Alas, Poor Constantine

If you're planning on going to see the new movie "Constantine", starring Keanu Reeves as John Constantine, do yourself a favor. Don't give in to the temptation, either before or after the movie, to read the Hellblazer comic book series, which the movie purports to be based on. If you read them before, the movie can only disappoint you. If you read them after, you'll realize you were horribly ripped off. Either way, you'll end up marching back to the theater, demanding a refund, screaming at the manager, and getting thrown in jail. And that doesn't help anyone, does it?

See, here's the thing. Picture Keanu Reeves. His face, his voice, his personality. He never alters any of the three to "act", so you don't have to imagine him trying to actually play a character. Got it? Good.

Now, picture a blonde, forty-something, surly, fiendishly intelligent, British, chain-smoking wielder of supernatural powers. This is a man who spends his life skating on the razor's edge, dodging forces heavenly, demonic and mortal, most of whom would like nothing better than to see him dead. He keeps his head attached to his shoulders with a combination of magic, con artistry and sheer brazen gall.

That is John Constantine. Not some limp, drawling, suit-and-tie conjurer. I can't imagine what possessed them to cast him in the role. Asking the Eternal Surfer to play John Constantine? You might as well ask Leonardo "Inanimate" di Caprio to play a fiery Irish gang leader.

Oh, wait...they did that, too, didn't they?