longball, which was the longest active-player streak in the ML until it snapped.

Now, if you've been living in a cave you may be wondering why Jason Tyner was batting leadoff last night. Never fear, subterranean friends, TBL will fill you in.

Yesterday, the Twins traded second baseman and perennial leadoff man Luis Castillo to the Mets for a double-A catcher and an A outfielder. And that, in a nutshell, is how Tyner got the leadoff job last night.

But, TBL, you may ask, don't the Twins have more of a leadoff hitter type somewhere on the roster?

Apparently not, dear readers. Apparently not. There's Bartlett, of course, but it's been proven time and again that when you're waiting for this organization to give Barty a little love, you'll be waiting until just shy of Doomsday. Punto would be a candidate, if this were last season. He'll have to hit something this season to see the first half of the order, however, much less leadoff. The new kid's too untried, Mauer's too slow (ditto Cirillo), Hunter's too free-swinging, and everyone else is either a power hitter, a bench player or on the DL.

And what, you may then inquire, does this trade mean for the Twins, TBL?

That depends, dear readers. That depends.

It depends on what does or does not happen before 3:00 this afternoon. Either the Twins will take the 2 million bucks they're saving on Castillo's salary for the rest of this season and use it as part of an action to acquire someone really good to boost the club in the second half and (oh please oh please oh please) next season as well.

Or, they'll do nothing.

(There is, one supposes, the third option of using that money to make a really lousy trade for, say, Jason Giambi or someone equally appalling, but TBL prefers to cling to the belief that the Twins haven't sunk that far until events prove otherwise.)

If they use the salary savings and make a big splashy wonderful trade, then the Castillo trade means that the Twins were willing to tighten their belts and make a sincere and difficult sacrifice in order to better the team.

If they do nothing, it means they've given up and Pohlad needed two million bucks to buy himself something almost as pleasant as a playoff run.

Clock's ticking, my dears.

The Only Award Likely This Season

2007-07-26T12:33:00.000-05:00

...and the award for Best Impersonation of a Sad Sack of Crap goes to...

*drumroll*

...the Minnesota Twins, in the sixth inning of yesterday's game! Wooo!

Let's take another look at this stunning performance:

Carlos Silva pitching:
~ Frank Thomas walked.
~ Matt Stairs reached on fielder's choice to second, Thomas out at second.
~ Aaron Hill safe at first on 3rd baseman Rodriguez's fielding error, Stairs to second.
~ Gregg Zaun doubled to deep right, Stairs scored, Hill to third.
~ John McDonald tripled to center, Hill and Zaun scored.

Dennys Reyes relieved Carlos Silva.
Dennys Reyes pitching:
~ Troy Glaus singled to left center, McDonald scored.
~ Lyle Overbay walked, Glaus to second.

Juan Rincón relieved Dennys Reyes.
Juan Rincón pitching:
~ Alex Rios singled to left, Glaus scored, Overbay to second.
~ Vernon Wells walked, Overbay to third, Rios to second.
~ Frank Thomas singled to right, Overbay and Rios scored, Wells to third.
~ Matt Stairs doubled to deep left center, Wells scored, Thomas to third.

Matt Guerrier relieved Juan Rincón.
Matt Guerrier pitching:
~ Aaron Hill grounded out to shortstop.
~ Gregg Zaun homered to right, Thomas and Stairs scored.
~ John McDonald lined out to right.

End of Inning (11 Runs, 7 Hits, 1 Error)
(play-by-play from CBSSportsline.com)

TBL sez: It's a good thing this wasn't televised, else TBL might have clawed her own eyes out.

Irons in the Fire

2007-07-25T08:03:00.000-05:00

What can one say about the Twins lately? They're not good enough to inspire, nor bad enough to be comedic. They're just rather...blah. Which may be a good word for the season as a whole, really.

As TBL can take only so much blah without going stark raving mad, she's found other things to occupy her attention lately. (She is still as passionately devoted to the Twins as ever, but sometimes one just needs a wee break, especially in the midst of the blahs.)

Obviously, there was Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which was brilliant and TBL loved it and is now in deepest mourning for the end of the most amazing fantasy series in her lifetime.

Being a frequent walker and bus rider, TBL is never without her mp3 player. Said player is, as usual, tuned to the Levellers. Today's playlist features "Exodus", "Falling From the Tree", "Just the One (EP version)", "Make U Happy", "Liberty Song", "Tranquil Blue", "Another Man's Cause" and "Men-An-Tol".

TBL normally does not watch movies very often, but has been on a rare DVD surge lately. In the last couple of weeks she has watched:

Pride and Prejudice, the 1995 BBC version, which is TBL's favorite movie of all time and which she makes a point of viewing at least thrice yearly despite its being six hours long.
Pride and Prejudice, the new version with Kiera Knightley, which TBL had not seen before, and which failed to impress due to taking far too many liberties with the book. It was, however, visually stunning.
Emma, with Gwynneth Paltrow. A good and very funny short take on a lengthy novel. TBL is still hunting for a copy the miniseries version with Kate Beckinsale.
Sense and Sensibility, the one with Emma Thompson and Hugh Grant. Another old favorite. Yes, TBL does like her Jane Austen...
The Cater Street Hangman, an entertaining version of a well-loved book.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. They're all so TINY in that one! TBL is inspired to greet this coming Halloween as Professor McGonagall.
Nicholas Nickelby, with Charlie Hunnam and Anne Hathaway, which was very well done and frequently hysterical. Nathan Lane plays Crummles--'nuff said!
Nanny McPhee. TBL adores it. Who can resist a movie with both Emma Thompson AND Colin Firth?
An Inconvenient Truth. Even better the second time!

Whilst watching said movies, TBL does like to indulge in some knitting. Currently OTN--on the needles--are: an experimental shawl in James C Brett "Marble" DK (TBL has begun concocting her own patterns, everybody duck), two pairs of socks--a chevron pattern in Lion Brand "Magic Stripes" and a 3x3 rib plain sock in Crystal palace "Panda Cotton", and a Gryffindor House Scarf Bookmark from Charmed Knits: Projects for Fans of Harry Potter in Brown Sheep "Nature Spun".

The past year has not been so good for the writing, but TBL has finally gotten back on that horse. She is actively working on revisions to novel #1, recently completed chapter 4 of novel #2 and a short story which was run as a serial right here on Third Base Line, and is tinkering with chapter 2 of novel #3 whilst pondering another short story. (If anyone would like to volunteer to do TBL's housework and/or laundry, do send an email.)

And, in what miniscule bits of time remain for reading, we find TBL's nose planted in "The Assault on Reason" by Al Gore.

Silva faces off against Litsch today at 11:37 a.m. (and just how in blazes did they come up with that time?!) , attempting to wrest one game of the series from Toronto's clutches. TBL will be tuning in from work and devoutly hoping for something above and beyond blah.

Absent Mind

2007-07-21T02:06:00.000-05:00

Out of body.

Back in 784 pages.

Measuring Up

2007-07-20T12:30:00.000-05:00

While a 2006-esque comeback run is quite possible, mathematically speaking, TBL is just not seeing the playoff fire in this 2007 Twins team. Even when they're winning, they just don't seem like they're prepared to do it consistently. Last year, when they won, they exuded the well-earned satisfaction of a group which has finally begun to succeed at its chosen task. This year, they simply give the appearance of being pleasantly surprised. (This, one might note, does not inspire confidence.)

Intangibles aside, what's the formula for getting to October? Feast on the bad teams, do well against the decent teams, hold your own against the good teams, and have a winning record within your division.

Though who's good, who's indifferent, and who's awful isn't exactly carved in stone yet, either, we know who's in which category now, and how the Twins have done against them so far. Let's review:

The Awful (< .450):

		Twins record
Opponent	Record	W	L	%
Tampa Bay	37-57, .394	3	4	.429
San Francisco	39-54, .419	--	--
Washington	40-55, .421	1	2	.333
Houston	40-55, .421	--	--	--
Pittsburgh	40-54, .426	--	--	--
Cincinnati	41-55, .427	--	--	--
Texas	41-54, .432	2	1	.667
Kansas City	41-53, .436	2	3	.400
Baltimore	42-52, .447	3	0	1.000
Total		11	10	.524

Feasting? TBL thinks not.

The Indifferent (.450 - .550):

		Twins record
Opponent	Record	W	L	%
Chicago White Sox	43-51, .457	7	5	.583
St. Louis	43-49, .467	--	--	--
Florida	45-51, .469	2	1	.667
Oakland	45-50, .474	5	2	.714
Toronto	46-49, .484	4	3	.571
Philadelphia	47-48, .495	--	--	--
Colorado	48-47, .505	--	--	--
Arizona	50-47, .515	--	--	--
New York Yankees	48-45, .516	2	5	.286
Atlanta	51-45, .531	3	0	1.000
Chicago Cubs	50-44, .532	--	--	--
Total		23	16	.590

Doing well? Quite.

The Good (> .550):

		Twins record
Opponent	Record	W	L	%
New York Mets	53-42, .558	2	1	.667
Los Angeles Dodgers	54-42, .563	--	--	--
San Diego	53-41, .564	--	--	--
Milwaukee	54-41, .568	3	3	.500
Seattle	53-39, .576	3	0	1.000
Boston	56-39, .589	1	2	.333
Cleveland	56-39, .589	0	5	.000
Los Angeles Angels	56-38, .596	1	2	.333
Detroit	57-36, .613	5	7	.417
Total		15	20	.429

Holding their own? Not so much.

The Division:

		Twins record
Opponent	Record	W	L	%
Kansas City	41-53, .436	2	3	.400
Chicago White Sox	43-51, .457	7	5	.583
Cleveland	56-39, .589	0	5	.000
Detroit	57-36, .613	5	7	.417
Total		14	20	.418

Winning in the division? Not even close.

The Twins have one of the four elements in the playoff formula, 95 games into the season. TBL just doesn't see it happening this year, folks. Which isn't to say the season is a lost cause. Much may yet be accomplished, the development of key young players being numero uno on that list.

But if you've been saving up for playoff tickets, you might want to start pondering what else you'd like to treat yourself to. TBL is considering Lasik. Or perhaps a spring training jaunt. Decisions, decisions...

Probables - Angels (56-38) at Twins (49-46)

6/20, 7:10 pm:
John Lackey, RHP (12-5, 2.98) vs Carlos Silva, RHP (7-10, 4.55)

Lackey is one of the best out there. A bad day for him is still a rough day for opposing batters. Silva is coming off of a very good outing against the A's but has been shaky overall in the last few weeks.

6/21, 6:10 pm:
Jered Weaver, RHP (6-5, 3.36) vs Boof Bonser, RHP (5-6, 4.68)

Weaver seems to have hit his stride after an injury-plagued first half. Bonser was healthy but largely unimpressive in the first half; lately, though, he has had several promising outings.

6/22: 1:10 pm:
Joe Saunders, LHP (3-0, 2.97) vs Matt Garza, RHP (1-1, 0.00)

Saunders hasn't yet pitched a full season's worth of starts in the big leagues, but he's lefthanded and breathing, which usually spells trouble for these Twins. Add to that the fact that he's been quite good in brief callups for the Angels this year, and Sunday's game should be a challenge for Minnesota hitters. Matt Garza has yet to give up an earned run in ML action this season--his one loss was on an unearned run earlier this week.

The Unluckiest Man on Earth

2007-07-18T09:45:00.000-05:00

7 innings.
26 batters.
3 hits.
3 strikeouts.
1 walk.
0 earned runs.

1 loss.

You, Matt Garza, are the unluckiest man on earth today.

Pelean's Jewel, Part VII

2007-07-14T08:01:00.000-05:00

So the very next day Tallow made that long swim upstream again. He spoke with Pelean for several hours, and revealed more than he realized. When he got back to the palace, he was happy to report that the dragon had agreed to the meeting.

At midmorning on the appointed day, Queen Lilias stood on the bridge where she had lost her jewel, Sir Brennan at her right hand and Mistral at her left, as promised. Knights and nobles and townsfolk crowded the shore to watch this unusual assembly. They saw the dragon coming, a flash of silver in the water, moments before his head broke the surface, rising above the railing.

He looked at the three on the bridge. "You I recognize," he said to Sir Brennan.

"You I do not," he said to Mistral.

"And you must be the queen," he said to Lilias.

"You must be Pelean," Queen Lilias said. "Thank you for coming."

The dragon tilted his head and studied her for a moment. "You'll be wanting this," he said, holding out a webbed paw the size of a serving platter, the jewel in its center.

She caught her breath at the sight of it, but clenched her hands at her sides and did not reach for it. "You are kind, sir, to someone who has not been kind to you."

"You did not know me," Pelean said. "And I can see that you are very young. The young may make mistakes which would be unforgivable in the old."

"No, I did not know you. I did not even know you existed, much less how long and well you had served my kingdom. Yet you were just outside my door all the while. So I wonder—of how many other things, which I ought properly to be aware, am I ignorant?"

"I cannot answer that for you," the dragon said.

The queen smiled. "Of course you cannot. But when you swam away with my jewel, I was forced to look at the world outside my palace. I wish that my first impulse had not been to send men armed with swords and my blessing out into that world to do harm on my behalf."

The dragon said nothing, but inclined his head to show that he understood.

"You are right to say that I want the jewel. But Tallow is right to say that you have earned it. He said you told him that it is the color of the ocean where you were born." She put her hands on the railing and leaned closer. "Do you miss it? Do you want to go back?"

Pelean frowned and thought very hard. "No," he said slowly after a moment. "I love this stream. I do not miss the ocean itself. But when I think of it, I think of my family. And when I see the color of it, trapped within this jewel, I remember them a little better."

"Ah," she breathed. "I understand, Pelean, I do. The jewel belonged to my mother, who died several years ago. I find it difficult sometimes to remember her face or her voice, but when I wear the jewel that was her favorite, it all comes back to me and I feel a little less lonely."

"How can you be lonely?" Pelean wondered. "You are surrounded by people."

"You are surrounded by fish," she said. "But they are not dragons. I am surrounded by people, but they are not queens."

"Oh," he said. "I see."

"I think you do." She turned to Sir Brennan. "Where was Pelean brought from, again?"

"From Gidaleon, by the sea, Your Majesty. A gift from their king to your great-grandfather," the knight replied. His curiosity had led him into the royal records over the last few days, and he had shared what he found with the queen.

She spoke to the dragon again. "If I were to send someone to Gidaleon to find a companion for you, would that please you? Would that be thanks enough for all the time and work you have spent on us? Or is there something else we might do to show our gratitude?"

"I would like nothing better than to have a companion of my own kind," he admitted. "But I would not have another suffer the captivity I endured in my youth."

Queen Lilias nodded. "Of course." She considered the problem for a moment. "What if they wanted to come here? I could send Tallow to try and persuade them. You have no reason to trust me yet, but you would trust him to deal with them honestly, would you not?"

The long column of Pelean's throat worked as he swallowed back some strong emotion. "Even the attempt would be thanks enough, Your Majesty."

"Then it shall be done, if Tallow agrees," she promised.

"I believe he shall," Sir Brennan added. "The boy has an adventurous spirit."

Pelean nodded. Carefully he set the jewel on the railing in front of her. "I may yet see another of my kind again. I could even go back to the ocean if I wished it. You cannot swim south and find your mother. Your memories are more precious than mine."

"Thank you," she said, her fingers closing about the stone. "For everything."

Tallow eagerly agreed to go to Gidaleon, and within a week he set out with Sir Brennan, two strong knights and the wizard's apprentice. The adventures they had along the way are too long a tale to tell here. Suffice it to say that he returned several months later and several inches taller, in the company of not one but three water dragons who wished to live in sweet waters running through a kingdom at peace, far from the brackish sea with its sharks and krakens.

The blue one was called Mirren, the green one, Rushing, and the gold, Donnet. They brought not only themselves but also greetings from Pelean's parents and sister, who had wondered for a hundred years what had become of him, and wept with joy when Tallow told them he was alive and thriving. When Pelean received the message, his own eyes grew rather more watery than usual.

Queen Lilias personally welcomed them all, throwing a great feast on the bank of the stream and scandalizing her advisors by moving freely among her people and speaking with them. The land folk were at first frightened of the dragons, but when they saw how warmly the queen welcomed them and how fond of them Tallow and his companions were, most people gave them a chance and found them quite friendly.

During the party, Sir Brennan found a moment to speak privately with the queen. "Young Tallow is looking for a career," he said. "I have a suggestion."

Queen Lilias listened and agreed that it was an excellent notion. Tallow was given a special tutor, a wise and learned old shifter who had lived among every sort of creature you can imagine, and a few which I daresay you cannot. With his teacher he read a mountain of books and ventured far and wide through the land learning those things which books cannot truly tell. He accompanied diplomats on their delicate missions across the length and breadth of Faerie and spent many an hour in Queen Lilias's court, learning how she preferred that things be done.

When he was older and taller, had absorbed everything his tutor could teach him and knew enough magic from the wizard and enough swordplay from the knights to defend himself, Queen Lilias named him her Special Ambassador to Magical Creatures. If anyone was more pleased with this state of affairs than she, it was her husband the king.

It had, after all, been his idea.

FINIS

Pelean's Jewel, Part VI

2007-07-13T08:03:00.000-05:00

Sir Brennan was sitting by the willow where Tallow had left his clothes when the boy stepped out of the water into the last faint light of sunset. He offered a towel.

"I was starting to worry," he said. "You were gone a long time. Did you learn anything?"

"Yes," Tallow said, swiping the towel across himself carelessly and struggling to get his still-damp legs into his trousers. "Lots of things." He looked up at the knight, who frowned at the boy's troubled expression. "I need to speak to the queen. Can you take me to her?"

"Tell me whatever it is, and I will make sure she hears it."

The boy shook his head. "I promised I would tell her myself. Can you help me do that?"

Sir Brennan paused. "Who did you make this promise to, Tallow?"

"To the dragon. I didn't go looking for him!" he added in a rush, before the captain could interrupt. "He found me. And we talked, and all of this has been a terrible mistake, and I have to talk to the queen because I promised and because I don't think anyone else can make it better. Please."

Sir Brennan rubbed a hand across his face. "I'm going to be demoted to stableboy," he muttered to himself. He stood and handed Tallow his shirt. "Get dressed. We might be able to catch her before she retires."

He escorted Tallow through the palace and into the queen's audience chamber. As they crossed that long, elegant room filled with nobles who lifted their brows and wrinkled their perfect noses at the sight of him, Tallow felt very small and scruffy, and very frightened as well.

They stood to one side as an earl gave the queen a long speech about why he thought his lands were being taxed more than his neighbor's. When he was done, the queen's advisors began arguing; half seemed to be for the earl and half against him. Queen Lilias sighed and looked out the window until they were done.

"Lord Jenner," she said when she could be heard, "while it is true that I have never seen your lands, I have more than once dined at your home here in town. And I think that if your lands were half so poor as you make them sound, that home would not be half so grand, or half so lavishly furnished.

"It was, however," she continued dryly, "a valiant attempt to defraud the royal treasury. I admire your courage."

The earl started to object, and she held up a hand to forestall him. "If you are unhappy with the profits your lands yield, I suggest you go oversee them personally. For at least a year," she said mildly.

"But, Your Majesty—" Lord Jenner began.

"I strongly suggest it," she added, not at all mildly. With a great deal of bowing and apologetic muttering, Lord Jenner left the court.

"My word," murmured Sir Brennan, sounding both surprised and approving. The queen's advisors stood there looking stunned and uncomfortable. No one else seemed to want to come forward.

"Our turn, I think," the captain whispered to Tallow, and brought him before the queen. If she was startled to be presented with a slightly damp common child, she was too well bred to show it. Sir Brennan bowed, and Tallow awkwardly imitated him.

"Your Majesty," Sir Brennan said. "This is Tallow. He works here in the palace. He is a shifter, and I asked him to go into the stream as a fish to gather information about the dragon. I had hoped to find a way to reclaim your jewel without anyone being injured," he admitted. "Tallow has learned something which he says he can only tell you."

"Then I must hear it," she agreed, and turned her emerald eyes to the boy and nodded encouragingly. "You may speak."

"Captain Sir Brennan told me not to go near the dragon," Tallow began, quaking in his shoes but determined not to get anyone except himself in trouble. "But while I was in the stream, I heard that the dragon wasn't in his cave. I snuck into it, and the dragon caught me snooping around. There's been a mistake, Your Majesty. He didn't know you had lost the jewel—he thought you dropped it into the stream for him, as a gift. He didn't understand why the knights attacked. They frightened him."

The queen looked at Sir Brennan, and Sir Brennan looked at his shoes. "My fault, I'm afraid," the queen said gently. "I sent them."

Tallow twisted his hands together in front of him. "He gave the jewel to me to bring back to you," he said, his voice hardly above a whisper. "I had it in my hand, but I left it there with him. Now I am the reason you don't have it, and I am the one you must punish for its loss. Not him." Behind him, Sir Brennan closed his eyes in chagrin and began contemplating his probable future as Faerie's oldest and most noble stableboy.

"Why did you let him keep it when he was willing to give it back?" the young queen asked curiously.

He had expected to be instantly taken away for punishment, or perhaps simply tossed out of the kingdom. Surprise make him stumble over his answer.

"I—I thought he deserved it, Your Majesty," he stammered. Her eyebrows rose, but she still seemed more curious than angry.

"And why did you think that?"

So he told her, about the wasps' nests and the trash and the tiny, sparkling fish who could not bear the winter. He spoke of lurking eels and tree limbs fallen in storms and a century of lonely work, for love of a place and a people who ignored him.

"He thought you were giving him the jewel," Tallow repeated at the end. "He did not know you had lost it. He thought you were thanking him. And I…I thought he should be thanked. So I did."

He drew a deep breath and stood up straighter, looking at Sir Brennan to remind himself to be brave. "I should not have thanked him with something that was not mine to give. I did not think of that until afterward, but I was wrong and I will take my punishment, Your Majesty."

Her advisors buzzed around her like wasps, jostling each other in their eagerness to speak, but Queen Lilias did not listen to them. She was thinking of tiny opalescent fish glimmering as they passed through a sunbeam, of clear sweet waters and a hundred years alone. She turned to her personal guard, a craggy-faced troll who spoke rarely and then said only brief and sensible things.

"Get rid of them, Mistral," she said softly. "I am sick to death of their racket. You and Sir Brennan and the boy will stay. The rest must go."

When a large, armed troll wants you to leave, you leave. The advisors and nobles protested loudly, but they went all the same. As Mistral shut the great double doors against the last of them, the queen rose from her throne and stepped down from the dais on which it stood. Tallow felt as if he should bow again when she came closer, so he did.

"If you don't mind, Your Majesty, I'd like to know what my punishment will be," he said. "The waiting is awful."

The queen smiled at him then. "How could I punish you for generosity? And indeed, I am no worse off now than I was an hour ago. Perhaps," she mused, "your kindness has even created an opportunity that was not there before. Tell me about this dragon," she said, drifting toward the windows.

"His name is Pelean, and he was very nice to me. He didn't have to be, either, since I snuck into his home to steal from him."

"The dragon has a name?" she asked, surprised.

"Of course he does. Doesn't everyone?"

She set her fingertips on the windowsill and looked out over the rolling hills of her kingdom. "Does everyone? Do I? Sometimes I forget that I was ever called anything but 'Your Majesty'," she murmured.

Sir Brennan looked at her then, startled, and for the very first time saw not a royal being who formed the epicenter of all his duty, but a real person who might wonder and doubt and struggle as he did. Tallow looked at the floor, ashamed to realize that he did not know her name.

She turned away from the window. "Do you think he might speak to you again, this Pelean?"

Tallow nodded. "Yes, I think so. Actually...he's expecting me."

"Then I will ask a favor of you, Tallow. Will you go to him tomorrow, and ask him to meet me a week from today, at the bridge where I lost the jewel? I will personally guarantee his safety, and I do not expect him to bring the jewel. I only wish to speak with him myself."

Sir Brennan frowned. "Your Majesty, the creature may be dangerous."

"Then you will stand at my right hand, and Mistral will stand at my left," Queen Lilias said, not the least bit troubled by his warning. "But if he will come I will speak with him."

© 2007 by the author. All rights reserved.

Pelean's Jewel, Part V

2007-07-12T08:03:00.000-05:00

For a moment Tallow honestly believed that his heart would burst from sheer terror.

"I...um...I..." he stammered, whirling about to face a huge shadow.

"At a loss for words?" it said. "Let me get a look at you, not-fish." It spoke another word, one Tallow had never heard before and was fairly certain he couldn't pronounce, and little lights flared to life in the water around them, illuminating the cave, its owner, and Tallow.

It was twice the size of a knight's charger, silvery white with smoke-grey eyes and very long, very sharp teeth. Long and sharp as well were the claws on its four wide, webbed feet and the barbs that ridged its whiplike tail. Tallow felt very small and tasty.

"You're a wizard," he blurted.

"All dragons are wizards. You don't think anything breathes fire naturally, do you?"

"Er, no, I guess not. Now that you mention it."

The dragon flexed its gills. "What are you, not-fish? You smell like land folk."

Tallow changed himself into a water-dragon, which helped him feel less appetizing, though he was still less than a tenth the size of the beast whose lair he had invaded. "I am land folk. My name is Tallow."

"Ah. A shape-changer. I knew one like you once, not long after I came here. She used to visit me, but she got old, as land folk will do, and in time she came no more." He sighed, then turned his attention to Tallow. "My name is Pelean."

"Pleased to meet you, Pelean," he offered politely. "You weren't born here?" He thought it was a very good idea to keep the dragon talking. It is hard to snack and talk at the same time, after all.

"Dear me, no. I was captured by land folk and brought here. I wasn't much longer than you. Just a little thing, I was."

"How old are you now?"

"Oh, somewhere around a hundred years." He swished his tail through the water. "Old by your reckoning. But I feel young. I think my kind live much longer than yours."

"You don't know how long you might live?" Now Tallow was genuinely curious.

"How would I know? I haven't seen any like me since I was a sprig. I hardly remember them. But speaking of sprigs, what brings you here?"

Tallow decided to be honest. It was the least he could do, he thought, in return for not being eaten. "I was looking for the queen's lost jewel."

Pelean grew very still. "She...lost it?".

Tallow nodded.

"Is it..." The dragon sighed. "Is it blue?" He sounded like he already knew the answer.

Tallow nodded again. "Yes. As blue as the sky."

"Oh." Pelean drooped and seemed to shrink. "I thought she had given it to me. Is that why men with swords tried to kill me? They thought I had stolen it?"

"Yes," he said, as kindly as he could. "I'm sorry. They aren't bad people. We all just...assumed..." He trailed off awkwardly.

"You assumed I was a brute like the plains dragons, or a thief like the mountain dragons? Or maybe both?" Pelean asked shrewdly.

Tallow gave a miserable nod, and the dragon's tail angrily churned the water, his voice rising with his indignation, "Well, that's very nice, isn't it? I get taken away from my family, hauled over land in a miserable little tub, dumped in this stream all alone and told to protect it. But I do it anyway.

"For a hundred years I've picked land folk's trash out of the water, killed biting eels and lizards that would be happy enough to take a nibble of you when you splash around in the summer, moved fallen trees from the stream so the land wouldn't flood, knocked wasps' nests out of the trees along the bank so you and your kind could enjoy the water in peace, and you all finally bother to notice me because of a jewel?!" he thundered, and Tallow cringed away from him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, and he meant it. "I'm so sorry."

All the anger left the dragon as quickly as it had come. He hung his head. "I thought she gave it to me to thank me. It is the color of the ocean where I was born. I thought...oh, it does not matter what I thought. She did not give it, and it is not mine."

He darted into a nook on the far side of the cave and emerged with the jewel held gently between two claws. He gave it to Tallow, who handled it carefully with his unfamiliar webbed fingers. He had never seen it before, had never gotten that close to the queen. It was so very beautiful that he suddenly understood why everyone wanted it so much.

"Take it to her," Pelean said sadly. "With my apologies for the misunderstanding."

"Why do you do all that work when no one ever pays any attention?" Tallow blurted.

"If I do not, who will?" His tail twitched restlessly. "Besides, it is only the land-folk who do not notice. The fish and frogs do. They aren't very good company, but they are grateful."

"Those little tiny fish...they said they lived here in the winters?"

"Yes. Their ancestors were washed up here from the south in a storm many years ago. They wouldn't survive the winters this far north, so they come to my cave. I keep the water warm in there for my own comfort, and they are too small to get in the way," the dragon explained dissmissively.

Tallow suspected that the eager chatter of the little fish would 'get in the way' long before the winters ended. Pelean looked at the jewel in Tallow's hand, then jerked his gaze away.

"You'd better get back with that before dark, or else you might lose it. Come," he said abruptly, and swam toward the entrance. Tallow carefully tucked the jewel into his cheek so he could swim and followed.

They emerged into the long shadows of late afternoon. Tallow watched the long ribbon of water snaking toward the palace, which looked like a little toy house from this distance. He had a long swim home.

"You said someone like me used to visit you. May I come back, sometime?" he asked.

The dragon smiled, which was rather unsettling in light of all those wickedly pointy teeth. "I should like that a great deal. The fish are friendly and affectionate, but just between us? Their conversation leaves something to be desired."

"I'll come back soon," he promised, and set off toward home. As he reached the first bend in the stream, he looked back, and saw Pelean still bobbing in the water in front of the cave. He looked at the distant royal city, the dragon, and the long stretch of water which was only the most obvious thing separating the two.

Pelean watched curiously as Tallow swam back to him and spat the jewel out into his hand. He held it out to the dragon.

"If she knew what you did, I'm sure she would have thanked you. So keep it. It can be what you thought it was." He thrust the jewel toward the dragon.

Pelean hesitated. "But she does not know that I thought it was her thanks to me."

"She will. As soon as I get back to the city, I will tell her myself."

Gingerly the dragon plucked the jewel from his hand. "If you are sure..."

"I'm sure," Tallow said, and swam away before he could change his mind. A mile downstream hegrimaced and shook his head.

"I'm sure I'm in big trouble," he groaned.

© 2007 by the author. All rights reserved.

Pelean's Jewel, Part IV

2007-07-11T07:50:00.000-05:00

Tallow left his clothes beneath a willow that grew along the stream's bank. He slipped into the water and became a fish, swimming a few lazy laps around a large, flat stone to accustom himself to fishiness before he set out upstream in search of others. He thought he was in luck when he saw a school of tiny milk-white fish no bigger than a fingertip, who glimmered with other colors when the light hit them, as opals do. They were coming toward him very quickly. Perhaps too quickly.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!" they shrieked in chorus as they flashed around him. Only when they were past could he see what pursued them—a bulge-eyed, sickly yellow eel with a row of cruel teeth lining its gaping mouth.

"Aaa!" he yelped, turning tail and swimming after the rapidly disappearing school. Spying a cluster of water lilies he dashed among them, and was relieved to see the eel glide by a second later, still pursuing its smaller prey. A few moments later he heard a great thrashing and splashing in the distance and thought rather sadly that it must have caught up with the little fishes.

Exploring among the stems while he waited for the eel to finish its meal and move on, Tallow found a catfish sheltering from the heat of the day in the shade beneath the lilies' pads. When he asked about the dragon, the catfish twitched its whiskers and burbled, "Hrrrm, yes…lives in the cave. Scares away the alligators, whenever they come up from the south to nose around. Don't like alligators, m'self. They eat catfish, y'know."

"I've never seen an alligator," Tallow remarked.

"Hrrrm, 'course y'haven't. Dragon chases 'em off, doesn't he?"

"If you say so. Have you, ah, seen the dragon lately?"

"Not for a moon or more. Hrrrm. Big stream."

"Oh. Well, thank you," Tallow said politely before swimming away. A little farther upstream he came across some frogs splashing about among the reeds. He turned himself into a frog and hopped toward them.

"Excuse me," he said, "Could any of you tell me about the dragon?"

A big old frog cocked its head at him and croaked, "What precisely did you wish to know, young sir?"

"Oh, ah…just what sort of dragon he is, you know. Friendly or not, that sort of thing?"

The frog bobbed his head. "You must be new to the area, my good frog. Saw him swimming about and gave yourself a bit of a scare, did you? He does look rather fearsome, I suppose, with those teeth and claws. But you may rest easy on that score. You are not his idea of a meal."

Tallow was feeling rather baffled. "I thought dragons were, well…vicious?"

The frog chortled. "Land dragons are, to be sure. All that fire-breathing and whatnot, eh? Nasty creatures, land dragons. Water dragons, on t'other hand, are much more civilized."

"Oh. Yes. That must be where I got confused. Er, thank you for your help," he said, and hopped off until he was out of sight and could turn back into a fish. He swam around in the shallows for a while, thinking. He had expected to find that every creature in the stream was terrified out of its wits at the mere mention of the dragon, but the catfish and the frog seemed to like the great beast. It was all very curious. He decided to swim on, and see who else he might meet.

He came around a curve in the stream and found himself in the middle of the school of little fish who, much to his surprise, did not seem any the worse for wear. He looked around quickly, but saw no sign of the eel.

When he inquired after the dragon they became very exited, swimming around him in a circle, all of them seeming to speak at once.

"Dragon? Dragon-friend? Big dragon! Eel-biter! Bird-chaser! Snow-killer!"

"The dragon...is your friend?"

"Yesyesyesyesyes!" they clamored. "Warm cave! Winter-home!"

"You live in his cave in the winter?"

"Yesyesyes!" They swam in ever-tighter circles around him, their enthusiasm churning up a bubbling wake.

"Have you seen the blue jewel he has?"

"Jewel? What is jewel?" Their circling slowed.

"Um…a smooth blue rock. Very pretty."

"Nononono. No blue rock."

"Well, what about him? Have you seen him today?" he ventured.

"OHyesyesyesyesyes! Eel-slayer! Sun high! Going south!"

Well, he thought, that explained what had happened to the eel. Tallow glanced up. The sun was still high in the sky, only now beginning to drop toward the horizon. If the dragon had left its cave heading south near midday, it might be gone for a while yet. He could just nip into the cave and have a look around for the jewel. He had only promised Sir Brennan that he wouldn't go near the dragon. If the dragon wasn't in the cave, where was the harm?

"Thank you. Thank you very much!" he said, and swam upstream as fast as he could. If he could find the jewel he would be a hero, and maybe Sir Brennan would reconsider and make him a knight after all. But even with that thought to sustain him he was exhausted by the time he had travelled the several miles to the cave entrance. There he stopped and looked around and carefully tasted the water before darting inside.

It was black inside, black as pitch, black as death. That was his first thought. But slowly his eyes relaxed and picked out a faint glow on the walls. Some sort of moss or lichen was growing there, emitting a very faint light. He made himself wait until he was sure his sight would not improve any further, then he began swimming about the cave. It was very large, larger than the vast kitchens in the palace.

If I were a dragon, where would I put a stolen jewel? he wondered as he began poking about in the nooks and crannies along the walls, and among the oddly pleasing arrangements of river stones that dotted the chamber floor.He was nosing about in a pile of reeds and lilypads which he suspected was the dragon's bed when he felt a stirring in the water.

Behind him, a deep voice rumbled, "Hello, little fish that is not a fish. What brings you to my home?"

© 2007 by the author. All rights reserved.

Pelean's Jewel, Part III

2007-07-10T08:03:00.000-05:00

"BOY!" bellowed the cook in charge of pastries, a surly ogre who could make a pie crust so light only the fruit filling kept it from floating off into the wilderness. Tallow, who had been carefully cracking eggs into a bowl, jumped and dropped the egg he had been holding. He faced the furious cook with yolk spattered over his shoes.

"Sir?" Tallow squeaked.

"Don't know what you've done, but it must be bad," the ogre rumbled. "Captain of Knights himself wants to see you. Now. His office."

"I haven't done anything!"

"Humph. Tell it to the Captain, if that's your story. Off with you, now! Don't keep him waiting!" The cook shooed Tallow out of the kitchens.

The fields where the knights honed their skills lay just behind the palace, next to the stables and a stately blue stone building where the unmarried knights made their homes in peacetime, and where all knights would live should the kingdom be at war. Just inside the front door was a small office with a large window overlooking the jousting field, and inside the office was Sir Brennan.

He sat at his desk signing orders for supplies like wooden practice swords and new saddles. Knights destroy an astonishing number of things on a daily basis as they prepare to destroy other people should the need arise, so Sir Brennan spent nearly as much time with a pen in his hand as he did with a sword. (In addition to war, illness and death, Faerie also suffers the curse of paperwork. They do not, however, have celebrities or fast food, and are much happier for it.) When the kitchen-boy appeared in the doorway, he was glad to set down the pen and put the papers aside for a while.

"Sir Brennan, Captain, sir," Tallow babbled. "You wanted to see me? Has something happened? I didn't do anything, I swear!"

"I didn't think you had," the captain replied. He smiled reassuringly and beckoned the boy forward. "Come in, come in. You are not in any trouble."

Tallow inched forward and Sir Brennan stood, striding around the boy to shut the door. He turned and looked down at Tallow, who craned his neck to look up at the captain.

Nobles are tall, as a rule—tall and slender, supple and unbreakable as reeds. They have fine, even features, pointed ears, pleasing voices and eyes like gemstones in the moonlight. If you were to meet them, you would probably call them elves. I would advise you not to do so aloud, however. They would be insulted and might turn you into something slimy and unpleasant. In Faerie they are called nobles, or fair folk, and that is all.

Sir Brennan was tall, even for a noble. His hair was the color of ripe wheat, his face browned by the sun. His eyes were the color of garnets, his hands scarred from a thousand small training injuries. He was one of the younger knights, but he was captain because the queen believed—and she was not alone in this—that he was the bravest of them all. Tallow believed it, too. He had been a tiny child when it all happened, but the story was already legend in Sanmeara.

Sir Brennan was only seventeen that summer. He had been a knight for less than a year when the king and queen returned from a diplomatic visit to a neighboring kingdom, bringing with them the Captain of Knights, four other knights, and, though they did not yet know it, the fever that would kill them.

One of the knights was the first to fall ill, then another, then the king, the captain, the queen and finally the other two knights. Two servants who tended the royal couple became sick within days, as did the royal physician. The king ordered himself and all the others who were ill to be removed from the palace, to prevent the fever from spreading farther. It was the last order he would ever give; he died hours after being moved.

One of the knights died the next day, followed by both the royal physician and a servant in the night. The physicians and healers who had been caring for the sick fled in fear of their own lives. One of the two knights guarding the doors to the sick-house helped the doctors leave and slipped away himself when no one was looking.

There are as many kinds of bravery as there are kinds of honor, or duty, or love. It is one thing to face an enemy with a sword, another to face an enemy hanging invisible in the very air you breathe.

Standing guard at the front, unaware of the exodus which had taken place through the back door, young Sir Brennan did not at first respond to the cries for water that reached his ears through the open windows. The healers would take care of them, he thought. But the pleas continued and, his suspicions raised, he entered that house of illness and death to find no one but the sick.

The physicians and healers would not return, and no others could be persuaded to take their places. New guards were found for the doors, but only Sir Brennan was willing to enter the house. For the next week he tended the sick as best he could, giving them water and broth and putting cold cloths on their heated brows. The Captain of Knights died, as did one of his remaining men.

One of the healers who had fled was brought back after contracting the fever. He lived, as did the only other knight and the servant. The queen closed her eyes late one afternoon and never opened them again. She had asked him to make sure her daughter received the jewel if she should die, so Sir Brennan personally took it from about her neck and put it in a kettle of boiling water for an hour before having it sent back to the palace for the little princess.

When it became clear that the danger had passed, he left the sick-house expecting to be hated for having allowed the queen to die. Instead, he was surprised to find himself hailed as a hero.

Lilias was only ten and had been queen for less than a week when she rewarded his bravery by making him Captain of Knights. In the five years since, she had never had cause to regret it. Most days, he did not regret it, either. He hoped he would not come to regret this day.

He lowered himself into a crouch so the poor child wouldn't snap his neck from bending it back so far. "Tallow, isn't it? I have seen you at our drills."

"I keep out of the way, Captain, sir," Tallow defended himself.

"Yes, you do. But I thought that if you enjoy watching us so much, maybe you would be willing to help us? We need a shifter to do something that none of us can."

"Anything, sir!" His eyes were as wide as saucers.

Sir Brennan laughed. "Always know what you are being asked before you agree. That is something a knight told me when I was only a squire." He glanced out the window, toward the palace. "You have heard about the queen's lost jewel, I assume?"

"Yes, Captain, sir. The water-dragon took it, and now it's hiding in a cave because it's afraid of you."

"Hmm. I wonder if it is. There are many things I wonder about that dragon, Tallow, but I can't find out for myself."

"Why not?" Tallow wondered, amazed that brave Sir Brennan might find anything impossible.

"Because I cannot talk to the other creatures that live in the stream, and ask them about the dragon," Sir Brennan confided.

"But I can!" Tallow exclaimed.

"Yes, you can. Would you be willing to help me? I only want you to find out about the dragon—what its habits are, whether it is afraid of anything, maybe even where it keeps the jewel."

"If I find out where the jewel is, maybe I can go there as a fish and steal it back!"

"No!" Sir Brennan said sharply, and the boy jumped. He forced himself to speak more kindly. "I need information, in order to discover how best to handle this dragon. I do not want anyone, not you, not me, not my men, going anywhere near that creature until we understand it better."

Always in his thoughts was the queen's desire that no one be hurt in seeking her jewel. That was why she had called off the search, but Sir Brennan still hoped to find a way to get it back.

Tallow thought about that. "That makes sense. I guess I was just hoping for something more exciting than talking to fish," he confessed.

"I will tell you a secret." He leaned forward and dropped his voice to a whisper. "Most of the time, beign a knight is just doing drills and polishing your armor. Talking to fish sounds pretty interesting to me."

"Can you let me be a knight?" Tallow asked. "You're the Captain, can't you just say it's so?"

Sir Brennan shook his head. "No. I'm sorry, but you are not one of us. There are many common folk in the army," he offered, "and even a few in the palace guard. If it's a military career you have in mind, I can help you into either of those."

"I'm not sure what I want to do if I can't be a knight," he admitted. "But I know I don't want to work in the kitchens."

"Help me now, and you will not have to go back. We can put you to work in the stables while you decide what you want to do," Sir Brennan offered.

Tallow smiled. "Deal."

© 2007 by the author. All rights reserved.

Pelean's Jewel, Part II

2007-07-09T08:03:00.000-05:00

Her advisors were all talking at once, as they often did, trying to reassure her that she would have her jewel by nightfall, or possibly the next morning, at the very latest. Queen Lilias did not seem very reassured, which only made them talk louder and faster, competing with each other to be the one to say just the right thing that would make her smile again.

"Oh, do be quiet for once, all of you!" she said after several moments of this, and the tone of her voice was unkind. They did all stop talking, for she had never spoken to them like that before. They stopped talking and they stared at her as if she had grown another head.

Lilias knew she had been impolite, and she knew she should be sorry for it, but she was not. She had lost the most precious thing her mother had left her, and all she wanted was a bit of silence in which to be sad for it. (It would probably also be fair to say that the rude way in which her advisors treated each other was a bad influence on her.)

"Leave me," she said. "I do not wish to be disturbed until my knights return."

"But, Your Majesty—" one of the advisors began.

"Leave," she insisted, and they left.

Lilias pulled a large and comfortable chair over to her chamber window and curled up in it, watching the gate for her knights' return. It was many hours before they came, trotting into the torch-lit courtyard with their heads bowed in defeat. Slowly she stood and left her chambers.

She met them in the throne room. They set up a great clatter in their armor, dropping to kneel before her as she walked to her throne. Once she was seated, the captain of the knights stood and came forward.

"You did not find it, Sir Brennan," she said softly as he approached.

"No, Your Majesty," he said. "We found the dragon quickly, but when we attacked it swam into the middle of the stream, where the water was too deep for our horses to go. It swam toward the mountain, and we followed on the bank, but the stream is very deep so close to its source, and the dragon never strayed into the shallows where we might have fought it. It disappeared into the mountain itself.

"I took off my armor and followed. Soon I found myself in a great underwater cave. I could not hold my breath long enough to explore even the hundredth part of it, Your Majesty. And had I found the dragon, I would not have been able to fight it, weighed down with water as I was. I have left five good men there to watch the entrance to the cave from the safety of the shore, and to follow the dragon if it should emerge. The rest I brought back here to receive your command," he concluded, and knelt once more.

Queen Lilias sat back in her throne, her fingers curled around the gilded knobs at the ends of its arms, looking thoughtful. An advisor opened his mouth to speak, but she glanced at him with a warning clear in the royal eyes and he thought better of it. He shut his mouth and shuffled his feet awkwardly. A rare, complete silence fell over her court.

Minutes passed before she spoke. "It is only a thing," she said as if she didn't really believe it, but felt she ought. "It is not worth risking lives over. Bring your knights home, Sir Brennan. The jewel is lost. I have others."

"But none so fine, Your Majesty," Sir Brennan said gently. "Nor so full of memories. We would seek it for you, gladly."

She tried to smile at him, but could not quite manage it. "I know you would. But I say you shall not."

"As Your Majesty wishes."

"Little this day has been as I would wish," she murmured to herself, so softly that only Sir Brennan heard. He closed his eyes for a moment, ashamed to have failed.

The young queen stood and faced her knights. "Thank you for your service," she said graciously. "Good night."

With that, she left her court abruptly, hurrying to the privacy of her own chambers and dismissing her maids the instant she set foot through the doorway. Her mother had once told her that a queen must never be seen to cry in front of her subjects, not even the servants. She flung herself onto the high bed, weeping into the silk coverlet until sleep stole her away.

Sir Brennan dispatched a rider to summon the five home from the mouth of the stream, and saw to it that his knights were well-fed and their horses cared for. Then he climbed the five hundred stairs to the top of the highest tower and looked out over the kingdom he was sworn to protect. It was late at night by then, and Sanmeara slept, her rolling hills which were so smooth and pleasing to the eye in the daytime had become strange lumps in the darkness, broken only by the occasional candle in a cottage window and the will-o-the-wisps dancing on the moors to the west.

He stood atop the tower and leaned his forearms on the low wall and thought. He thought of the dragon, the jewel, the young queen and the kingdom. One by one he made plans to recover the jewel, and one by one he discarded them as impractical or unlikely. He thought until dawn sent its bright tendrils creeping along the edge of the world, and he thought as he descended the long flights of stairs on legs stiff from standing through the night.

He thought as he ate his breakfast. He thought during early morning swordfighting exercises, midmorning jousting practice, and late morning tracking drills. Once, he thought he had a solution that would work, until he realized that he had no way of keeping a frost giant properly chilled all the way from the mountains of Kethelor and back again.

He thought through lunch, and during early afternoon quarterstaff sparring he thought so hard he nearly gave the little kitchen-boy, who always sat on the fence to watch them during his own lunchtime, a whack on the skull by accident. He thought while he exercised his horse in midafternoon, while he polished his armor before dinner, and while he sharpened his sword after dinner. (He took a break from thinking during dinner because they were served roast chard with scallions in bergamot sauce and really, who can focus on anything but their own immediate survival when Cook is feeling experimental?)

He thought as he crawled, exhausted, into his bed and fell almost instantly asleep. He must have been thinking in his sleep, too, for when he woke up in the morning he knew why he hadn't been able to find a solution, and what was required to change that.

© 2007 by the author. All rights reserved.

Pelean's Jewel, Part I

2007-07-08T08:50:00.000-05:00

for Conan, Jakob, Corbin, Shaun, Kallan and Dashiell

The faerie queen's amethyst castle stood in the curve of a stream which was clear and sweet and which burbled over the smooth and luminous rocks of its bed in the most charming manner. This stream was home to all sorts of marvelous fish and water flowers and dragonflies and the occasional enchanted frog. It flowed from deep underneath the great grey snow-capped mountain behind the palace, so its waters were deliciously cool in summer and delightfully warm in winter.

(Yes, there is winter in Faerie, but the snow is not white. It is very faintly green, like the ghost of a new spring leaf, and it is always just heavy enough to make perfect snowballs.)

The queen's name was Lilias, but no one called her by it. They addressed her as "Your Majesty", and referred to her as "Her Majesty" or simply "the Queen". She was very young, hardly more than a child, and was only just beginning to realize that it is a difficult thing to have a perfectly good name and never hear it used. Should we use it to tell this story, do you think? It is a very pretty name. I think we should.

Queen Lilias had hair as black as midnight and eyes as green and bright as emeralds. She was still growing and could at times be awkward, yet she had an inborn grace that would serve her well when she was older. When she laughed (which did not happen as often as it ought) it sounded like little crystal bells rolling against each other.

Her kingdom was neither large nor small. Its greatest claim to fame was a sort of general prosperity which ensured that even the lowliest peasant had plenty of food and good sturdy clothes and regular holidays. The land was at peace and the people content. Her subjects were pleased with her, though to say they loved her would not be strictly true. They did not know her; queens and subjects do not mix in the normal course of things.

She was rarely alone, even for a moment. She had dukes and duchesses, earls and countesses, barons and ladies competing for her attention and her favor. She had brave knights who must be allowed to look upon her from time to time, that they might know for whom they could be asked to risk their lives. She had wise and learned advisors who filled her head with conflicting advice, each according to his own particular interests and beliefs.

If that were not enough, the palace was filled with servants, privileged members of the common races of faerie who were fortunate enough to live and work so close to the nobles. Most of those servants considered it part of their duty to protect their monarch from any unpleasantness, be it a smudged spoon or a persistent petitioner. An ordinary person had a better chance of dancing on the moon than of speaking with the queen.

One of the palace servants was a boy named Tallow. He was a kitchen-boy; he scrubbed pots and peeled potatoes and generally made himself useful to the small army of palace cooks. If he worked hard and paid attention, he could look forward to being a cook himself in ten or twenty years.

Tallow was seven years old, sturdy and restless, with walnut-colored hair that would stand on end no matter how carefully he brushed it. He was a shifter, a faerie who could turn into any animal he pleased. Some very gifted shifters could even turn into plants or insects, but he had not gotten the hang of that at all.

He wanted, rather desperately, to be a knight when he grew up. The problem was, knights were always nobles, and shifters are not nobles. He spent many an hour up to his elbows in suds, scouring pans and trying to think of a way around that particular rule, but so far he hadn't hit upon a solution. If he could not be a knight he definitely, most assuredly, wanted to be something more interesting than a kitchen-boy or a cook.

But let us leave Tallow there for a moment, in the great sprawling kitchens with his pots and potatoes, and return to Queen Lilias.

On the day she was born, not so very many years before our tale begins, the sun shone brightly over the kingdom, which by the way is called Sanmeara. When the sun shines that brightly in Faerie, the sky is the bluest blue that could ever be, and when Lilias was born a wizard used his magic to trap a bit of that astonishing blue inside a smooth round jewel the size of a plump cherry. He gave the jewel to the queen, Lilias's mother, and a few years later when the king and queen died, the jewel and the crown both came to Lilias.

Oh, did you think there was no sickness or death in Faerie? I am sorry to say that there is. It is not quite so extraordinary a place as to have escaped those troubles.

By the time Lilias received it, the jewel had been set into a necklace. The young queen wore it often, for it reminded her of her mother and of course it was very beautiful in its own right. One day—and this is where our story truly begins—she was taking a stroll outside the palace with several of her advisors. While they argued among themselves over some fine point of inter-kingdom relations which Lilias did not find at all interesting, she thought her own thoughts and, as she often did, stroked the jewel hanging on its delicate chain about her neck.

They were crossing a bridge over the stream when the jewel suddenly moved under her finger. Fearing it was coming out of its setting, she stopped there at the crest of the bridge and held it up to see if it really was loose. She nudged it ever so lightly with a fingertip.

That last careful touch, alas, is what knocked it free. It tumbled out of its setting, bounced once upon the railing, and dropped into the water with a tiny splash.

"Oh!" Queen Lilias cried when this happened. A second later she said it again as a sleek, silvery shape darted out from underneath the bridge, scooped the jewel up in its mouth, lifted its barbed and gleaming tail out of the water and wiggled it in a manner that looked very much like a cheerful wave. Having done so it swam away, quick as you please.

"What was that?" she exclaimed.

"It was the water dragon, Your Majesty," one of the advisors said. "It has lived in the stream as long as anyone can remember."

"That water dragon has my jewel! We must get it back!"

"It shall be done, Your Majesty," another advisor said, shoving the first aside.

The first advisor shoved back. "Do not give it another thought, my queen. You shall have your jewel again before you know it."

Soon after, the knights in their gold and silver armor mounted their horses and thundered through the palace courtyard in pursuit of the dragon. The queen stood on a balcony and watched them go until all she could see was a little cloud of dust following the stream northward as it disappeared into the hills at the foot of the mountain.

© 2007 by the author. All rights reserved.

Bats Afire

2007-07-07T09:17:00.000-05:00

Minnesota 32, Chicago 14

That, ladies, gentlemen and Yankee fans, is not a Vikings/Bears score. It is the cumulative score of yesterdays' not-so-split doubleheader between the Twins and the Whine Sox.

In game 1, Scott Baker gave up seven runs in five innings, but added a shiny new "W" to his record because Chicago's Jon Garland, being the competetive sort, had to one-up him by allowing 12 in 3 1/3. The Chicago bullpen got in on the fun by coughing up 8 more, with the Twins bullpen close behind at 7.

Is it any wonder the game lasted 3 hours and 42 minutes?

In the game, the two teams combined for 5 homers, nine doubles, and a triple. The Twins chalked up 21 hits and 1 error, the Whine Sox 18 hits and 5 errors. (Wow, is that a record? Actually, no, but Chicago does own the record, along with Detroit: 12. Detroit committed 12 in a game against Chicago in 1901, and Chicago returned the favor against Detroit in 1903.)

Game 1 homer roll call:
3rd: Hunter, MIN, solo
4th: Kubel, MIN, grand slam
5th: Konerko, CWS, two-run
7th: Fields, CWS, solo
8th: Thome, CWS, solo

In the second game, Ron Gardenhire's worst nightmare came true--the starting catcher (Mr. Redmond) was injured after being hit in the head with a bat on the backswing, in the first inning no less. Meanwhile the backup (Mr. Mauer) was DHing, and there was no third catcher on the roster, thus creating the necessity for the pitcher (Mr. Garza, making his first start of the season) to bat for the remainder of the game. Garza was, you may be interested to know, the first pitcher to bat in an AL game since 1989. Despite not having batted in a game since high school, Garza laid down a sacrifice bunt in one of his three plate appearances.

Contrary to Gardy's expectations, the world did not end, the sky did not fall, and the Twins did not lose. (Although Redmond did need some stitches.) Indeed, with their pitchers batting the Twins romped to a 12-0 win.

Adding to the abundance of joy, Justin "Boom Boom Stick" Morneau hit three homers in game 2, the first time a Twin has done that since TBL was but a mewling infant. (Stop calculating TBL's age, that's rude.) The first of those homers was career longball #100 for everyone's favorite first baseman, and the game marked Gardenhire's 500th win as a major league manager.

(Also, props to MLB.com for using "thrice" in a headline. Literacy is a wonderful thing.)

Game 2 homer roll call:
1st: Morneau, MIN, three-run
3rd: Morneau, MIN, solo
Hunter, MIN, solo
7th: Morneau, MIN, two-run

Today, "You Can't Handle The" Boof Bonser goes up against Mark Buehrle at 2:55. TBL will miss most of the game on account of attending a wedding. (Stupid love, interfering with the important things.)

And finally, TBL will be running a special weeklong non-baseball event here on Third Base Line starting tomorrow.

BOOM

2007-07-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

This is for all of you trapped at work with no radio.

If there's one team TBL hates nearly as much as the Bankees (and there is) it's the Whine Sox. Which is why it gives TBL great pleasure to announce that in the top of the fourth in Chicago, just minutes ago, Jon Garland intentionally walked Torii "GIDP" Hunter to load the bases and get to Jason Kubel.

Kubel went yard.

Twins 12, Whiners 4.

So far.

Update, 4:55 pm: After an epic three hours and 40 minutes, the game ended at Twins 20, Whiners 14.

Good grief. Maybe the Twins should play the football season instead of the Vikings.

Twins 6, Satan 2

2007-07-05T11:15:00.000-05:00

Unless this is one of your first reads here at Third Base Line, you are aware that TBL thinks the world would be a much better place if a flying saucer swept up the Yankees for a bit of festive probing and accidentally deposited them on a planet with an inhospitable atmosphere afterwards. (If they could grab the Executive Branch while they're down here, that would be keen. But TBL digresses.)

So if there's one thing better than beating the Yankees, it's beating the Yankees at Yankee Stadium, where every freakin' call goes their way. Suffice it to say that TBL firmly believes that the player salaries aren't the only big bucks Georgie-Porgie is flinging about. Beating them courtesy of home runs by a guy with no knees and a utility infielder who has only a passing acquaintance with the Mendoza line is particularly sweet.

For those of you who missed Monday's game, while the Bankees were up by several runs a certain Bankee whose name rhymes with PayRod shoved Justin Morneau (who only days before had been coughing up blood after a collision at the plate) in the back as he fielded a throw, knocking Justin onto his keister at great risk of re-injuring him and getting the safe call for himself. Mr. Sportsmanship then proceeded to wail about a tweaked hammy and get himself escorted off the field to the sounds of solemn applause. (Only if you have a very, VERY strong stomach should you read this.)

TBL regrets to report that one of her cats still has not come out from under the bed after the swearing and throwing of objects which this dastardly display engendered. On the other hand, TBL is extremely pleased to report that Justin is fine (no thanks to He Who Shall One Day Reap What He Has Sown), and that CyTana shut the jackass down yesterday.

Also, Pat Neshek struck out the Smirking Bastard (Bankee shortstop), which was both hilarious and deeply satisfying. Did you see the look on his face? Eat your heart out, MasterCard--THAT was priceless!

This afternoon, Kevin Slowey faces Kei Igawa as the Twins go for the split. TBL is not normally the praying type, but Young Master Slowey will be receiving whatever sort of holy vibes she can muster.

Do Not Disturb

2007-07-01T15:08:00.001-05:00

Well. It appears TBL was overly optimistic last week in declaring that the insane busy-ness was nearing an end. It has merely changed flavor.

Some of you are already aware that TBL has been known to write things that do not get posted to this blog, and also that she hopes to someday reclaim her soul from her corporate masters and write for a living. So when the Muse says, "Yoo hoo! Over here!", TBL drops everything that does not help her pay rent. Yes, dear readers, even the baseball. ("Inattentive" would be a kind description of her game-watching habits of late.)

Regular blogging will resume when it resumes. One presumes it won't be too terribly long, for the Muse, she is fickle and drives TBL bonkers.

If you are interested, the project of the moment is a short story tentatively titled "Pelean's Jewel", and it is going just swimmingly. It is about an old dragon, a young queen, a knight, a kitchen-boy, and a lost jewel.

A Note Dropped in Passing

2007-06-21T20:11:00.000-05:00

*pant, pant*

Egads, but TBL has been busy lately. Too busy to watch the Mets series, even! And you all know what it takes to tear TBL away from the baseball. But they won, yes? The series? Justin hit at least one homer? And Johan was en fuego? Well. TBL knows all she needs to know.

Ironically, the only evening TBL has had free lately is the one with no baseball. To wit, right now. But soon (after just another day or two of the insane busy-ness), back to the semi-regular blogging.

TBL will most certainly not, under any circumstances which do not involve Colin Firth and a tub of chocolate sauce, be missing Sunday's battle between Santana and Willis.

Twins @ Marlins
Probables:

06/22, 6:05:
Boof Bonser, RHP (5-3, 4.33)vs. Scott Olsen, LHP (5-6, 4.89)

Notes: In his last start, Boof showed signs of regaining the control that has eluded him lately. He really needs to build on that.

06/23, 6:05:
Carlos Silva, RHP (4-8, 4.20) vs. Josh Johnson, RHP (0-1, 9.82)

Notes: Silva needs run support. I mean, seriously, guys--give the poor man some run support!

06/24, 12:05:
Johan Santana, LHP (7-6, 2.91) vs. Dontrelle Willis, LHP (7-6, 4.90)

Notes: TBL will not be answering the phone during this one. No way.

Things You Might Not Know

2007-06-15T15:01:00.000-05:00

Wow. What a comeback! You knew a game that pitted Johan Santana against Tim Hudson was going to get exciting, but going into the bottom of the ninth on the wrong side of a 2-0 shutout and winning with a smattering of seeing-eye hits and some timely help from the opposition's fielding isn't, perhaps, quite what we were expecting. But it was wonderful.

Last night's game is exactly why one should never leave before the last out. At least, not without a better reason than "they won't win this one". To all those folks who sighed, shook their heads, and trudged out in the eighth, TBL would just like to say: Ha! You missed it! Neener!

And now, a few things you might not know:

The Twins were 0-27 when trailing after 8 innings, before last night.

Before Luis Castillo hit the liner down the third base line that started the rally, he told Torii Hunter that he was going to make the Braves pay for playing him off the line.

The Twins have given Johan Santana run support to the tune of 3 runs or fewer in 10 of his 14 starts this season. He is reportedly getting frustrated with this state of affairs. (Gee, you think?)

Since April 21st, Pat Neshek has pitched 25 innings and given up one run.

Probables - Milwaukee @ Minnesota

6/15, 7:10:
Claudio Vargas, RHP (4-1, 3.94) vs. Scott Baker, RHP (1-1, 6.45)

Notes: Vargas was knocked out after four innings when he faced the Twins in May, while Baker is trying to cement his shaky position in the Twins rotation.

6/16, 6:10:
Dave Bush, RHP (3-6, 5.70) vs. Boof Bonser, RHP (5-2, 4.21)

Notes: Bush hasn't recorded a win since early May and has never in his career won against the Twins. Bonser will be looking to build on a decent start last week against the Nationals, as well as to extend his time on the mound. He has finished the sixth inning in only five of his thirteen starts.

6/17, 1:10:
Jeff Suppan, RHP (7-7, 4.04) vs. Kevin Slowey, RHP (2-0, 3.71)

Notes: Suppan can't seem to buy a win lately, whether he pitches well or not. Slowey was very good in his last start and will be facing the Brewers for the first time.

That's One Proud Papa

2007-06-14T09:25:00.000-05:00

Now that's what I call rebounding from a bad start:

Date	Result	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	SO	ERA	WHIP
6/8	L	3.0	9	7	7	0	2	1	21.00	3.67
6/13	W	9.0	8	0	0	0	0	2	0.00	0.89

Carlos Silva, for the birth of your first child, your complete-game shutout (the Twins' first since 2005, and also their first complete game of the season), inducing three double plays, and hustling everyone out of the ballpark in 2 hours and 10 minutes, we salute you.

If this is what sleep deprivation does for you, Carlos, TBL can only hope your new pride and joy will be extremely colicky. Until he's ten.

TBL would also like to give a shout out to Justin Morneau for his 18th homer of the season. (On pace for 46! Whoop!)

On deck: Hudson v. Santana. TBL is feeling distinctly weak at the knees...

Correspondence

2007-06-13T08:54:00.000-05:00

Open Letters To...

The Guy Sitting Immediately to TBL's Right Tuesday Evening

Dear Sir,

Yesterday evening, as we watched the Twins/Braves game in close proximity, TBL noticed that you appeared to be laboring under a few misapprehensions. In the spirit of comradeship among fans, allow TBL to clear those up for you.

1. Your seat stops at the armrest. Placing your large, sweaty arm up and over the armrest put it in TBL's seat. Which was occupied by TBL. Who did not, in fact, enjoy having your large, sweaty arm pressed against her ribs.

2. Alfonso Soriano does not wear #42. Additionally, he has not been a Yankee for a number of years.

3. Being unable to gracefully handle the consumption of vast quantities of weak beer is not, as you seem to think, an admirable character trait.

4. In your attempts to impress all within earshot of your distressingly loud voice with your erudition, you ably demonstrated that your knowledge of baseball is slightly inferior to that of the average 8-year-old TBL encounters in the stands. (Additionally, the majority of said eight-year-olds are considerably better-behaved.)

5. There are cities in which it is considered acceptable for hometown fans to fling profanity and insults at hometown players. This is not one of them. TBL respectfully suggests you might be happier if you relocated. (TBL did find it highly amusing that the primary targets of your invective, Messrs. Bartlett and Punto, were both 2-for-4 on the night.)

6. "Johnson" is not an inherently funny surname.

TBL hopes you will use her well-meaning advice to improve your baseball experience, and that of dozens of hapless fans around you, in future.

Helpfully,

TBL

Her Beloved Readers (Yes, YOU)

Dear Readers,

Someday TBL is going to snap. If you should ever happen to glance over near first base and see a small redhaired person beating some guy (it's always a guy, usually between 30 and 50, often poorly-groomed) about the head with a scorebook, please come to the Hennepin County Jail with bail money.

Foresightedly,

TBL

~~Young Brad Radke~~ Kevin Slowey

Dear Kevin,

That was lovely. Thank you.

Appreciatively,

TBL

Michael Cuddyer

Dear Michael,

All is forgiven*. You're doing a wonderful job out there.

Conciliatingly,

TBL

* Offer valid only while playing the outfield. All forgiveness immediately void upon a return to third base in a defensive capacity.

Lew Ford and Jason Bartlett

Dear Darling Boys,

It did TBL's heart good to see you both out there wearing your socks the right way. Unfortunately, TBL did not have her camera last night. Tall socks again Thursday, please? For me?

Sartorially,

TBL

There Went That Theory...

2007-06-12T08:47:00.000-05:00

Who forgot to tell the Twins that the Nationals suck?

Twins 5, Nationals 8
Twins 1, Nationals 3
Twins 6, Nationals 3

The Baby Jesus has returned! And in his first series, he went 1-for-9!

So, yeah...not so much with the saving of the team there, Joe. Not that TBL blames you--there is rust to be shaken off, naturally--but she got pretty tired of hearing about how the winning would commence the instant you returned. Glad to put that theory to bed.

Hunter continued to hit like he's in a contract year (which, funnily enough, he is) and Bartlett and Punto, both of whom have struggled mightily to start the season, did quite well. In more limited action, Ford and Redmond smacked the ball around nicely, and of course Morneau hit a homer. Is it even an official series if Morneau doesn't hit a homer? TBL believes it is not.

The rest of the hitters, however, kind of stunk.

The pitching staff, on the other hand, was brilliant. Except for Carlos Silva, who had a really bad day. Seven earned runs in three innings. TBL recommends Tullamore Dew after an outing like that.

Bonser tossed five innings for three runs (neither great nor terrible) for a win, while Santana lost with two earned runs in seven innings. Alas, poor Johan...

The only relief pitcher to give up a run over the weekend was Ramon Ortiz, and since that run scored as he pitched six innings in relief of Silva, TBL is inclined to call that a superb effort.

What is it with this team and the hitting this year? They've got seven guys who hit over .290 last year, four of them over .300. You want OPS? Six guys who were over the league average of .768 last season are still with the team this year. Two thirty-plus home run hitters. The AL MVP and batting champ, fercryinoutloud.

And right at this very moment we've got four regular players hitting over .300, and four with an OPS over .768. That's almost half the starting lineup! Why, praytell, are runs not being scored? Digging in...

	Team		League
Situation	Avg	OPS	Avg	OPS
Bases empty	.263	.700	.260	.736
Runners on	.278	.763	.275	.779
RISP	.266	.731	.272	.776

Well, now, that doesn't look too bad. Except...check out the OPS. The Twins are way behind in every category, especially runners in scoring position. All those infield singles are fun to watch, but they don't score the runner from second, now do they?

Probables - Atlanta @ Minnesota

6/12, 7:10:
Kyle Davies, RHP (3-4, 5.31) vs. Kevin Slowey, RHP (1-0, 4.09)

Notes: Davies is wildly inconsistent and Slowey is making his third major league appearance. This could get interesting.

6/13, 7:10:
Chuck James, LHP (5-5, 3.66) vs. Carlos Silva, RHP (3-7, 4.58)

Notes: Both pitchers have been very good this year overall. Silva is coming off his worst outing of the season and would like to whitewash over it with an excellent performance in front of the home crowd.

6/14, 7:10:
Tim Hudson, RHP (6-4, 3.51) vs. Johan Santana, LHP (6-6, 3.24)

Notes: Hudson versus Santana. It's enough to give an honest fan heart palpitations. You don't get to see a matchup like this every day.

Half and Half

2007-06-07T10:38:00.000-05:00

After dropping behind 4-0, the Twins surged back to claim the final game against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California of USA of North America of Western Hemisphere of Earth of Milky Way Galaxy 8-5.

Incidentally, exciting as come-from-behind wins are, TBL would like to see the occasional get-a-lead-early-and-keep-it win. Tomorrow would be a good time to start.

Kevin Slowey got his first major league win, Nick Punto and Jason Bartlett got their first homers of 2007, Luis Castillo made his first error in 143 games, and the Twins got back to .500.

There have been seasons when a .500 record seemed like an impossible dream (TBL directs your attention to 1993-2000), and seasons when it seemed like a failure. This season, it just seems normal. The Twins keep tap-dancing around .500, forever hinting at an extended burst of fabulousness just over the horizon. The far, far horizon.

.500 is an unsatisfying place to be. Neither good nor bad, without reason for either rapture or despair. It is baseball's equivalent of Limbo. It is boring. It is unrewarding. Finish the season at .500, and you get neither postseason play, nor a high draft slot.

Is it better than sucking? TBL is unsure. Great lessons may be learned from spectacular failure. Mediocrity makes less of an impression on the psyche. Perhaps that's why it's been so hard to break free of .500, particularly in an upward direction. Inertia meets gravity. What the Twins need now is some escape velocity. For that, they need some fuel (a few good games?) and a spark (the return of Baby Jesus?). And somebody get those boys some Dramamine next time, so they don't keep puking all over the place at the first sign of upward movement.

Speaking of halfway points, happy birthday to BatGirl (yesterday) and to TBL (tomorrow). For the curious, BG is the elder. By two days.

Probables - Washington @ Minnesota

6/8, 7:10:
Jason Simontacchi, RHP (2-4, 5.61) vs. Carlos Silva, RHP (3-6, 3.86)

Notes: Both pitchers pitched well in their last start. After a very rocky spring (not to mention 2006), Silva has been solid for the Twins.

6/9, 6:10:
Levale Speigner, RHP (1-2, 9.10) vs. Johan Santana, LHP (6-5, 3.30)

Notes: The Twins drafted Speigner, brought him all the way up to AAA, and lost him in the Rule 5 draft this offseason. Speigner has struggled (as do most Rule 5 draftees) but the Nats seem committed to him. Meanwhile, Santana has been merely great (as opposed to godlike) of late, and it's getting a bit old.

6/10, 1:10:
Mike Bacsik, LHP (1-2, 4.13) vs. Boof Bonser, RHP (4-2, 4.12)

Notes: These are two pretty good pitchers who struggled in their last starts. Both will be looking to get back on track in the Dome on Sunday.

This Headlong, Screaming Slide of Doom

2007-06-06T10:10:00.000-05:00

And just like that: back to the sucking.

Sigh.

TBL is not amused. And while TBL recognizes that good pitching will sink good hitting nearly every time, and also that the Angels have good pitching, this is ridiculous. It's one thing to get beaten by good pitching 3-4, or 1-3. 3-16 and 1-5, on the other hand, is what we like to call "getting one's ass kicked". To lose a good game of baseball is one of those things which happens. The educated fan takes solace in the skill and effort displayed and says, next time the hits will fall our way. To give away a game, as opposed to losing it honestly, is just infuriating.

The Twins won their last four series in May. So far in June, they've lost two. They are sporting a 5.79 June ERA and a batting average of .199. (If you guessed that the hitting is last in the ML by a long way, you guessed correctly.) Nine runs scored in five games, friends and neighbors, while the pitching has coughed up 28. For the math-impaired, that's a run differential of 3.8 per game. Also, an OPS of .541! If that doesn't mean anything to you, don't look it up. Ignorance really is bliss, in this case.

That stinks. If the gravity of the situation has not penetrated yet, let me add that lately we're worse than the Royals.

TBL is aware that a number of people are blaming this slide on Joe Mauer's trip to the DL. Our missing catcher is certainly a good hitter, and the hitting has been sorely lacking at times. However, TBL feels obliged to point out that the whole wonderful four-series period of not sucking which occurred immediately prior to this west coast fiasco also took place entirely in the absence of the Baby Jesus. Ergo, the Twins are capable of winning without him. They just haven't been lately.

So now we find ourselves in the untenable position of asking a guy who is about to make his second major-league appearance to pitch us out of this headlong, screaming slide of doom, and to do so without any real hope of run support. (Hey, whaddaya know--he really IS the second coming of Radke!) The cherry on Slowey's sundae is an injury-decimated bullpen responsible for any innings he can't cover.

The fun starts at 2:35 Central. TBL is DVRing the game to watch after work. The entrepreneurs among you might wish to place cash bets as to whether or not TBL will be able to refrain from checking the score.

You Have 1 New Message(s)

2007-06-05T08:29:00.000-05:00

Confession time: I'm a bit of a text messaging addict. So, since I have the plan that allows for approximately one bajillion messages a month, I signed up for this service a few seasons ago that sends the score and winning and losing pitchers to my phone right after every game.

Last night's game being a late one, and life in the little grey box o' gloom being rather more bearable when one is not mostly asleep, I retired for the night after the fifth, with the Twins trailing 3-1. When morning came, I leapt (read: staggered, bitching and moaning) out of bed and immediately pounced upon (groped blearily for) the phone, which informed me that I had one new text message. I read this message and made a sound which I suspect was rather like "eep!". Or possibly "erk!".

Would someone care to explain to me how Twins 3, Angels 16 happened? Because from reading the box score and game notes, all I can really tell is that one Jason Miller, heretofore having pitched 3 2/3 hitless and scoreless innings in the majors, had a very bad night. Nay, a very bad 1/3 of an inning. There seems to have been a grand slam involved.

Were the Angels getting lucky hits (aside, obviously, from the longballs)? Did our pitching just collapse? Things were obviously not looking good when Bonser left the game, with the Twins trailing 6-1, but holy shamoley--eleven hits, ten runs and three walks in the next 3 2/3?

As much as I want an explanation, I'm really rather glad I didn't stay up to see it happen.

For some must watch, while some must sleep:
So runs the world away.
(Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 2)

Stuff On My Cat

2007-06-04T19:56:00.000-05:00

TBL has no explanation for this, except that she was bored and both the cat and the knitting were close to hand.

Caption, anyone?

West Coast Blues

2007-06-04T09:25:00.000-05:00

These late-night games are all well and good on the weekends, but TBL could do without the prospect of a 9:05 first pitch on a Monday. After dropping their first series since the debacle in Cleveland last month, our boys are headed up the California coastline to face the Los Angeles Angels of Absurdly Long Names.

The numbers suggest the Angels and Twins are comparable teams in almost every respect, with the Angels having an edge in starting pitching, the Twins in relief. Their hitting stats are nearly identical. The Angels are coming off a sweep of Baltimore and have been on a nice winning streak overall the last couple of weeks, while the Twins are looking to get back on their nice winning streak after what one hopes was merely a brief stumble.

Probables - Minnesota @ Pick A City, Already

6/4, 9:05:
Boof Bonser, RHP (4-1, 3.61) vs Jered Weaver, RHP (4-3, 4.25)

Notes: Bonser has been improving, Weaver has been struggling. One hopes both trends continue.

6/5, 9:05:
Scott Baker, RHP (1-0, 5.94) vs. Kelvim Escobar, RHP (6-3, 3.00)

Notes: Baker and Escobar are both looking to rebound from less-than-ideal starts last week.

6/6, 2:35:
Kevin Slowey, RHP (0-0, 1.50) vs. John Lackey, RHP (9-3, 2.37)

Notes: This will be a challenge for young Master Slowey. Not only does he need to find his breaking pitches at the major-league level, but he'll be up against a guy who is, quite frankly, phenomenal. Lackey has had the Twins' number for years.

Slow(ey) Starts

2007-06-02T21:12:00.000-05:00

Did you see that? Tell me you saw that.

Good gravy, it was like going back in time and watching Brad Radke as a young pup, except for the Twins not being the suckingest team in the universe. The mixing up of pitches, the poise in the most dire of situations (such as having the bases loaded with one out in one's first major league inning), and yes...the longball.

TBL misses Brad Radke with a deep and abiding ache, though perhaps slightly less these days, now that there's no Sidney Ponson around to remind her of Radke by perverse example. And TBL is not saying that Slowey is the next Brad Radke, oh no. Just that he sure as heck looked like the next Brad Radke last night, and that it made TBL ever so happy.

He worked the fastball quite a bit; perhaps nerves make him less comfortable with the breaking stuff. The results were fantastic, regardless. TBL believes any pitcher will take six innings, five hits, three strikeouts, two walks and one run for a major league debut and consider it wildly successful. (Heck, TBL will take that from the veterans, thankyouverymuch.)

Slowey starts again Wednesday at 2:30 CDT. Please do NOT tell TBL the score, she intends to record the game and watch it after work. If you missed him the first time around, TBL suggests you make a date with your own VCR/TiVo/DVR.

Twins fans, you gotta see this guy.

Series Wrapup and Looking Ahead

2007-06-01T10:47:00.000-05:00

Twins 10, Whine Sox 4
Twins 9, Whine Sox 2
Twins 7, Whine Sox 6

Since being swept by Cleveland (TBL still winces at the memory) the Twins have won four straight series and 5 of 6 games in the homestand. As fun as it was to beat the Brewers, the Blue Jays and the Rangers, this last series, the sweep, takes the cake.

In the first game, the Twins banged out sixteen hits and took six walks on their way to giving that towering inferno of lefthanded might, Johan "En Fuego" Santana, ten runs of support. They fell behind briefly in the top of the sixth, 3-4; fired up by the umpires' failure to act after Chicago's Contreras beaned two Twins batters and Pierzynski stepped on our MVP's foot while crossing the bag on a groundout, they stormed back in the bottom of the inning for five runs and shut the Sox down the rest of the way.

The second game featured Twins Territory waiting with bated breath for Boof "BOOF!" Bonser to get in a beanball or two of his own. Alas, Boof was feeling rather less bloodthirsty than his fans (or perhaps he simply can't afford the fines), and chose to extract his revenge by pitching 6 2/3 innings and striking out six (Jim Thome, twice!) while allowing only two runs. Justin "Boom-Boom Stick" Morneau thumbed his nose at the Whiny City crew by blasting a two-run homer and two doubles on the night, for a total of four RBI.

But the third game...what can TBL say? It was perfection. The glory of strolling down to the Dome on a lovely sunny afternoon with a good friend when the rest of the world was at work. The comforting security of knowing the series was already won when the Twins fell behind 6-1. The delight of the three-run third, pulling our boys to within two. The scoreless excellence of Jason "Rookie" Miller, Matt "Ol' Reliable" Guerrier, Pat "Lunatic Bunny" Neshek and Joe "Twitchy" Nathan (all in relief of Scott "Sorry, My Bad" Baker) immobilizing the Sox for six straight innings. The hilarity of seeing the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth via a walk, an error, an infield single, and two pitching changes. The unholy glee of the two-out, bases-loaded walk to Torii "Free-Swinging" Hunter. The unparalleled joy of the first Twins' sweep of the Sox since 2004.

And let's not forget the gratification of passing the Sox in the standings. Whoop!

(Topping off the perfect afternoon, TBL and her friend had themselves a nice cocktail and then went and saw Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End, which was huge amounts of fun. Stay for the scene after the credits!)

One wonders why this isn't getting more national press, but during the homestand Luis Castillo added five games to his ML-record errorless streak at 2nd base, now up to 138 games (the previous record, held by Hall of Famer Ryne Sandberg, was 123), and celebrated the one-year anniversary of his last error on May 29th.

And the good times, they keep on comin'. Dust off the Mr. Coffee, friends and neighbors, and put out the chips and salsa, because Kevin Slowey is making his major-league debut as the Twins' starting pitcher tonight at 9 pm CDT in Oakland. TBL is all fired up for this one!

Slowey's line in Rochester (AAA):

W	L	ERA	G	GS	CG	IP	H	R	ER	HR	BB	SO	WHIP	AVG
6	2	1.54	9	9	3	64.1	47	12	11	3	5	57	0.81	.200

Zounds!

Probables - Minnesota @ Oakland

6/1, 9:05:
Kevin Slowey, RHP (0-0, -.--) vs. Joe Kennedy, LHP (1-4, 3.62)

6/2, 8:05:
Carlos Silva, RHP (3-5, 4.22) vs. Joe Blanton, RHP (4-3, 4.28)

6/3, 3:05:
Johan Santana, LHP (6-4, 3.21) vs. Chad Gaudin, RHP (5-1, 2.32)

As the Rotation Turns

2007-05-29T12:00:00.000-05:00

As a Twins fan, one comes to expect certain things. Things such as clinging to underperforming players well past their expiration date (everyone remember Tony Batista?). Thus, it was stunning to see the Twins actually release Sir Sidney "Hit Me Again" Ponson as early as mid-May; TBL had projected him getting the boot in late June, shortly after hordes of belligerent fans burned TR in effigy on the plaza.

Now, in another startling move made whilst the season is still young, Ramon Ortiz, who was the main subject of yesterday's post, has been demoted to the bullpen. Ortiz will be assuming the long-relief role formerly occupied by Matt Guerrier, while Guerrier (who has distinguished himself by actually getting batters out) will be filling in for Jesse Crain, Glen Perkins and Dennys Reyes in late-innings short relief. There are, of course, a couple of other relievers--fresh from Rochester--out there in place of the three injured, but Guerrier will be the one who gets trotted out there when the game is close.

Someone will be called up on Thursday to replace Ortiz in the rotation and make Friday's start in Oakland. The smart money is on Kevin Slowey. No word yet on who will be sent down to make room on the roster.

Is anyone else all a-twitter to see Slowey pitch? TBL is!

Series Wrapup

2007-05-28T09:13:00.000-05:00

Twins 4, Jays 3
Twins 8, Jays 9 (13 innings)
Twins 4, Morneau 3, Jays 2

Now THAT, friends and neighbors, is what TBL likes to see. A series win--the third in a row!--and the lone loss a close one indeed. Highlights of the series included Justin Morneau, Carlos Silva's 7-inning, 2-run start, two sizzling saves by Joe Nathan, Michael Cuddyer's career high 5-RBI game, and the major league debut of lefty relief pitcher Jason Miller, who tossed a perfect inning.

The only real blot on a lovely series was Ramon Ortiz's start. For those of you who weren't paying attention, he started the game in which the Jays scored a lot. He made a fabulous beginning with the Twins, but even TBL's irrational goodwill has worn down to tattered shreds in the last month. Observe:

Month	Starts	W	L	ERA	IP	ER	H	BB	HR	WHIP
April	5	3	1	2.57	35.0	10	28	6	3	0.97
May	5	0	3	10.97	21.1	26	40	5	6	2.11

Looks like the lines for two different pitchers, doesn't it? One disturbing note, given the current condition of the Twins' bullpen, is that he averaged 4 1/3 innings per start in May. The mind boggles.

That wouldn't have been acceptable with a healthy bullpen, but when we've got three relievers on the DL? Something must be done. I would suggest that Ortiz come down with a strained quad or somesuch, go on the DL, and use those 15 days to pull himself together while the Twins avail themselves of the red-hot arm of Kevin Slowey.

The coaching and managerial staff have been, as one would expect, evasive on the subject of why Ortiz has taken such a nosedive. After this last start, however, Gardenhire was making noises about "seeing where we're at" with Ortiz, which one can only assume means re-evaluating his presence in the rotation. His next scheduled start is on Friday; TBL intends to keep a close eye on the whereabouts of Slowey in the meantime.

Up next: the despicable Whine Sox

5/28, 1:10
Jose Contreras, RHP (4-4, 3.71) vs. Johan Santana, LHP (5-4, 3.05)

5/29, 7:10
John Danks, LHP (3-4, 3.78) vs. Boof Bonser, RHP (3-1, 3.88)

5/30, 12:10
Jon Garland, RHP (3-3, 3.43) vs. Scott Baker, RHP (1-0, 3.29)

Mistress Of All I Survey

2007-05-26T00:38:00.000-05:00

Sometimes living alone sucks.

I've been on my own for six months now, and 99% of the time I love it. My space, my rules, my style, my stuff, my way. No roommates, no family, no compromises. I've got a meatless kitchen and a toilet seat that's always left down. I've got four closets all to myself. (No, I have not filled one with yarn. Yet.) I know where everything is, and it doesn't have to make sense to anyone else.

When I don't feel sociable (which is often) I can shut the door and throw the bolt and ahh...blessed solitude. If I'm writing, no one wanders in and accidentally blows my concentration all to hell. No one tries to talk to me during CSI, or dares to suggest that holding knitting projects is not the ultimate function of the coffee table.

However, there are times when I want to be around other people, to talk and laugh and interact, yet everyone I know is busy (I don't know very many people, actually) and there's nowhere to go but home. So I go home and shut the door and try to talk to the cat, but it's just not the same.

The cat, frankly, doesn't give a shit if you had a bad day and were hoping for an evening out with your friends to make up for it. Nor does the cat care in the least when you've got a raging case of writer's block, and furthermore the cat is utterly useless if you want to bounce plot ideas off of someone.

The cat also can't give you a hug when you need one, or smack you upside the head and tell you you're being a dumbass when that's what you need. The cat does not point out ever-so-delicately that the outfit in which you're trying to leave the house makes your ass look like a dirigible ready for launch, nor does the cat remind you that you're out of toilet paper, veggie burgers, and whiskey. (You know, the essentials.) The cat loves getting backrubs, but has yet to reciprocate.

Humans are hardwired to be social creatures. Even raging introverts like me have to get out there now and again. And when we're thwarted in that design, the primal brain becomes convinced we have been abandoned by the tribe and will promptly die. No amount of logic and reason will convince the primal brain otherwise, because it is not so smart. It is the primal brain which leads us to feel like crap when we find ourselves watching the Cubs game on television a few minutes before midnight on a Friday when we'd hoped to be down the pub with a pint and some old friends, even though these things happen and there's really no reason to get at all despondent about it.

Don't get me wrong. I love my new life. I adore my on-my-own-ness. I relish my privacy and my utter command of one tiny, overpriced, cat-fur-covered piece of the universe.

But once in a while...

...every so often...

...just occasionally...

...one percent of the time...

...it sucks.

Staying In Touch

2007-05-23T07:49:00.000-05:00

Rangers 1, Twins 7

Time for TBL to catch up on her correspondence.

Johan Santana
c/o Minnesota Twins
Minneapolis, MN

Dearest, darling Johan,

Oh, my. We all know you're usually en fuego, but last night? That was something special. Thirteen strikeouts! (Is it warm in here?) And run support! The boys actually gave you run support! After your last couple of starts, I was starting to think you had inherited the Curse of Radke. Glad to know that's not the case. And before that, I admit there were a few times I suspected your evil lookalike might have made a comeback. But luckily for all of us, you were just having a bad day.

In the midst of all the injuries and the imploding and the sucking, your en fuego-ness is an inspiration to us all. Except maybe Morneau, I can never tell what he's thinking. Darn stoics.

Devotedly,
TBL

Justin Morneau
c/o Minnesota Twins
Minneapolis, MN

Dear Justin,

Two massive, towering homers and five RBI! Be still my beating heart. And this was your third multi-homer game of the season already. Some people actually think that smirking bastard Jeter should have won the MVP? Hah!

Truly, you are Canada's finest export.

Admiringly,
TBL

P.S. You can crack a smile every now and again. It's okay. Really.

Kevin Slowey
c/o Rochester Red Wings
Rochester, NY

Dear Kevin,

Judging by your 1.76 ERA and the Twins ever-expanding disabled list, I think you're going to be needing this.

Practically,
TBL

George Steinbrenner
c/o New York Yankees
Ninth Circle of Hell, Hades

Dear George,

I snicker in your general direction.

Schadenfreudeially,
TBL

Ouch

2007-05-22T08:55:00.000-05:00

Anyone out there starting to think this team is cursed? Yeah, me, too.

The current state of the Twins' disabled list:

RHP Jesse Crain, 15-day as of 05/16/2007 (out for the season)
LHP Francisco Liriano, 60-day as of 03/24/2007 (out for the season)
LHP Glen Perkins, 15-day as of 05/22/2007
C Joe Mauer, 15-day as of 05/06/2007
IF Alejandro Machado, 15-day as of 03/24/2007 (may be out for season)
OF Josh Rabe, 15-day as of 05/10/2007
OF Rondell White, 15-day as of 04/05/2007

Jeff Cirillo and Lew Ford have served 15-day DL stints and returned to the lineup. And those are just the serious injuries. Off the top of my head, I recall that Nick Punto, Jason Bartlett, Torii Hunter, Dennys Reyes, Michael Cuddyer and Luis Castillo have all been unavailable for multiple consecutive games at some point in the season thus far. I'm probably missing a few guys with that list.

And oh, look--we now have a bullpen with no lefties. As if the Twins' pitching wasn't enough of a question mark. Isn't that just dandy? Then again, the lefties we did have in the bullpen weren't exactly setting the league afire...

What it comes down to is that the Twins are sitting in the toughest division in baseball and missing the reigning AL batting champ, who also happens to be an elite catcher, their starting left fielder, the hottest young lefty starter since Johan Santana, another young lefty (future) starter who they were depending on for some bullpen help, a promising young infielder, an oft-used middle reliever, and a backup outfielder. For the next few days, they also have to contend with the unavailability of their lefthanded specialist and the probable unavailability of their starting shortstop, along with the usual worries about the bum knees of their second baseman, their outfielder/DH, and their current left fielder.

So yes, they got their butts whupped 14-4 by the Rangers last night, but given the current state of the roster, I'm amazed they managed to put nine guys out there every inning.

No official word from the Twins on who will be called up to replace Glen Perkins, but the Rochester Red Wings site is saying that the major league club has purchased the contract of lefty Carmen Cali. Cali is 2-0 with a 2.70 ERA in 16 2/3 innings of work over 12 games for the Red Wings. He has walked 6, struck out 5, and has a 1.14 WHIP. Cali is not currently on the Twins' 40-man roster, but I believe there is one spot available due to Liriano being on the 60-day disabled list.

Two Out of Three, Etcetera

2007-05-20T21:34:00.000-05:00

Well.

Looks like a certain team remembered what those big sticks are for. Also, those weird leather things that look kind of like hands. And where the strike zone is. And how it's only funny if your guy hits the ball out of the park.

Sure, we were all hoping for the sweep. We were all hoping Scott Baker would pitch the complete game on Saturday (TBL will never quite understand why he wasn't allowed to). But we all know that with the way these guys were playing the last couple of weeks, winning one game against the resurgent Brewers would have been good. Winning two and staying close in the third was practically a miracle.

'Course, it turns out that Dennys Reyes gave up the winning run at least in part because that problematic shoulder flared up again, a fact of which both he and the trainers who knew about it failed to inform the manager. Who would not have put him in a tie game if he had known.

Now, that's enough to drive an honest fan crazy, it really is, but TBL is going to curse the name, person, and ancestry of Reyes tomorrow. Tomorrow is soon enough to worry about Crain's absence, Reyes' shoulder, Ortiz's 11.74 May ERA, Santana's lack of run support, the generalized streakiness of Twins hitting, Castillo's knees and the deeper meaning of the infield fly rule. Tomorrow is soon enough, because Mondays suck anyway.

Tonight is the time to luxuriate in the first series win since April. Yes, April. It really has been that long. And to remember that the Twins actually beat a lefty starter on Friday. So enjoy, fellow Twins fans. Savor it. And if you have some time on your hands and a spiritual turn of mind, praying probably wouldn't hurt.

Up next: Twins at Rangers

5/21, 7:05
Carlos Silva, RHP (2-4, 3.56) vs. Vicente Padilla, RHP (1-6, 5.77)

5/22, 7:05
Johan Santana, LHP (4-4, 3.26) vs. Kameron Loe, RHP (1-3, 6.21)

5/23, 1:05
Boof Bonser, RHP (2-1, 3.91) vs. Robinson Tejeda, RHP (4-3, 4.53)

The Unbearable Triteness of Sucking

2007-05-17T15:20:00.000-05:00

Cleveland 15, Minnesota 7
Cleveland 7, Minnesota 1
Cleveland 2, Minnesota 0

For the second start in a row, Johan "Godlike" Santana went six innings or more, allowed two earned runs, and lost. Today, he also got a season high in strikeouts.

But that's not the worst of it. Oh, no. Over the three game series, the Twins flailed their way through 22 scoreless innings at bat. They badly lost a game in which they scored seven runs. The MVP got beaned, and no one retaliated. They lost a middle reliever to the DL, likely for the rest of the season. They posted a .217 batting average (despite the seven-run game) and a 6.75 ERA (which doesn't reflect the six unearned runs). Oh, and let's not forget the eleven walks they handed out, while taking only four.

And those are just the numbers. Numbers don't show you sloppy bunt attempts, negligent throws, or generalized incompetence. But the TV sure does. Actually, TBL is pretty sure that the sixth inning of Tuesday's game is permanently burned onto her retinas. Last night she woke up at three in the morning, clutching a very unhappy cat and screaming, "No, Jesse Crain! Don't leave that pitch up to Grady Sizemore!"

One can only hope that this, right here and now, is the darkest of darkness which is purported to come just before the dawn. Because if TBL doesn't get herself some dawn soon, she's going to get upset, and because of that she'll have a wee bit too much wine, which will cause her to write long, weepy letters to Jason Bartlett asking why can't he field anymore and why does he suck at bunting and where are his tall socks, and those splotchy, recriminating messages will upset him, and if the shortstop isn't happy ain't nobody happy, and no good can come of it, ever.

Next up: 3 games at Milwaukee. Our pitchers have to bat. Yeah, that'll help...

5/18, 7:05
Boof Bonser, RHP (1-1, 4.33) vs. Chris Capuano, LHP (5-1, 2.93)

5/19, 6:05
Scott Baker, RHP (0-0, -.--) vs. Dave Bush, RHP (3-3, 5.47)

5/20, 1:05
Ramon Ortiz, RHP (3-4, 4.89) vs. Claudio Vargas, RHP (3-0, 2.93)

An Open Letter to the Twins

2007-05-15T21:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Twins,

Tonight, you lost to the Cleveland Native American Stereotypes by a score of 15-7. And now, a question for you:

Why must you crush TBL's soul?

SIX UNEARNED RUNS, boys. SIX! You can't blame all that on Punto, even though he made the error. At some point after an error, someone has to suck it up and get somebody out. Otherwise, innings go on forever and six unearned runs score. You see how that works?

Granted, even without the unearned runs, there would have been losing. But 9-7 sounds so much better, don't you think? It sounds like the losing team (YOU) might have actually had a prayer at some point in the whole endless, godforsaken game.

Also, why must you waste all the beautiful scoring on a game in which you at one point trailed by 12 runs? Save some for tomorrow! Silva, he gets twitchy without the run support, and now TBL is afraid you're all going to be swinging like sedated orangutans for the rest of the series. (Well, except for you, Justin. You are obviously en fuego, and TBL is loving it.)

What is TBL supposed to do with you all? If the pitching holds up, the hitting flops. If the hitting gets going, the pitching implodes. And the fielding, it has been not so good all year. Why must you do these things to your fans, who only want to adore you and cheer for you and thumb their noses at the Whine Sox? Why?

Just tell me that.

Longingly,

TBL

See Ya, Sidney

2007-05-14T09:25:00.000-05:00

TBL is guest-blogging (as "Infield") over on BatGirl today.

Post reproduced below for archiving purposes:

The Infield Report: Bonfire of the Inanities

Late Saturday night, Sir Sidney Ponson sat in front of his locker in the Twins clubhouse. The rest of the team was gone, except Torii Hunter, who was touching up the surgically precise edges of his goatee across the room.

Sidney pulled an undershirt off of a hanger, gazed at it for a moment, sighed deeply, and dropped it into the box at his feet. He took a glove off of a hook on the side, gazed at it for a moment, sighed deeply, and dropped it into the box at his feet. He picked a pair of shoes off the floor, gazed at them for a moment, sighed deeply, and dropped them into the box at his feet.

All this sighing was starting to get on Torii's nerves. It made it hard to concentrate, and a man needs to concentrate when he's got a diamond-edge razor in his hands. He set it down.

"Hey, Siddy, what's up? Why the long face?" he called, towelling shaving cream off of his legendary cheeks.

"I got designated for assignment," Ponson gloomed, heaving another deep sigh.

"Aw, man, that sucks. What were you supposed to do--it's obvious you're cursed. And getting uncursed, it ain't easy. I should know."

"Do you think it was my glove, Torii?"

"Might've been."

"Or maybe my cap?"

"Could be."

"Cleats?"

"Hard to say, Siddy," Torii opined. "If I could tell something was cursed just by looking at it, 2005 would've been real different."

"Hoo yeah. For me, too. And 2004. And 2006. This season, obviously. And--"

"You know," Torii interrupted hastily, because he had a feeling that list was going to go on for a while. "You gotta get this curse under control if you want to catch on with another team."

"I know, I know, but what can I do?" Sid wailed.

Torii pointed at the box, and at the locker. "Burn it. Burn it all."

"Even my lucky glove?!?"

Torii gave him The Look. "Just how lucky you think that glove is, Siddy? I gotta say, the empirical evidence just isn't there."

"You're right, Torii. You're right." He sighed a sigh so massive that locker doors fluttered in the breeze. "It all has to go. It's my only chance. Do you think they'll let me start a fire in the parking lot?"

"You, no. Me, definitely. You finish cleaning out that locker, and I'll meet you out back in half an hour, ok?"

"Okay. And thanks, Torii. You're a swell guy."

"Aw, shucks," Torii blushed. "I know that."

Half an hour later Ponson hauled his box out to the back lot to find a crackling bonfire and Torii rummaging through a grocery bag on a folding table.

"I ran to the store for some snacks," Torii said with a grin. "Curse-breaking is hungry work. We'll eat after."

"Excellent!" Sid exclaimed, instantly feeling much better about the whole enterprise.

"Well, go on," Torii urged. "Toss that stuff on there. A quick break is easiest."

And Sidney threw his cursed posessions one by one onto the inferno. As each thing caught fire, he felt a little lighter in his heart, which had been heavy indeed. Torii tossed in the new hat he'd been wearing the last couple of games, because he was starting to have a bad feeling about it.

"Sometimes we just need to let go of things. Like old undershirts, and sucking," Sidney said philosophically.

"Word," Torii agreed. "C'mon, man, let's roast us some grain dogs while the fire's high."

Ponson started to nod, then froze. "Grain dogs?"

"They're good. And low-fat. I got the Mexican Chipotle kind. Spicy!" He skewered a couple of zesty dogs and handed one to Sidney. They toasted them over the burning wreckage of Ponson's days with Minnesota and ate them on soft buns with mustard and sauerkraut. And by the time the flames guttered out and they had swept the ashes away, Ponson had learned that fire purifies and that tasty food doesn't have to go straight to your massive belly.

At the end of the night he walked Torii to his car. "Say, Torii? I was wondering something."

"Yeah?"

"How'd you get all that wood on short notice? I hope you didn't do anything silly like spend a ton of money on a rush delivery just to make me feel better."

"What, that stuff?" Torii said, climbing the ladder into the driver's seat of his massive vehicle. "Shoot, that was just a pile of assbats that were laying around the clubhouse. You take care of yourself now, Siddy."

"You, too, Torii. And thanks!"

They Only Have the One Between Them?

2007-05-11T15:10:00.000-05:00

Today in "Poorly-Edited Sports Headlines":

(It's even funnier because it's the Yankees...)

An Open Letter to Johan Santana

2007-05-11T12:00:00.000-05:00

Johan, my (lamentably platonic) love, do me a favor.

Please be muy en fuego tonight.

The Tigers are coming to town, and they are very much en fuego themselves. It would be tough to beat them under the best of circumstances, but these are not the best of circumstances, are they, Johan?

Because the Twins are not en fuego. The Twins are not even en tepid. They are hitting like a municipal summer team after Bob who works at the liquor store treats the boys to a keg before the game. And that's against righties. Against lefties, they are hitting like blindfolded kindergarteners trying for a piñata.

And tonight they will be facing Mike Maroth, who is indeed a lefty. We could save a lot of heartache and prime Friday drinking time by skipping the bottom of innings 1-6.

It gets worse. For your en-fuego-ness (should you choose to exercise it) will be pitted not only against the sizzling bats of Detroit, but also against the boneheaded adventures of your own team. There is not just poor hitting in Twinsland, Johan, you know this. In order to counteract the few hits that do somehow squeak through cracks in the wall of ineptitude, the boys have taken to making baserunning mistakes that would get a twelve year old kicked out of Little League. Mistakes like advancing to third on a grounder to third. I am sure you also experience the instant throbbing at the temples that witnessing such blunders gives me.

But take an ibuprofen, Johan, and soldier on! For tonight I bring with me to the Dome a friend who is not so much a baseball fan. Mostly I think she just wants a night away from the kids. But you see, I have an agenda. Like the homosexual agenda, only not so well decorated. I hope to turn my friend into a baseball fan, and through her, her children.

However, given the exceptional suckitude of the Twins offense, you are my only hope of opening her eyes to the wonder and majesty of baseball. The wonder and majesty of you, Johan CyTana.

You don't have to do it for me. You don't even have to do it for her. But do it for her two adorable little boys, who would look ever so cute in tiny Twins gear. Do it for the children, Johan.

Be en fuego.

Sincerely,

TBL

South Pause, Redux

2007-05-10T09:35:00.000-05:00

Okay, this whole every-lefty-is-Cy-Young-reincarnate thing? Getting old. I ranted a bit about the team record against lefties a couple of weeks ago, but as nothing has changed, I'm prepared to start pointing some fingers.

Among those with more than 5 at bats versus lefties, our best hitter, at .333, is Joe Mauer. Let's all take a moment to sigh deeply, here. Following him with a .317 is Torii Hunter, who is in the midst of a freakishly hot hitting streak.

Jeff Cirillo, who was supposed to help end our lefty woes, was injured to start the season and has only seven at-bats and two hits (.286) against southpaws. Jason Kubel, who has not in general been hitting well at all, is posting a very respectable .276 average versus lefties in 22 ABs. Jason Tyner follows with a .267, and then everyone else is .250 or below.

Bartlett, a righty, and Punto, a switch hitter, should be doing better than their .235s. The fact that both hit well over .300 against lefties last year makes this even harder to swallow. Cuddyer, another righty, is posting a .217 (.297 last season), while hitting lefthanded doesn't make Morneau's .216 forgivable, especially since that's .099 below last year's mark.

Even a spare outfielder shouldn't be allowed to hit .200 against southpaws if he bats righthanded (I'm looking at you, Josh Rabe), but Luis Castillo wins the Sucking Cup by a mile with a staggering .194.

In a rather brutal case of life refusing to be fair, the Twins have compiled 429 at-bats against lefties this year, far and away the most in the league--second place goes to the A's with 348. And the Twins hit .245 against them, 12th in the 14-team AL. But it gets worse--they're last in OBP and 13th in OPS.

But what can you do? Make Glen Perkins take his bullpens by throwing BP?

Leaving aside the question of lefties for a moment, because it's wildly frustrating and no solutions present themselves to this under-caffeinated brain, I'd also like to mention the power outage.

For those of you who haven't been paying attention, the Twins are last in the league in home runs. Hit, not surrendered. (That's a whole 'nother post...) They have 18. Justin Morneau has 8 of them. Torii Hunter has 6. Which means that the other 14 guys who have batted for the Twins this season have combined for 4 homers in 895 at-bats. Or, approximately one homer every eight games.

And while you all know me to be a great proponent of "small ball", I believe our Twins have crossed the line into "miniscule ball" and would be well-advised to hit the snot out of the darn thing, already.

What Mauer Means

2007-05-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

The Twins will be without starting catcher Joe Mauer for at least two weeks after an MRI revealed a strain in his left quad muscle and the team placed him on the 15-day disabled list.
Mauer has been battling a sore quad for nearly the entire first month of the season, but he only felt the increased pain and stiffness in his leg on Friday night while running the bases in a game against the Red Sox. He came to the park on Saturday and took batting practice before having to pull himself out of the lineup.
And after seeing the results of Mauer's MRI on Sunday morning, the Twins made the decision that it was most important to give the catcher time to let the injury heal.
"He's a catcher and squatting a lot, so we have to let this thing calm down," Twins manager Ron Gardenhire said. "He's been fighting it and trying to play through it. Now, it's just time to let it get better. There is some swelling in there and we have to protect that young man. We need him down the road."
(twinsbaseball.com)

Obviously, losing the reigning AL batting champion sucks, especially when much of the rest of your lineup is injured or slumping or both. Losing a damn fine starting catcher in the same person really sucks, even when you have (arguably) the best backup catcher in baseball to fill in.

But while that .353 batting average will be sorely missed, Mauer means a lot more to this team that a hit every 2.83 at-bats.

"A good catcher is the quarterback, the carburetor, the lead dog, the pulse taker, the traffic cop and sometimes a lot of unprintable things, but no team gets very far without one." --Miller Huggins

I don't care how good your pitching staff is, it's going to struggle without a decent catcher. A bad catcher causes arguments, stress, wasted time, and missed plays. A competent catcher allows a staff to do their jobs with a minimum amount of fuss. A good catcher can elevate a pitching staff into more than the sum of its parts.

Out here in the stands, we don't really know how much direction Joe Mauer takes from the dugout, how many strategies have been agreed upon before the game, or what the guy on the mound thinks of the guy behind the plate. What we do know is that you don't often see a pitcher shake him off, that he's caught a Cy Young winner twice and the best bullpen around several times, not to mention handling prima donnas like Kyle Lohse and JC Romero without ever visibly losing his cool.

We know that he's one of the best-fielding catchers in the league, the numbers bear that out. We know he's got a fair arm, good range, a low error rate and that he compiled those numbers over a whole lot of innings. We know he's one of the very few starting catchers in baseball this season who has yet to post either an error or a passed ball.

Various members of the Twins staff are struggling mightily at present (and certain of them would be struggling if they could be made to put that much effort into the task), and while Mike Redmond is a damn fine backup catcher, he's not used to catching every day. The weeks ahead will wear on him, physically and mentally.

"In baseball, my theory is to strive for consistency, not to worry about the numbers. If you dwell on statistics you get shortsighted, if you aim for consistency, the numbers will be there at the end."
--Tom Seaver

The Twins have a number of wildly streaky hitters. Perhaps every team does, I don't know. My attention to other teams generally doesn't extend past how they play the Twins, whether their results are helping or hurting the standing of the Twins, and whether or not they're beating the Bankees and the Whine Sox.

But Mauer? Mauer's pretty steady. Every player has little slumps and little hot streaks, and he's no exception. When I say "wildly streaky", I mean weeks hitting within spitting distance of the Mendoza line, followed by weeks hitting like Ted Williams, with only rare bursts of normalcy in between. And on any given day, you don't know if you're getting Mendoza or Williams. With Mauer, you're pretty sure you're getting Mauer.

His .353 currently leads the team in batting average, and that's no surprise. Nor are his .446 OBP (far and away the team leader), his 16 walks, his 10 doubles, his .927 OPS, his low strikeout rate, his 14 RBI.

But I'm talking about consistency, and you can compile those numbers in streaks. How about the fact that the numbers he's putting up this year look a lot like the ones he put up last year? That's a start.

In 28 games this season, he's gone hitless in only seven. Once he had back-to-back hitless games...with two walks in each game. He's had three three-hit games and more 2-hit games than I'm willing to squint at the game log to count. His season low average thus far is .324, which he dropped to on April 13th. His season-low OBP of .375 also came on that day.

Speaking of OBP and average, he's had the highest of any starting player on the team in every full season he's played thus far. He's also taken the most walks. Good swing, good eye, great hitter.

Consistency. Gotta love it. Gonna miss it.

So are the Twins doomed without Mauer? Of course not. There are still at least 22 major-league players on that 25-man roster. But trying to work through a slump in a tough division just got a whole lot harder. The guys who have gotten off to a slow start don't have the luxury of time and space and patience any longer. There's a great, gaping hole in the lineup and either it gets plastered over or the Twins lose ground they'll find it difficult to make up down the stretch.

Up next, the Whine Sox (14-14, .500) at the Twins (16-15, .516).

Probables

5/8:
CWS - Javier Vazquez, RHP (2-1, 4.02)
MIN - Boof Bonser, RHP (0-1, 4.55)

5/9:
CWS - John Danks, LHP (0-4, 5.02)
MIN - Ramon Ortiz, RHP (3-2, 3.23)

5/10:
CWS - Jose Contreras, RHP (2-3, 4.88)
MIN - Carlos Silva, RHP (2-2, 2.75)

Curiouser and Curiouser...

2007-05-04T11:30:00.000-05:00

"This losing streak is bad for the fans...but look at it this way. We're making a lot of people happy in other cities."
--Ted Turner

What an odd week it's been in Twinsland. It felt like a bad week, but it was a .500 week. The numbers were (by and large) very good, the results were (by and large) mediocre. Strange reversals occurred--Ponson looked like an honest-to-gosh major league pitcher out there, while Nathan blew a save. Punto hit like a madman, while the formerly red-hot Cuddyer started to slump before somersaulting down the basepath and into a back injury.

The Twins lead the league in hitting over the last seven days but stranded 60 baserunners. That is not a typo--sixty. They were second in pitching (behind the Royals; truly the Apocalypse is nigh), but lost half their games. Joe Nathan and Jesse Crain each picked up a loss in relief, while Carlos Silva and Sidney Ponson reeled in wins. The team committed three errors (all of them last night), but allowed only one unearned run.

They won in blowouts and lost in close games, and while blowouts are fun, those close games are what get you to the postseason...or not. There's no reason to worry (yet), but a little consistency will go a long way against the Red Sox this weekend. The Twins need to turn their rather dismal home record around and remember that what they do on the field is the only thing that can make up for suffering through Dome food and the Dome itself.

TBL will be there on Saturday to personally witness the en fuego-ness of Johan Santana. Woo-hoo!

Probables

5/4:
BOS - Tim Wakefield, RHP (2-3, 2.59)
MIN - Carlos Silva, RHP (2-1, 3.10)

5/5:
BOS - Julian Tavarez, RHP (1-2, 7.58)
MIN - Johan Santana, LHP (3-2, 3.60)

5/6:
BOS - Curt Schilling, RHP (3-1, 3.15)
MIN - Sidney Ponson, RHP (2-3, 6.67)

What Do You Dial For the Fashion Police?

2007-05-03T12:49:00.000-05:00

Ah, spring, when a young(ish) Twins fan's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of finding some capri pants and maybe a top to go with her so-cute new sandals.

You know what? They don't make clothes for actual women anymore. TBL is not sure they ever did.

TBL recalls being fourteen and approximately as wide as your pinkie finger and having no problems at all finding clothes that fit just wonderfully. But TBL kept on getting older until one day she woke up and had hips and a butt and other things that grown women have in real life. And suddenly, the shopping? Not so easy.

Here's the thing: the average American woman is 5'4" and wears a size 14. TBL is 5'3" and does not wear a size 14, but neither does she wear a size 2. And yet, all the pants which fit the curvy bits have great swathes of extra fabric flapping about the legs and/or pooling about the ankles. And all the tops which fit the curvy bits either drape tentlike over the rest of the torso or look as though they were applied with a vacuum-sealing device of some sort.

As a bit of an aside, while TBL is pleased to see the sport clothing manufacturers producing more gear for the female baseball fan, far too much of it is pink. Those of you who know TBL in real life, take a minute to picture her in pink. Try not to laugh so hard you injure yourself, please. This blog does not carry liability insurance.

But back to the fashion industry--TBL has female friends in every size you can imagine, and we all find that the task of acquiring clothes that fit nicely and are appropriate to both our personalities and our ages falls somewhere between "Herculean" and "Sisyphean".

So tell us, why are 95% of the clothes in the stores made for only two kinds of women--the pencil-thin, hipless, buttless, boobless wonder, or your color-blind Auntie Edna who thinks muumuus are appropriate to every occasion?

Most women fall somewhere between the two. And what we want is not so terribly complicated. We want clothes that fit. Comfortably. Over real bodies. We want to be able to look professional without looking frumpy. We want to be casual but still have waists that are easily identifiable. We want to look (and feel) sexy, not trashy.

We want to walk into stores and try things on without having our self-esteem bludgeoned to bits. It's okay--it's normal--for a woman have a convex belly and dimples on her thighs. Why should she hide under floral-print tents just because she doesn't spend three hours a day at the gym or--goddess forbid--she had a baby and her body changed? Why are we made to feel ashamed of having a woman's body, not a boy's? Perhaps more to the point, why do we allow ourselves to be shamed?

But no matter how good (or otherwise) we feel about our bodies, hardly anyone is making decent clothes for them. We do the best we can, we hunt through store after store, picking up this here and that there and too often settling for something vaguely adequate because it's the best we can find. We learn to alter our own clothing (get a serger, ladies, you'll love it) and keep an eye out for our best girlfriends' sizes while we're in the stores, because they do the same for us and we can all use every bit of help we can get.

We buy stuff that isn't comfortable because it looks okay, and stuff that looks like hell because it's comfortable. We come home with things that neither look nor feel good, because we think they might be great when they soften up in the wash, or after we drop that five pounds we've been meaning to deal with. We end up with closets bursting and drawers overflowing and nothing to wear.

Guys? You wonder why she has so many clothes? This is why.

It's stupid. Piles and mountains and racks of clothes in store after store all over the world, and no one who isn't a size 4 and under can find a thing that they really like. Who designs this crap?

Who decided that TBL is too short for her own hips, and that if she doesn't want to wear a sack over her chest, she must be determined to skirt the very edges of the public decency laws? Who decided that the most gorgeous, sexy women TBL has ever met should disappear under yards of shapeless fabric just because they had children? Who decided that you only deserve nice clothes if you're 5'8" and measure 34-22-34?

And, ladies, we can't hang this one on the guys. TBL is certain that there are, in fact, men out there who honestly prefer the stick-figure vision of femininity, but she has yet to become acquainted with any of them. The (straight) guys, they do like the curvy bits.

You know what the really "in" thing is this summer? The empire waist. That's where the top or dress is cinched (usually with a band of some sort) directly under the breasts and flows loosely from there. This style looks delicate and lovely on any woman who has an A cup and no hips. On the rest of us--which is most of us--it looks like maternity wear.

And to judge from what is available in the stores, they all expect TBL to voluntarily buy this stuff and spend the summer looking pregnant. Aside from the fact that FPC would fall catatonic at the mere thought of becoming a grandmother, TBL does not wish to spend her summer explaining that no, she does not want or need a used stroller for cheap.

You will not find any answers here. TBL is just venting, and putting some questions out there. And maybe hoping that if enough of us think about this, and get annoyed about this, and find a way to stop buying crap that's barely serviceable and mostly undesirable, someone in the fashion industry will wake up and say, "Excuse me, but why don't we try something completely off the wall here, and whip up some clothes that make people look and feel good? I've got a hunch they might sell."

And if, in the course of your daily life, you should stumble across some capris which would actually be capri-length and not wader-length on a woman of normal height, and which do not in any way resemble a hot air balloon or, alternatively, body paint, do drop TBL a line. She's still looking...

April Recap

2007-05-01T10:00:00.000-05:00

Now, the Twins have never (to TBL's recollection) been much of an April team. Slow out of the gate but picking up speed down the stretch is more their style. This April, though, not so bad. I'll compare to recent years in a moment. First, the quick hits:

The Good
The Twins posted a winning record on the road--and not just by a game or two, but 7-4. They also fared well against East and West teams, and in one-run games. They hit more doubles in April than any other AL team.

The Bad
The Twins didn't do so well at home, sealing a .500 home record on the month by eking out a 1-0, extra inning win against the Royals in their final home game for April. the pitching staff is third in the league in most home runs surrendered.

The Ugly
The Twins were 5-7 against other Central teams. Ouch. They're also last in the league in home runs.

So, not a stellar month, but not half bad. It could have been--and has in recent memory actually been--much, MUCH worse.

Year	W	L	Pct	Rank	GB	vs E	vs C	vs W	Home	Road	1-run
2003	13	14	.448	3rd	5.0	n/a	n/a	n/a	6-7	7-7	n/a
2004	15	8	.652	1st	--	n/a	n/a	n/a	10-4	5-4	n/a
2005	15	9	.625	2nd	2.5	0-0	11-7	4-2	8-3	7-6	6-4
2006	9	16	.360	4th	9.0	3-3	2-10	4-3	6-4	3-12	4-1
2007	14	11	.560	2nd (T)	1.5	6-4	5-7	3-0	7-7	7-4	5-2

(Unfortunately, the MLB standings page doesn't work "as of" before 2005, which is why my numbers run a bit thin before that...)

So, if this team holds to its usual pattern of not really getting going until June, they are going to be en fuego through the summer months. And that's an idea we can all get behind!

And, last but not least:

Who Was Hot

Ramon Ortiz, 3-1, 2.57 ERA, 35.0 IP
Joe Mauer, .369 BA, .465 OBP, 15 BB, 0 PB
Juan Rincon, 1.86 ERA, 11.17 K/9
Torii Hunter, 1.003 OPS, 5 HR, 13 2B, 4 SB
Michael Cuddyer, 17 RBI, 6 outfield assists

Who Was Not

Sidney Ponson, 1-3, 8.44 ERA, 16 BB, 7 HR
Jason Bartlett, .239 BA, 6 E, .943 FPCT
Dennys Reyes, 7.04 ERA, 2.61 WHIP
Nick Punto, .220 BA, .304 OBP
Mike Redmond, .259 BA, .298 OBP

An Open Letter to Boof Bonser

2007-04-27T10:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Boof,

Long time no chat. How's the family? Get any new tattoos lately?

So, you're probably wondering why I'm writing you during the season, when you're so busy. I know you've got a lot on your plate right now, but...oh, to hell with it. I'm not going to pussyfoot around. You're a big boy, you can take it.

You know the strike zone? It's right where it's always been. Seriously. It did not move in the offseason. It sure as hell didn't get bigger.

Speaking of getting bigger...mix in a salad every once in a while, there, ol' buddy. You do not want people to start calling you "Ponson the Younger".

Actually, I hate to say this but you need to hear it. You've gotten sloppy. With the pitching, with the training, with everything. Sixteen walks in a bit under 26 innings, Boof? Come on. You only gave up 24 walks in over 100 innings last season. Seven homers in your first four starts? And what's this crap with only going five innings a start? You're supposed to be a workhorse! Get with the program!

The thing is, you're elevating your pitch count early in the game with all those walks. And then you get yanked in the fifth, or early in the sixth, because you've got runners on and over 100 pitches under your belt, right next to all those offseason cheeseburgers.

This is not cool, man. You're making the bullpen pitch innings that you're supposed to cover. Don't you think maybe Juan Rincón and Jesse Crain would like a game off now and again? And poor Pat Neshek. Pitching like a meerkat on meth is hard on the joints, Boof. Let the little guy relax once in a while.

We expect better from you, Boof. We need better from you. Frankly, with Sir Sidney in the rotation, we can't afford to have anyone else screwing up. You've got to step up and become the leaner, meaner starter you were meant to be! I believe in you.

Faithfully,

TBL

P.S. Just because I believe in you doesn't mean I'm going to take any more of this crap. This is what they call "tough love". Shape up!

It Could Be Worse?

2007-04-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

While TBL has not personally had the pleasure (?) of seeing Matt Chico in action, Larry Dobrow of CBS Sportsline (who, it may be worth noting, is not exactly TBL's favorite sports journalist, though he is on occasion hysterically funny) claims he's much, much worse than the train wreck that is Sir Sidney Ponson.

Sidney Ponson and Jeff Weaver should be pitching in Triple-A: Oops. Rather, they should be placed in restraints and secreted off to a secure location, for their safety as well as our own. The idea that the Twins, an organization that should know better, is once again sacrificing early-season games at the altar of a "proven veteran" boggles the ol' noodle. It's not as if either organization lacks better and cheaper options under its own roof (Matt Garza and/or Glen Perkins in Minnesota, Ryan Feierabend in Seattle).

And yet neither Ponson nor Weaver can claim the title of 2007's worst starting pitcher -- that would be the Nationals' ghastly Matt Chico. Watching his starts is like watching XXX: State of the Union in Swahili, minus the subtitles. His last one, in particular, was a masterwork of demented artistry: not only did he walk the opposing pitcher twice, but one of his pitches ended up in the stands. Both he and Nationals fans are as deserving of your pity as a motherless child.
--Larry Dobrow, "From A-Rod to Big Z, how it all went wrong"

This got me to thinking. How is Sir Sid stacking up amongst the worst of the worst in this young season? Off to the stats!!

"Top" 10 Worst Starters by ERA (3 or more starts)

American League

Name	Team	ERA	GS	IP	H	ER	HR	HB	BB	K	WP	WHIP
J Weaver	SEA	13.91	3	11.0	24	17	2	0	3	7	0	2.45
B McCarthy	TEX	10.20	4	15.0	25	17	3	2	6	7	1	2.07
J Westbrook	CLE	9.15	4	19.2	24	20	6	1	11	13	2	1.78
M Batista	SEA	8.83	3	17.1	25	17	4	2	4	12	1	1.67
S Ponson	MIN	8.44	4	21.1	35	20	6	1	9	12	0	2.06
J Tavarez	BOS	8.36	3	14.0	19	13	3	1	6	9	0	1.79
K Igawa	NYY	7.84	4	20.2	24	18	5	3	9	13	1	1.60
J Seo	TB	7.66	4	22.1	36	19	4	1	6	11	1	1.88
O Perez	KC	7.54	5	22.2	33	19	1	0	8	10	0	1.81
C Fossum	TB	6.94	4	23.1	29	18	4	3	3	11	0	1.37
League Leader:
D Haren	OAK	1.41	5	32.0	23	5	2	0	9	17	0	1.00

There's Ponson, the 5th-worst starter in the AL by ERA ranking. By WHIP, he's 3rd, after Weaver and McCarthy, respectively. He's also 3rd in home runs surrendered (Boof, alas, is first, but otherwise off the Leaderboard of Suck) and OBA [on-base average].

National League

Name	Team	ERA	GS	IP	H	ER	HR	HB	BB	K	WP	WHIP
R Vanden Hurk	FLA	13.97	3	9.2	16	15	2	0	9	13	2	2.59
W Miller	CHC	10.54	3	13.2	24	16	5	0	6	6	0	2.20
M Redman	ATL	10.13	4	18.2	29	21	3	2	6	11	1	1.88
C Hensley	SD	9.45	4	20.0	34	21	2	0	11	8	1	2.25
B Myers	PHI	9.39	3	15.1	15	16	5	0	9	19	0	1.57
M Pelfrey	NYM	7.90	3	13.2	20	12	2	1	7	6	1	1.98
J Williams	WSH	7.77	3	22.0	26	19	5	0	12	14	1	1.73
J Patterson	WSH	7.71	5	23.1	28	20	3	0	17	11	4	1.93
J Schmidt	LAD	7.36	3	11.0	17	9	3	0	5	13	0	2.00
Z Duke	PIT	6.92	5	26.0	38	20	3	1	5	6	0	1.65
League Leader:
T Hudson	ATL	1.22	5	37.0	25	5	1	1	11	31	0	0.97

Hm. No Mark Chico. Turns out he's 14th, by ERA. WHIP is another story...

Chico's line, for the record:

Name	Team	ERA	GS	IP	H	ER	HR	HB	BB	K	WP	WHIP
M Chico	WSH	6.38	4	18.1	24	13	5	1	15	12	2	2.13

So, at what point do you declare the Ponson Experiment a failure? Now? After another start? Two? Three? June?

Is he even showing signs of getting his crap together? Let's gawk at the game-by-game numbers for a minute.

Game	Versus	ERA	W/L	IP	H	ER	HR	HB	BB	K	WP	WHIP
4/9	NYY	12.71	L	5.2	10	8	2	1	3	2	0	2.29
4/14	TB	8.18	W	5.1	8	2	0	0	3	6	0	2.06
4/20	@ KC	9.39	L	4.1	10	6	2	0	1	2	0	2.54
4/25	KC	8.44	W	6.0	7	4	2	0	2	2	0	1.50

He's had one outing that was okay, except for the walking and the brevity. The other starts have just flat-out sucked. That's a .750 SA (sucking average), my friends.

Unless he can string together 3 or 4 quality starts--in a row--I say chuck him next time he stinks. We've got some kids doing pretty darn good in Rochester, maybe you've heard of them? Garza and Slowey. Some fellow named Cummings (about whom TBL knows nothing of importance) is also putting up some fine numbers out east. Oh, and there's this guy named Perkins, happens to be in Minnesota already...

Sweep + Sleep Deprivation

2007-04-25T09:02:00.000-05:00

Today, TBL has (under the nom de plume "infield") gotten rather silly over on BatGirl.

Post reproduced below, for archiving purposes:

Ode on an Assbat
(with deep and sincere apologies to John Keats)

Thou still undent'd length of maple wood,
Thou foster-child of Sucking and slow Curves,
Pine-tar'd historian, who canst thus express
A hitless tale more surely than our rhyme:
What soul-sucking legend haunts about thy shape
Of left-handers or righties, or of both,
In KC or the paths of Jacobs Field?
What men or gods are these? What bunters loth?
What mad putouts? What struggle to reach base?
What fouls and ground-outs? What wild swinging strikes?

All baseball games are sweet, but those we win
Are sweeter; therefore, ye young Twins, play on;
Not with the assbattery, but, more endear'd,
Swing at the pitch that falls within the zone:
Fair youth, beneath the lights, thou canst not leave
Home plate, unless thou can those fastballs smack;
Bold batter, never, never canst thou hit,
Swinging now this assbat--yet, do not grieve;
But proclaim, fie!, upon that curs'd wood,
After this wilt thou swing, and it fall fair!

South Pause

2007-04-24T10:57:00.001-05:00

In the twelfth inning, the seventh man to bat was the first to make an out. And that about sums up the last, pathetic chapter of a game that began with 11 innings of close, exciting baseball.

Up until the twelfth, the Twins managed to hang in there despite the departure of our starting pitcher after five innings and an injury-plagued lineup hitting erratically against a Cleveland club that was pitching well and smacking the ball all over the field. Silva was laboring from the beginning, throwing around 20 pitches an inning and, succumbing to those middle-inning jitters he gets when he's not given any run support, getting knocked out of the game by a three-run fifth inning which pushed him over 100 pitches on the night. And after that, it was an all-out Bullpen Revue for the Twins as Perkins cruised through a couple of innings, Rincón struggled through a scoreless inning-plus, Reyes walked the only batter he faced, Neshek did that voodoo that he do so well, Crain sailed through a 1-2-3 eleventh, and then...

Well. Let's just say Crain's 12th wasn't so uneventful. Nor was Nathan's.

Not that the Twins batters can be excused. Four of the nine went hitless on the night, and only one of those took a walk. Starter Jeremy Sowers did pitch well, I don't want to take anything away from him, but he's no Johan Santana. The Twins still have a rare knack for making average lefties look like minor demigods--they're hitting .245/.280/.638 against lefties this season. That .280, by the bye, is the worst OBP in the AL against lefties at the time of this writing.

It certainly hasn't helped that Luis Castillo has been out with a sore leg during this rash of lefty encounters (four of the last five games), seeing as he's pretty darn good against the southpaws. And there's nothing quite like your leadoff guy getting on base to give the rest of the lineup a little confidence.

Luckily, this spate of lefty starters is over and the Twins will only face one lefty in the next five games, KC's Odalis Perez on Wednesday against our very own Sir Sidney Ponson. I recommend drinking heavily before, and possibly during, that one. Unless you're Sidney Ponson.

Emblems of Belief

2007-04-23T15:01:00.000-05:00

Some of you may remember the story of fallen Sgt. Patrick Stewart and his widow's quest to have his VA-issued gravestone inscribed with a pentacle, the symbol of their Wiccan religion.

Mrs. Stewart and other families of Wiccan soldiers both deceased and living had submitted requests for the approval of the pentacle symbol to the VA only to be stonewalled for years, without even being given the courtesy of a decision in the negative. Nor were they given any reason (however lame) for this consignment to bureaucratic limbo. All despite the facts that Wiccan soldiers can (and do) have that listed as their religion on their dog tags and are allowed to hold religious services/ceremonies in military installations.

Well, the VA finally caved.

Wiccan symbol OK for soldiers' graves

The Wiccan pentacle has been added to the list of emblems allowed in national cemeteries and on government-issued headstones of fallen soldiers, according to a settlement announced Monday.

A settlement between the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs and Wiccans adds the five-pointed star to the list of "emblems of belief" allowed on VA grave markers.

Eleven families nationwide are waiting for grave markers with the pentacle, said Selena Fox, a Wiccan high priestess with Circle Sanctuary in Barneveld, Wisconsin, a plaintiff in the lawsuit.

The settlement calls for the pentacle, whose five points represent earth, air, fire, water and spirit, to be placed on grave markers within 14 days for those who have pending requests with the VA.

"I am glad this has ended in success in time to get markers for Memorial Day," Fox said.

The VA sought the settlement in the interest of the families involved and to save taxpayers the expense of further litigation, VA spokesman Matt Burns said. The agency also agreed to pay $225,000 in attorneys' fees and costs.

The pentacle has been added to 38 symbols the VA already permits on gravestones. They include commonly recognized symbols for Christianity, Buddhism, Islam and Judaism, as well as those for smaller religions such as Sufism Reoriented, Eckiankar and the Japanese faith Seicho-No-Ie.

Now, is it just me, or would it not have saved more taxpayer dollars and been more immediately "in the interest of the families" to just allow the pentacle on the gravestones from the get-go? 'Cause then there wouldn't have been the lawyers and the settlement and the families without even a damn gravestone to put over their fallen soldiers who died in the service of the great and mighty US of A and its freedom of religion.

Amusements

2007-04-20T14:36:00.000-05:00

Hey, two sweeps out of five series in the new season! Even the most fervent of doomsayers might just crack a smile at that one.

Now, I have to admit, I missed it. I saw a grand total of about six innings of the three-game series, on account of having to get up at oh-hell-hundred in the morning to report to my little grey box o' gloom at The Company*. And on Thursday evenings I have a knitting group, so I missed most of the one game that was on at a decent hour. Alas. Judging from the box scores and postgame writeups, it was an amusing series!

Looks like Bartlett's bat is thawing, while Morneau, Castillo, and Mauer are riding those hot streaks. Santana got his mojo back, Ortiz continues to be surprisingly good, Silva's pitching well enough to stay in the rotation, and poor Pat Neshek got knocked right out of his tall socks. (Glad I missed that.)

Up next, the Kansas City ~~Royals~~ Landed Gentry. Before you all breathe that big ol' sigh of relief, recall that last season we were 12-7 against KC. That's a winning record, but hardly a blowout.

Probables:

4/20: MIN RHP S Ponson (1-1, 8.18) vs KC LHP O Perez (0-2, 9.26)
4/21: MIN RHP B Bonser (0-1, 6.89) vs KC RHP Z Greinke (1-2, 3.95)
4/22: MIN RHP R Ortiz (3-0, 2.05) vs KC LHP J De La Rosa (1-1, 4.34)

*Speaking of The Company...

We had this corporate thing yesterday, at which one of the Grand High Muckety-Mucks attempted to revive flagging morale after record losses and a ~15% workforce reduction by bludgeoning all us Disgruntled Peons into submission with buzzwords and acronyms. Standard corporate fare. Anyhoo, he was going on about how we could save money by making sure we're not duplicating efforts. Someone needs to buy Mr. Muckety-Muck a thesaurus, because while we all knew he meant 'duplication', what he intoned so solemnly was:

"There's a lot of duplicity in this organization."

And yes, I actually managed not to burst out laughing. Although I certainly would have if we weren't having layoffs.

Making it all even more perfect, the meeting was in a conference room inside the Park at MoA (formerly Camp Snoopy), underneath part of the roller coaster. So the background noise to our ever-so-cheerful gathering was ominous rumbling and muffled screams.

All of which just goes to show, sometimes even upper management actually gets it right.