%@!#ing Yankees

Major League Baseball : News:
"The Yankees and Diamondbacks have agreed in principle on a three-for-one swap that will send 41-year-old Randy Johnson to the Bronx, sources close to the trade said Thursday. But Arizona's top official said the club was still working on details and that paperwork couldn't be forwarded to the Commissioner's office until after the New Year's weekend.
The Diamondbacks would get pitchers Javier Vazquez and Brad Halsey, along with catcher Dioner Navarro and $8.5 million to $9 million in cash, in exchange for Johnson, the five-time Cy Young winner who has been coveted by the Yankees for since this past July's non-waiver trade deadline.
[...]
Once Selig approves the deal, a 72-hour window will open for the Yankees to negotiate a contract extension with Johnson, who owns a no-trade clause in the remaining year of his current deal, worth $16 million. In addition to the no-trade clause, Johnson, who signed as a free agent with Arizona in 1998, is protected by a clause in the Basic Agreement that keeps players with 10 years of experience -- the last five with the same team -- from being traded without their permission.
If the Yanks and Johnson come to an agreement and the Big Unit waives his no-trade clause, all four players would have to pass physicals before the trade could be officially announced.
Johnson, who is first among Major League left-handers with 4,161 strikeouts, underwent surgery on his right knee during the 2002 season to remove the remaining cartilage. Johnson has a substance injected into the knee to help absorb the impact of his 6-foot, 10-inch frame landing on his right leg when he pitches."

What we need now, boys and girls, is a failed physical. There are four players--is just one previously undetected condition too much to ask?

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Whoosh...Thud!

Normally, when you leave your home in the morning, it's the part of the day with the least potential to be remarkable in any fashion. But sometimes, when you live in Minnesota, you leave the house and find out that it's winter. And then your perfectly dull little trip to the car/bus stop/coffeehouse is suddenly ripe with opportunity to pull you into the cosmic practical joke.

Normally, when ice builds up on sidewalks, it announces its presence by being nice and white. Or brown, if it's got road sand mixed in. But sometimes, when it falls as drizzle and then freezes in a very thin layer, it looks exactly like wet concrete. You can't even tell the difference when your eyes are, for example, six inches above it, after it's felled you like a gazelle on the Serengeti.

Normally, when you fall, you fall on your hands. But sometimes, when a thin sheen of ice is covered by a thin sheen of water, you fall so quickly you can't get your hands down. Then, if you're lucky, you land entirely on your posterior (if you're not lucky, you land on your teeth). Those are pretty much the only times you're actually glad you ate all those pizzas after your metabolism realized you weren't 18 anymore.

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"No Rational Relationship"

Despite the best efforts of the Enemy, America continues to creep toward becoming a just and sensible society. Behold: progress!

Yahoo! News - Ark. Judge Voids Gay Foster Parents Ban:
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - A state ban on placing foster children in any household with a gay member was struck down when a judge ruled that the state agency enforcing it overstepped its authority by trying to regulate 'public morality.'
Ruling in a case brought by the Arkansas chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union (news - web sites), Pulaski County Circuit Judge Timothy Fox declared the ban unconstitutional Wednesday.
At issue was a 1999 board regulation that said gays cannot become foster parents, and foster children cannot be placed in any home with a gay member under its roof.
The ACLU had argued that the regulation violates the equal-protection rights of gays. But the judge's ruling did not turn on that argument.
Instead, Fox noted that the Arkansas Legislature gave the state Child Welfare Agency Review board the power to 'promote the health, safety and welfare of children,' but the ban does not accomplish that. Rather, he said the regulation seeks to regulate 'public morality' -- something the board was not given the authority to do.
"The testimony and evidence overwhelmingly showed that there was no rational relationship between the ... blanket exclusion (of gays) and the health, safety and welfare of the foster children," Fox wrote.

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Pass the Advil

<vent>

I hate Javascript with the sort of seething passion generally reserved for child molesters and Rush Limbaugh. Javascript, FYI, is the demented bastard offspring of C (a fairly reasonable sort of language), created for the sole purpose of aging web developers before their time. You might be able to beat it into submission if you had, say, a good language reference manual for it, but there is no such thing. Why? Try writing a comprehensive reference on that language toddlers make up and use somewhere between crawling and English. You'll probably have more luck.

</vent>

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Back in the Saddle

With ChristmaHannuKwanzYule behind us (wait...is Kwanzaa over?) it's time to consider the dreaded Resolutions. We all do it. Even the folks who make a show of declaring that they are absolutely NOT making new year's resolutions have something they really want to accomplish in the next year. We may or may not promise ourselves that we'll actually do it, but there's always something we hope to succeed in.

I have three things. Well, five if you count a Twins World Series and the return of NHL hockey, but since I don't have any control over those they don't really count. Curiously enough, all my resolutions are to continue or resume doing something I did last year, not to stop doing or substantially change how I do anything. I think it's a sign that I'm finally approaching where I want to be with my life, and hey, it's only taken thirty-one years. Prompt, I'm not.

You all are hereby granted permission to smack me upside the head if you catch me backsliding on any of the following things after January 1st:

1. Lose ten pounds.
Three years ago, I quit smoking. Yay!
I gained 25 pounds in the next two years. Crap!
Last year, I lost fifteen. Yay!
Time to finish the job. Crap!

Do you miss pizza? I do.


2. Face politics again.
I've been hiding from the news. When Emperor Bush starts spewing the daily lie ("the economy is strong!") it's hard not to shriek and turn the channel to something safe like Animal Planet. But the time for mourning is over, and I need to face the grisly truth and prepare for the '06 gubernatorial race. First step--start watching the evening news again. Then, the books.

I have a stack of very worthy but lamentably unread political books. Howard Dean's new treatise on grassroots politics. Joe Trippi's discourse on politics and the internet showed up under the tree the other day (from my brother-in-law, who is so fantastically liberal he makes me feel stodgy. Thanks!). "Dude, Where's My Country?" has been stalled on chapter 6 since November. Robert F. Kennedy Jr's new book arrived tied to a box of Pepcid, on loan from Mom. (I'm a little concerned.)

I think I'll ease myself in with the "Bush Survival Bible". A little sarcasm goes a long way.


3. Finish the [bleep]ing novel.
Hey, it's half done. I took a couple of months off to write a short (in the most generous sense of the word) story, but I really need to get in there and finish the Big One.

I love my shiny new laptop and its wireless network, so I no longer have the "my desk isn't comfortable!" excuse. The couch is plenty comfortable. And my mind should work at its peak if I exercise and eat like I should, right? Right.

I don't suppose pizza is brain food?

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If I Were the GM

If I were the Twins' general manager (and there are a multitude of reasons why I'm not), I would have done a few things differently this last week or two. Judging by the wailing and gnashing of teeth on the Twins Fan Forum lately, I'm not alone. But just for the record...

If I were Terry Ryan, I would:

• not re-sign Luis Rivas unless I was pretty darn sure I could work a good trade involving him. Contrary to popular apocalyptic opinion, we're not all that short on infielders. We've got Morneau (1B), Cuddyer (2B), Punto (1B/2B/SS/3B), Ojeda (2B/SS/3B), Castro (2B/SS/3B), Bartlett (SS), Prieto (2B/SS/3B), Rodriguez (2B/SS) and Tiffee (3B). Throw in a veteran 3B, and we're golden!
• repeatedly beat Gardy upside the head for even suggesting that Cudderror be the starting third baseman next year.
• have signed Joe Randa to platoon at third with Terry Tiffee and/or Nick Punto.
• tell Gardy to move Stewart to DH, whether he likes it or not (he doesn't). The man has hamstring issues, let's be practical here--for his salary, we need him playing every day. We do that by keeping him out of the field. Hunter, Jones and Ford can man the outfield, with whichever of Restovich, Ryan or West has a better spring training as backup.
• make JC Romero pee in a cup. Daily. If he's on the juice, get him off of it. If he's not, send him to a shrink.
• be looking for another starter. Chances are either Lohse or Mays (and possibly both) will stink so badly in spring training that their presence in the rotation will not be tolerable. We need someone waiting to fill that hole, and JD Durbin definitely needs more seasoning before he's that guy.
• release LeCroy. The guy's got the ability to be a heavy hitter, but he needs to play every day to acheive his potential and he just won't get that chance here.
• eyeball the free-agent market on catchers. We've got no guarantees about Mauer's knee, after all.
• offer to take the Dodgers' place in the defunct three-way trade that would bring Randy Johnson to the Yankees, then pull out at the last minute. Have a video camera on Steinbrenner when he receives the news and sell copies of it on DVD to raise money for a new stadium.

Ah, if only...

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Big Unit Stays Put

Yahoo! Sports: Randy Johnson: Deal to Yanks on Hold
RotoWire.com Staff - RotoWire.com
Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Update: The Dodgers have reportedly pulled out of the three team trade that would send Johnson to the Yankees, ESPNews reports.

Recommendation: The Yankees are still likely to continue pursuing Johnson, but it looks like they'll need to bring another team into the deal or somehow get the Dodgers to rejoin negotiations. We'll update you on this story as we get more information, but for now, the deal is off.

Hah! Take that, Steinbrenner!

Remember, folks--anything that is damaging, disheartening, or even merely inconvenient to the Yankees is good for baseball. Anything. This, considering last year's pitching woes, falls under "damaging", with a dash of "disheartening". Especially if they can't find a way to revive the deal.

Of course, the Twins have got the Gloveless Wonder topping the list of potential replacements for Corey "Brooks Robinson" Koskie at third, so perhaps I shouldn't be talking about the misfortunes of other teams...

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