An Open Letter to Boof Bonser

Dear Boof,

Long time no chat. How's the family? Get any new tattoos lately?

So, you're probably wondering why I'm writing you during the season, when you're so busy. I know you've got a lot on your plate right now, but...oh, to hell with it. I'm not going to pussyfoot around. You're a big boy, you can take it.

You know the strike zone? It's right where it's always been. Seriously. It did not move in the offseason. It sure as hell didn't get bigger.

Speaking of getting bigger...mix in a salad every once in a while, there, ol' buddy. You do not want people to start calling you "Ponson the Younger".

Actually, I hate to say this but you need to hear it. You've gotten sloppy. With the pitching, with the training, with everything. Sixteen walks in a bit under 26 innings, Boof? Come on. You only gave up 24 walks in over 100 innings last season. Seven homers in your first four starts? And what's this crap with only going five innings a start? You're supposed to be a workhorse! Get with the program!

The thing is, you're elevating your pitch count early in the game with all those walks. And then you get yanked in the fifth, or early in the sixth, because you've got runners on and over 100 pitches under your belt, right next to all those offseason cheeseburgers.

This is not cool, man. You're making the bullpen pitch innings that you're supposed to cover. Don't you think maybe Juan Rincón and Jesse Crain would like a game off now and again? And poor Pat Neshek. Pitching like a meerkat on meth is hard on the joints, Boof. Let the little guy relax once in a while.

We expect better from you, Boof. We need better from you. Frankly, with Sir Sidney in the rotation, we can't afford to have anyone else screwing up. You've got to step up and become the leaner, meaner starter you were meant to be! I believe in you.

Faithfully,

TBL

P.S. Just because I believe in you doesn't mean I'm going to take any more of this crap. This is what they call "tough love". Shape up!