Last Out

Do you remember the last time it was 78 in Minneapolis? I don't. I assume it was in September. Maybe October. Too damn long ago, either way. What was it this afternoon--30? Also, there's no baseball in Minneapolis. There won't be for a month. So remind me--why am I waking up at the crack of hell tomorrow morning to board a plane that will take me away from sunny, basebally Fort Myers and drop me in the arctic tundra with no baseball save the three to five plays a game John Gordon deigns to call between longwinded stories about things I have zero interest in? Being homeless and unemployed in Florida sounds pretty darn good at the moment, I tell you.

Ah, but you didn't check in to hear me bitch. Well, the Skiing Pirate might have; you never can tell with those hypothermic buccaneers. But most of you are looking for baseball, I'm sure. So on to the game report, posthaste.

It got off to a less than promising start, as Luis "Base or Bench?" Rivas over-threw a standard putout throw to first, allowing the first batter to become a runner. Fortunately, Carlos "King Groundball" Silva was on the mound and up to the challenge, keeping the infielders on their toes and the Devil Rays off the bases. Only one flaw marred his outing: sometime during the offseason, he forgot how to wear his socks. If any of you happen to be in Fort Myers in the next couple of weeks and run into him, remind him that the pants should meet the socks just below the knees. Not at the ankles, Carlos--you know this!

In the second inning, Bert Blyleven and his butterfly net managed to snare not one but two foul popups, thereby successfully handling more balls that inning than the entire Devil Rays defense.

Potential backup catcher Corky "Too New for a Nickname" Miller showed off his arm , firing a bullet to second and catching a runner who had one heck of a lead in his favor. Jason "Look at Me!" Bartlett continued to field well and shot a sweeeeeet double to left in his second at-bat. The Twins as a whole were pretty double-happy today, hitting four in the first six innings, after which the Devil Rays realized that they had brought some pitchers after all and let the utility infielders get off the mound.

Matt "I Can Start, Really" Guerrier bucked up and gave us three very good innings, with four strikeouts. Highly-touted prospect Francisco "Whoops" Liriano, on the other hand, let the first and only D-Rays run of the game score from second on two wild pitches in the ninth. Eric "At Least I'm Not in Detroit" Munson shortly thereafter saved Liriano's bacon with a beautiful play on a weird bouncer that could easily have turned into a hit. The Twins wrapped up the 5-1 win moments later.

And then, alas and alack, we bid farewell to the benevolent splendor of Hammond Stadium. We were somewhat cheered when we managed to get a metric ton of autographs on our way out, including Torii Hunter and Shannon Stewart. If you take me with you, I'll show you where!

Please. Take me with you.

No?

Oh, well. At least I'll always have the pictures...