Open Letters To...
The Guy Sitting Immediately to TBL's Right Tuesday Evening
Yesterday evening, as we watched the Twins/Braves game in close proximity, TBL noticed that you appeared to be laboring under a few misapprehensions. In the spirit of comradeship among fans, allow TBL to clear those up for you.
1. Your seat stops at the armrest. Placing your large, sweaty arm up and over the armrest put it in TBL's seat. Which was occupied by TBL. Who did not, in fact, enjoy having your large, sweaty arm pressed against her ribs.
2. Alfonso Soriano does not wear #42. Additionally, he has not been a Yankee for a number of years.
3. Being unable to gracefully handle the consumption of vast quantities of weak beer is not, as you seem to think, an admirable character trait.
4. In your attempts to impress all within earshot of your distressingly loud voice with your erudition, you ably demonstrated that your knowledge of baseball is slightly inferior to that of the average 8-year-old TBL encounters in the stands. (Additionally, the majority of said eight-year-olds are considerably better-behaved.)
5. There are cities in which it is considered acceptable for hometown fans to fling profanity and insults at hometown players. This is not one of them. TBL respectfully suggests you might be happier if you relocated. (TBL did find it highly amusing that the primary targets of your invective, Messrs. Bartlett and Punto, were both 2-for-4 on the night.)
6. "Johnson" is not an inherently funny surname.
TBL hopes you will use her well-meaning advice to improve your baseball experience, and that of dozens of hapless fans around you, in future.
Her Beloved Readers (Yes, YOU)
Someday TBL is going to snap. If you should ever happen to glance over near first base and see a small redhaired person beating some guy (it's always a guy, usually between 30 and 50, often poorly-groomed) about the head with a scorebook, please come to the Hennepin County Jail with bail money.
That was lovely. Thank you.
All is forgiven*. You're doing a wonderful job out there.
* Offer valid only while playing the outfield. All forgiveness immediately void upon a return to third base in a defensive capacity.
Lew Ford and Jason Bartlett
Dear Darling Boys,
It did TBL's heart good to see you both out there wearing your socks the right way. Unfortunately, TBL did not have her camera last night. Tall socks again Thursday, please? For me?