To: Johan Santana, c/o Minnesota Twins
Listen, I know you've been busy and all, so I'll keep this short. This whole thing you're having with the lack of control and the not striking people out, and the walks and stuff? I was just thinking, maybe since you're not doing so great you might want to stop shaking your catcher off all the darn time? 'Cause it's just barely possible that he could have better ideas than you do right now. Just a thought.
All the best,
To: Jason Bartlett, c/o Rochester Red Wings
Hi! Long time, no correspond. I assume you're too tired after all those hits every day to send your loyal blogger an email. That's okay, I'd much rather have the hits! Of course, I had thought you and your hits would be here in Minnesota by now, but every organization has its stupid moments, right? Keep it up, they'll pull their heads out of their asses someday soon.
To: George Steinbrenner, c/o Eighth Circle of Hell
Nice starting rotation.