Nothing New Under the Sun

What can I tell you that you don't already know?

I could tell you that the Twins have given up on winning and are instead concentrating on finding innovative ways to suck. But you knew that. I could tell you the hitters aren't hitting and the pitchers are too often merely throwing, but I suspect you reached that conclusion long ago on your own.

I could tell you that my company recently went through a major re-organization to maximize its soul-sucking capabilities, and that for the first time in the history of corporate re-orgs the goal behind the chaos has actually been achieved. Would that be news?

I could tell you that the project I am currently working on (for the aforementioned soul-suckers) will eventually end up in the Journal of American Science as scientific proof of Murphy's Law. You probably didn't know that, but it's equally probable that you don't care.

I could tell you that President Emperor Bush recently gave the media the finger. And now his mouthpieces say it was his thumb. I wonder what he calls the short, squat finger that's a bit separate from all the rest, then?

But, back to baseball. Here are a few obscure things, in no particular order, that you may not know about the Twins:

• Kyle Lohse leads the Twins' staff in walks, with 31. Behind (or, if you prefer, in front of) him are three pitchers with 29...but only two of those are starters. I'm looking at you, Romero...
• Eight of Minnesota's 25 active players are under 6 feet tall.
• Everyone knows that Johan Santana leads the staff (and the league) in strikeouts. Which Twin is second in the team standings? You might be surprised: it's Brad Radke.
• Improbable team leaders:
• Justin Morneau - triples (4), fielding percent for an "everyday" player (.994)
• Jacque Jones - walks (41)
• Torii Hunter - stolen bases (23)
• Brad Radke - hit batsmen (7)
• Mike Redmond - errors (0), runners caught stealing (9)
• Juan Rincón has the most innings, lowest ERA and fewest home runs allowed of Twins relievers who have been here all season.
• Slump-O-Rama:
• Lew Ford went 13 for 75 (.173) in July.
• Other July slumps:
  • Nick Punto - 20 for 100 (.200)
  • Justin Morneau 19 for 89 (.213)
• Throwing, as opposed to pitching (July):
• Jesse Crain - 9.28 ERA, ten walks, three strikeouts
• Terry Mulholland - 7.36 ERA
• Joe Mays - 7.36 ERA, four home runs
• Only the Kansas City Landed Gentry have scored fewer runs than the Twins this season, and they're only 3 runs behind us.
• The Twins are third in the league in pitching, behind only the @$#! Whine Sox and the Los Angeles Angels of Names That Are Too Damn Long, respectively.