Our Hero

My friends, we live in a world of change. People sign big contracts with the Cubs and they leave us. Other people fly in from Japan and stay a while. Infields are transformed, bullpens are filled out, and guys who look like they might turn twelve soon become fifth starters.

But in the midst of chaos, there is one thing that we, as Twins fans can always count on. One pillar of certainty, fixed and constant as the north star. And it is this:

Whenever Hope rears its ugly head, Kyle Lohse will be there.

You see, every pitcher opens Fandora's Box sometimes. We, as fans, never actually get to see the Box, mind you, but if you listen to your radio or tv very carefully, it sounds an awful lot like facing seven batters in the first inning. And when Fandora's Box opens, it unleashes upon the team every evil known to fankind--homers, errors, wild pitches, balks, bad umpires, premature swinging, you name it. And then the team not only has to worry about coming back from a deficit, they also have to worry about heroically defeating every evil known to fankind. It's like they're doing two things at once, and, baseball players? Not known for multitasking.

But Kyle Lohse is wily, and has a passing familiarity with canonical myth. He knows that the Box isn't empty. Not quite. So he lets his teammates worry about slaying every evil known to fankind, and he waits. He pitches a few more innings, biding his time. And when the Twins pull to within a run, the Box creaks open once more and out springs a sparkly-winged pixie and it says:

"Hello! I am Hope, and I am here to tell you that things are not so bad! You have pulled to within a run, do you see? And it is only the fifth inning! You can still win!"

Then Kyle Lohse darts forward and seizes Hope, and crumples it into a ball, and serves it straight over the middle of the plate to Casey Blake with the bases loaded. And now the Box is finally empty, and Kyle Lohse smiles to himself and trots off the mound, knowing that he has once again outwitted the sneakiest creature in Fandora's Box.