Sign on the Dotted Line

I am beginning to believe that somewhere, deep in the bowels of the Commissioner’s Office*, there is a file. It probably looks much like any other file, but it is not. It contains thirty contracts. Not player contracts—team contracts. These contracts, between the MLB and the teams, lay out the rights and responsibilities of each team.

For instance, I feel secure in positing Atlanta is contractually entitled to win its division 19 years out of 20. However, they are obligated to collapse in the playoffs every time. The Yankees promise to be the defensive laughingstock of the league in return for being allowed 60% more arrogance than any other team. And we all know what the Cubs contract says.

Folks, if I’m right (and I think I am), the Twins need a better agent. What sort of moron agreed to a 75% sucking ratio on each decade? And to never, EVER sign a 40-home run hitter on penalty of falling below the Royals in the standings? Could someone please explain why we had to agree to stomp mercilessly on the dreams and hopes of 87% of our promising young players just to get a little Field Turf? And that clause stipulating that every third roster move must be decided by throwing darts at the Minnesota and Rochester rosters can’t be legal. It just can’t.

The good news is that the stale air clause and bad food rider are null and void when the new ballpark opens in 2010.

*Should I have referred to bowels and Bud Selig in the same sentence? Perhaps not.